The Boron Letters - Chapter 25

 

 

Friday, 7:14 PM

July 7, 1984

 

 

Dear Bond,

Tonight I am going to be writing about something I didn't think I was going to be writing about.

I just had a minor confrontation in the chow hall with a guy I've had a little trouble with before. He was giving out cups of ice and when I insisted on two cups he said 'no' and we verbally got into it. At one point, he suggested that if I didn't like his refusal to give me more ice, we could go fight behind one of the dorms.

I glared at him and walked away. We were starting to attract attention and there were (always are) guards in the mess hall.

Really, this is no big deal except in a way, it is. This guy is not very much like the room mate I had some trouble with. This guy is young, tattooed and stupid. He is a loser and I know from previous conversations with him that he is pretty much lost when he is on the street.

He is always messing up, he smokes dope and he is in the Lieutenant's office often for disciplinary action.

I would probably kick the living $#!+ out of this guy. You never know for sure, I could be wrong but he is not a big, bad type. Mostly, he is just plain stupid.

But what may be instructive in all this is why it happened and what I hope to do about it so I, hopefully, don't have to deal with it again.

First of all, let me explain that both the incident with my roommate and this incident happened when I was "off". As a matter of fact, I am off right now and I have been off for more than a week. When I am off, when anybody is off, this is communicated!

Right now, also, (or in conjunction with) being off, I am also quite vulnerable. I have fasted two days this week, I am missing L and I have been, in general, feeling sad.

No big deal. Except when you are in prison. When you are in prison, even a very easy one like this one, your "Karma", I believe, is extra important! It's important on the street too, but it is especially important here. This is a bad place to be weak, even a little and even momentarily.

Remember how I told you, you could sort of tell if you were off by how close you could guess what time it is? Well, another indicator is if you bump into things just a tiny bit or you are just a tiny bit clumsy. Don't forget HALT. Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. When I went into that mess hall, I was all of this except angry and I was probably a little angry too.

Now, here's an interesting thing about both of these two incidents. In both cases, I was "wrong". Not big deal wrong. But wrong from a not being aware and on top of things aspect. You see, in the incident with my roommate, if I had been aware, I would have realized that my radio was causing an infuriating disturbance. And, in this recent incident in the mess hall, I should have realized that this guy was deliberately positioned there for the express purpose of rationing out the ice and here I was responding to his "What about the rest of the guys?" with the answer, "To hell with the rest of the guys!"

And, believe it or not, I said that a little unconsciously because I sort of thought he was joking. You see, I just wasn't on top of things.

On the street, neither of these things would have been a big deal. But here, there is a lot less slack.

So, now that I know I'm off, what do I do? Well, I certainly don't intend to fight this guy who I refer to as "The Rodent". That could cost me six months extra in the joint. But, I don't want many more of these incidents either. So, what I intend to do is lay low for a while until I am feeling strong and not feeling vulnerable.

You know why I'm going to lay low? It's because I'm concerned. Not physically scared ("The Rodent" isn't very threatening) but concerned that I better get back on top mentally to be more prepared to deal with this environment.

Does it seem like I'm making a big deal out of all this? Don't kid yourself. It's serious. I'm missing L like crazy right now, I am missing my freedom, I am angry about having to be here, I am diminished by my previous confrontation, I am weak from fasting, I am tired (albeit pleasantly) from my long run and all the time I spend in the sun and, in general, I am a bit weakened.

I am starting to make mistakes.

No good. Not here. So, what I intend to do is fall back and regroup.

I am, for a little while, gong to try to avoid (as far as possible) my fellow inmates. I'm going to fast tomorrow and sort of hid out. I don't intend to fast again after that for another week. You know, when I'm on the street (God, I even talk like a con now!) I also avoid people whenever I fast and it is even more important here.

So, first I'm going to lay low and secondly, I am going to try not to "emerge" until I have pumped a little iron.

You know, I may be wrong but, I think had I been "pumped" neither of these incidents would have happened. I think this for two reasons:

1) I would have been more alert and never did the things that perpetuated these incidents.

2) And secondly, when I am "pumped" and on top of things, people react differently to me because I send out different "vibes".

By the way, another way I can tell I am stressed right now is my vision is a little blurred.

So now, after all this preamble can I relate any of this to your success at DM and MO? You bet. At the time in my life when I was making the most money, I followed the same procedure I am talking about here. Namely: I pay attention to myself and when I am off, I drop out of sight and do what is necessary to strengthen myself.

It is important here, it is important out there, and it is especially important in business dealings. People can smell it when you are weak. When you are vulnerable. They can smell success too. They can sniff out a winner.

And you can't fake it. Not for long. You've got to be it!

Lord I'm tired. My vision is more blurred. And, I have just made some minor but maybe important changes in my planned routine over the next little piece of time. I'll tell you what they are when I resume writing.

What I have decided is, I had better not take a day off running right now. I intend to run in the morning and fast tomorrow. And, then, run again Sunday, even though I fasted the day before. What I'll do I think, is I'll get up early like (sun up) 5AM and eat a couple oranges and drink a little coffee and maybe take warm up shower or a longer than normal warm up walk and then run Sunday too.

Boy, did I just have a good talk! I found a guy here who is very much like me. His life is stones, he's intelligent, he's Cherokee Indian and he has had some "incidents" also and he gave me some good advice. He said you can't sink to their level. Just don't talk to them. He also said avoid cursing. And, it's funny; he does the same stuff I do: He runs, he pumps iron, etc. Maybe a valuable friend.

I'm so tired. I really want to get out of here now.

Since this is the last of my first batch of letters (this is #25) to you, I am going to try and think of something extra, maybe a little special to say.

I don't know what. Let's see. How about this? One of the things I have learned here is how precious the good times and the good people are. I hope I have learned never again to not take fare of my special relationships.

Like the one I have with you. Let's remember we've got something very special and really take care of it.

I Love You and Good Luck!

Dad

 

P.S.  I've got four more minutes to do to get my hour in. Let's see. I guess what I want to focus on here at the end is my resolve to "go underground" and quietly strengthen myself. I've really got to do it. I've got to transcend myself.

      And, what I think my theme will be is to make a game of becoming an expert at quietly diffusing explosive situations and sending out stronger vibes so I have fewer (or maybe none) encounters to begin with.

That's It!

   
   

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