a Missy Haslinger's Letter b

 

From:
3699 Ira Road
Bath, Ohio
Friday, 5:00 p.m.
June 30, 1989

I'll Sell You My 1981 Pontiac Phoenix For $50
To Test Drive To Your Heart's Content.
And Just Because They Don't Believe Me
Anymore When My Car Breaks Down --
I'll Even Throw In My "Triple A" Card!

Dear Friend,

If you would like to own a 1981 Pontiac Phoenix and get it real cheap, here is some good news.

My name is Missy Haslinger and I am a copywriter here in Bath. I've got an 8-year-old Pontiac Phoenix, which 85% of the time will get you from Point A to Point B. and, I have to get rid of it for reasons I'll tell you later. But anyway, I just want to sell this car fast and I'm willing to let you test drive it for a week for free if you are really interested.

Why am I offering such a good deal? The reasons are simple. First, I hate car dealers. I tried to sell my Phoenix back to the dealer I bought it form and couldn't understand a word he said, because he was laughing so hard. That's why I'd rather sell it cheaper to a regular person so that one day we can both have a good laugh together when we sign the papers.

And the reason I'm willing to give you my (hopefully transferable) "Triple A" Membership Card for free is because I will be taking the bus from now on.

Incidentally, being a Phoenix -- my car has continually been known to rise up from the ashes. Each time it's ever broken down somewhere -- the next morning (or a couple hours -- depending) it starts up again. "Triple A" can attest to this. In fact, even though they've come out to tow me several times, it's started up. I still have 3 free tows left! (TIP TO FUTURE OWNER: When calling "Triple A" make sure you get a different dispatcher every time.)

And here are 10 important facts about my car:

1. Even though the floor is falling out of the driver's side, this gives you the option to work Fred Flinstone-style. This is always a colorful excuse to use to break the tension when you're late for work.
2. Since the automatic steering is out, I find my arm pectorals have never been firmer. Think of the money you'll save on expensive exercise club memberships!
3. The clock doesn't work. No more stressful racing against the clock to get to work. Your guess is as good as anyone's. You'd be amazed at the positive effects this can have on your blood pressure.
4. It gets in one AM radio station -- WGAR. It really makes you appreciate your own music collection (and, anyone else's, for that matter) -- especially when you've been on the road for a while.
5. There's a free almost-full gallon of windshield wiper fluid rolling under the back seat.
6. There's an ideal place to put your can of pop where it won't spill while you're driving.
7. OK, so I couldn't come up with 10 good reasons.

But how about this. If you're a high school student with a summer job -- or maybe you just need some fairly reliable transportation -- then look no further. Here's your chance to get a car for the low low price of $50. Plus, you get the "Triple A" Card, and you get the matching windshield wiper fluid.

What I get out of it is a $50 bus pass, as opposed to the $50 fee to have it towed away forever.

Part of my reasons, of course, are extremely personal. You see, my parents bought my little sister a hot, sporty red Prelude which she drives exclusively. My car has been community driver and wreaks of mid-size polyesterism -- a teenager's disgrace.

But, I appeal to all of you teens out there... It's not that bad. In fact, it's a heck of a deal, and if I could I'd buy it all over again -- especially at this price. (Especially when you consider someone actually paid $5,000 for it.)

If you're still not convinced as to my reasons for selling my car -- then suffice it to say that I've outgrown this relatively sturdy hunk of blue metal. Besides everyone knows that one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I know there are plenty of young grease-monkeys out there who would love a deal like this. I'm moving as of 2 weeks ago supposedly. My new apartment won't have a phone, so I'll be waiting in this public phone booth at (216) 867-5880. So, don't delay. Get on the phone to me -- and it's yours!

Sincerely,

Missy Haslinger

Missy Haslinger
Soon-To-Be-Pedestrian

P.S. Just to sweeten the deal -- even though you probably aren't over 18 yet, you can quaff several of your favorite brand-name beers (on me!) while we go over the rather brief and painless contract.


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