North of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
Now I want to
talk a little more about my readers.
They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are rich. Some are
very rich. Some are poor. Some are down and out. Some are
And people read my newsletters for different reasons. Some
read it just because it gives them a lift. Often they write
me how I wrote something that caused them to laugh out loud
(LOL in geek-speak). Many tell me they enjoy reading the
little "slice of life" comments I often write in my
But here's something interesting: I've learned a lot about
myself in the last six months. You know, for quite a long
time, I have been a rather big fish in the small pond of
direct marketing. However, in the last year, it seemed my
visibility and popularity has skyrocketed. It took me a
while to figure out why. Then I discovered the existence of
It seems there are hundreds, perhaps even more than a
thousand, web blogs talking about me. I've even come across
an entire website that gives information about me.
And it's been during these last few months as I became a
"lurker" and began reading some of these blogs and
the like, I started learning a great deal about myself.
Recently, John Carlton sent me a link to a website with a
comment something like, "My
God, Gary, what are they going to think of next?"
clicked on the link to that website and there was a huge
headline that said: "If you're wondering why you haven't
heard from Gary Halbert lately, it's because he has been
sent to prison." It then went on with page after page
describing why and how I happened to be in prison.
Another time I was looking at an article someone was
preparing to write about me. It told about the time I had an
idea at 9:00 in the morning and turned it into a
quarter-billion dollars in cash that same day.
You know, perhaps my mind is slowing down and not as sharp
as it used to be. It used to be every time I was in prison
or every time I made $250,000,000 in three hours, I would
remember it. Now apparently I have these experiences and
almost immediately forget about them. To tell the truth, I
wish to hell I could remember where that 250-mil I made in
those few hours is. Maybe I'll come across it in a shoe box
in my prison cell.
Speaking of my being in prison, I must admit this is really
a pretty nice one. I've got a 62" T.V. all to myself... a
couple of boats to take out whenever the weather's nice...
and whoever my captors are, they seem content to let me come
and go wherever I want and whenever I want... and do
whatever it is I want to do.
Another thing I learned about myself from these blogs is, I
have teamed up with a man named "Frank Kern" and have
written a long, scammy letter which has made us both
millions of dollars. I don't even know Frank Kern. Maybe I
met him at a seminar once and perhaps we shook hands. But
then again, I'm not clear about that.
One of the most amusing things I've also learned is I am the
co-owner of a website called "RadarPark.com". Not only am I
not a co-owner of that website, I don't even know what it's
all about. From the name, it sounds like the guy is selling
some sort of gadget that makes an alarm sound when your car
is about to hit something behind you.
And you should have read the back-and-forth conversations in
that blog where this poor guy was trying to convince some
idiot he was not in partnership with me and didn't even know
me. That poor guy was completely unsuccessful. The idiot
"just knew" I was involved... no matter how much proof was
provided him to the contrary.
I could tell you hundreds of stories about me like this.
Most everything people write about me is positive. Some of
it is negative. But no matter if it is positive or
Almost All Of It Is Distorted!
One thing people seem to believe is I have made millions
(perhaps even billions) of dollars... and... I have it all
stashed away living the life of Reilly with no financial
struggles to trouble me.
Nothing Could Be Further From The Truth!
Here's the real truth: I have made, in my lifetime, zillions
of dollars. However, I am not prudent with money. I have
very little of it left. Don't let that worry you though. I
have enough to lead the modest lifestyle I prefer. But, I
don't have a big, fat cushion of millions (or even hundreds
of thousands) of dollars to allow me to run off to the
Riviera with my girlfriend and never have to work again.
In the meantime, I want to tell you what I think is an
amusing story. Many years ago, I was experiencing financial
difficulties and was nearly dead broke. I was talking with
Dan Kennedy in Phoenix, Arizona and he asked,
"Gary, do you
need some bucks?"
"Yeah, Dan, I do. I'm broke."
So Dan lent me a considerable amount of money on the spot. I
pulled off my gold Rolex watch and said,
Dan, you can hold this as collateral."
He looked at me with a frown on his face and said,
cow Gary! I don't need any collateral from you. Take the
"No, no Dan. You don't understand."
"You Don't Understand What
A Great Story This Will Make
In A Newsletter Some Day!"
Then I talked to Dan a little more and asked him if he had
ever been in dire financial straits... while... trying to
give a speech on having a positive attitude and teaching
people strategies to make money. Dan told me a funny story.
Early in his career, he was giving one of his energetic,
positive talks on money-making strategies. Apparently, he
was doing this in some sort of store front building. Behind
him there was a large plate glass window. At one point
during his speech, he turned around and looked out that
window. He couldn't believe his eyes. He saw his car being
towed away by a tow truck because he hadn't made the
payments on it and it was being repossessed.
I hope Dan will forgive me for telling this story. But, it's
going to help me illustrate a point.
Many People Make Millions Of Dollars... And Then...
Affairs In Such A Way As To
Find Themselves Broke Once
Other people (ignorant people) ask,
"How could you have
lost all that money?" Well I'll tell you something about
people who ask that question. None of them have ever made
millions of dollars.
You see, within the seeds of every man who has the ability
to make millions of dollars... also... are the seeds with
the ability to lose everything he has made.
But people like Dan Kennedy and myself can never be poor.
Perhaps occasionally we'll find ourselves broke. But never
Somebody who is poor has no money and no skills to make
Somebody who is broke has no money... but... has skills to
make money. They may be temporarily broke but will always
bounce back to make as much money as he could possibly want
Almost every successful, rich person I know (including many
famous names you would recognize) has had extreme financial
ups and downs. But, they always weather these storms because
their true wealth is what they have between their ears. If
you have the right stuff between your ears, you may find
yourself temporarily broke... but... you will never be poor.
That's because you will always have the most valuable
money-making asset in the world and it can never be taken
away from you. (Well, short of death or having a lobotomy.)
I live in Miami. People from other countries (mostly Cuba)
come ashore on the east coast of Florida every day. Now I
want you to imagine two men, totally exhausted from their
week long journey aboard their inner-tube raft, finally step
ashore on the beaches of Miami. They are now in the United
States of America.
One of these men was formerly a dishwasher who worked at a
hotel in Cuba. He managed to steal a million dollars from
the hotel and the guests of the hotel. He was able to get to
America with that money safely strapped to himself in a
But the other guy came ashore with absolutely nothing except
the torn T-shirt and shorts he was wearing. He didn't have a
penny, a peso or any other kind of money. But this poor chap
was a brain surgeon in Cuba.
Now let's fast forward five years and take another look at
those two men...
My guess is the dishwasher/thief will be broke. I'll bet
he'll have spent almost all his money on drugs, prostitutes,
insanely impractical expensive cars (like Lamborginies), and
in general, carelessly scattered his money to the wind. And
since he doesn't know any skills to make money (except
washing dishes), he'll probably turn back to crime. This
being Florida, the nature of that crime will probably be
some type of involvement in the drug trade. And, since he
was never the sharpest knife in the drawer to begin with,
entering the drug trade will most likely have gotten him
imprisoned or even murdered.
But let's take a look at that other guy who washed ashore
the same day, the brain surgeon. After the same five years
have passed, he's living in Coral Gables (a luxurious suburb
of Miami), has a nice wife with one or two kids, a terrific
showplace house, a Lexus (the best car ever made), a
thriving practice, and is a respected member of the
What's the difference between those two guys? The difference
is the dishwasher/thief did not come ashore with "real"
wealth. He only came ashore with money. The brain surgeon
came ashore with the only "real" wealth there is. He came
ashore with the wealth he had between his ears.
Should that brain surgeon ever run into financial troubles,
he might temporarily become broke... but... because of this
wealth between his ears... he will rapidly cure that
situation. He WILL become prosperous again.
A lot of the money I made, I spent
example, I spent a lot of it on sex, drugs, wild women,
booze, rock and roll, insanely fast and dangerous boats, and
business ventures that were so stupidly conceived, they
didn't have a chance to succeed.
On the other hand, I spent much of my money
things like food, clothing, shelter, medicine and the like.
Anyway, now let's switch gears and talk about the concepts
And The Internet!
I was born in Parkersburg, West (by God) Virginia which is
located on the east side of the Ohio River. Parkersburg is
about 30-miles south from Marietta, Ohio. Marietta is on the
west side of the Ohio River. Got all that?
Good. Let's pretend there are two guys who want to get to
Marietta, Ohio. They are in a canoe paddling very
efficiently... except... they are in the Mississippi River
(not the Ohio River). Let's say they have their canoeing
down pat. They've learned to use a perfect J-stroke. They
get the maximum forward movement from each ounce of expended
Now let's take two other guys who are paddling their canoe
north on the Ohio River leaving Parkersburg. They likewise
want to get to Marietta. These guys are really lousy canoers.
In fact, they don't even have paddles. One guy is paddling
with his shoes while the other guy is paddling with his bare
Can you guess who is going to reach their goal, the city of
It is NOT those super-efficient guys. They are in the wrong
river. And no matter how efficient they travel on the
Mississippi River, they cannot get to Marietta, Ohio. Simply
because Marietta is not located on the Mississippi River.
That is an illustration of...
Efficiency Without Effectiveness!
On the other hand, those two poor souls paddling up the Ohio
River with their shoes and hands will eventually (in spite
of their total absence of efficiency) reach their goal of
Marietta. Why? Because...
They May Not Be Efficient...
But... They Are Effective!
They are, at least, traveling on the right river in the
Let's relate all this to the Internet.
A very good friend of mine was making an enormous amount of
money on the Internet soliciting leads he sold to real
estate brokers. He would send approximately 25 million
e-mails a day. From these 25 million e-mails, he would get
about 2,500 leads. This was enough for him to make about
$30,000 a day.
That meant he was getting approximately 1 lead for every
10,000 sales message he was e-mailing. He was able to make a
huge profit because, at that time, spam was legal. It also
cost so little to send out those 25 million messages. Yes,
he was able to make money... in spite of the fact... he was
using the least effective advertising medium on the entire
Let me put this in perspective:
At approximately the same time my friend was doing that, I
was using direct mail to solicit leads. For approximately
every 1,000 pieces of mail I sent, I received 70 leads. That
meant I was getting a 7% response rate.
Let's combine his means of sending a sales message
(e-mail)... with... my direct mail letter. In that case, we
would have gotten a 7% response rate from 25 million
e-mails. That, my friend, would result in...
175,000 Leads From Each
Of His Mailings!
Which also means... my sales message was...
470 times MORE EFFECTIVE
Than His E-mail Message!
Know this: The Internet is the
most efficient advertising medium in the world...
but... it is also the least effective.
But what if... all those people trying to sell things on the
Internet (which is so efficient) also used the techniques I
could teach them to make their efforts effective? Then we
would have a killer combination! We would have a
money-making machine more powerful (by far) than the U.S.
Switching gears here. I'm going to tell you about my
computer expertise. Years ago, when I got my first personal
computer, I did so because I wanted to learn about the stock
market. The guy who taught me how to use my computer said I
learned faster than anyone he had ever seen. (Obviously, he
never taught a 9-year old kid.)
I learned how to send and receive e-mail. I learned how to
get stock quotes, stories on stocks, intraday graphs, and
how to buy and sell stocks online. I also learned how to go
to websites whenever I wanted to research something. I
learned all that in about 1-1/2 days. I have not learned
anything else since.
I do not know how to upload anything on to a website. I do
not know how to use an Instant Messenger service. I do not
know how to cut and paste. I do know how to play a computer
game. And even though I DO know how to go to a porn site...
I do not know how to get out of the damn thing without
turning off my computer.
Yet, in spite of all these things, I bet I can teach you
more about how to make a website profitable than any
Internet guru on earth. (Pity I'm not going to share this
with you, isn't it?)
Back to my readers once again. I love it so many people read
my work. I love it so many people learn how to make lots of
money from my teachings. I love it some of the people read
my website simply because it gives them a psychological
lift. I love it some people read my newsletters and benefit
from some of life's painful lessons I had to go through...
without having to go through the actual pain themselves.
You know, a few years ago when I was still publishing a
"snail mail" newsletter, I had received so many letters of
praise, we stopped counting and keeping them after we had
more than 3,000. Now that I'm on the Internet and read all
over the world, I bet I receive almost as many (or maybe
even more) letters of praise as many of these bullshit
televangelists who are promising happiness and eternal life
for a cash donation.
I read every one of those e-mails and letters. Some of them
are so touching, they almost break my heart. Some of them
are amusing. And almost everyone thanks me for the
contribution I have made to their lives, whether in some
small or large way.
The chances are very good, if you send me an e-mail, that
you will NOT get a reply. There are number of reasons for
First, there's a pretty good chance that because of AOL and
all the various spam filters, I won't even receive your
Secondly, because I receive so many e-mails, it would be
impossible for me to reply to them.
You know, I have a vision I hope does NOT come true. Want to
know what that vision is? I thought so.
I'm lying on a hospital bed under an oxygen tent. There's a
knot of people standing around the bed as I lay there dying.
One of them asks the doctor, "How long has he got, Doc?"
The doctor replies,
don't know. He's going pretty fast. Maybe just another 7 or
10 minutes more."
"Well, is it okay if we lift the corner of the oxygen tent
so we can say goodbye?" they
The doctor says he'll leave the room to give these guys some
privacy with me.
Then, with everyone else looking on, two of these guys lift
the oxygen tent. One of them says, "Gary, hey I know it's a
bad time and I know you're dying. But I've got just one
quick question. You know stamps are 37¢ and my friend says
he thinks we'll get better response using three stamps
instead of one stamp. What do you think Gary? Will three
stamps pull better than one stamp?"
The other guy who had helped him lift my oxygen tent pipes
got one real quick question and then I'll let you die. I'm
broke and unhealthy. I can't get a woman and haven't gotten
laid in 7 years. My life is completely dysfunctional and in
chaos. I've also got a problem with alcohol and drugs. Last
week they repossessed my car and kicked me out of my house.
Now I'm living under the Venetian Causeway Bridge. Here's my
question: Can you give me a quick secret that will turn my
life around and make me instantly rich, healthy, and
desirable to women? And somehow be able to enjoy my drugs
and alcohol without any ill effects? That's all I want Gary.
I'm looking at the clock and you still have 4 minutes left.
Would you use those 4 minutes to help me?"
Then, in the background, I hear the other guys in the room
begging, "Gary, I've got a question too." And someone else
pleading, "Gary, it's just a really quick one."
My eyes are darting around frantically to find the call
button. I push it with all the strength I have left. The
doctor and several nurses come rushing into the room. They
make the knot of people back away from me. And they ask,
"What is it Gary? Do you need more morphine? Do you need a
sip of water? What is it Gary? What can we do for you?"
With what little bit of dying breath I have left, I whisper,
"No. I don't need any of that. What I DO need is for you to
get all these shitweasels away from me so I can die in
Well, that's it for today. But you better read the next
installment... because... in that one...
I Am Going To Tell You EXACTLY
What You Have To Do... If... You Want To Make
As Much As One Hundred Million Dollars... And...
You Want To Make It Really, Really Fast!
But, unfortunately, I am NOT going to tell you how to get
rid of all your demons... because... I do not yet know how
to get rid of all of my own.
To be continued...
Gary C. Halbert
Copyright © 2005 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights