North of Jewfish Creek
Tuesday, 6:23 a.m.
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
This issue is going to teach you something valuable.
It's something I, myself have had to remember and relearn
over and over. So I guess it's fair to say I'm writing this issue for me as well
as for my readers. It's a lesson none of us can afford to forget. In simple
terms, you have to (in fact, you MUST!)...
Learn To Use Your
Emotions As Fuel!
I've been going through what I consider a bad time lately.
Financially, physically, emotionally... you name it... I've been distressing
over it. Financially? I've taken about a $1,600,000 bath over the last year.
That sorta sucks, doesn't it?
Emotionally: My #1 Assistant, Theresa, had been taking care
of her dying father 24/7 for seven full months. I'm pretty much 100%
dysfunctional (except for writing and speaking). So, having the only
functional part of my life unavailable to me, I tried to keep my life going
with coat hangers, clothes pins, paper clips and duct tape. It didn't work too
And physically, I let myself get out of shape because I was
too busy feeling sorry for myself and sulking.
But you know what I forgot? I forgot...
"Action Is The Antidote To Despair"
And, do you know the most useful thing you can do for
yourself when you're feeling down? It's to do something... for somebody else!
The truth is, the "challenges" in my life are more like being stuck in
traffic... rather than the "real" challenges other people face. "Real"
challenges like how to keep from dying of cancer, going blind, or trying to
recover from a physical attack which has left you without an arm or a leg. Or
Seems like the start of a gloomy issue? No way, Josť! This
one's gonna leave you smiling, jumping for joy, and happy as Bill Clinton in a
room full of interns.
See, I know something about my readers. Most of them are
pretty much brain-dead. Perhaps a more charitable term would be
"sluggish-minded". They want to have money... but... they don't want to work for
it. They want happiness... but... they have no interest whatsoever in doing the
things necessary to get it for them.
You want proof my readers are mostly beyond all hope? Then
think about this: These people are so senseless...
They Look To ME For Answers!
Lunatics. That's all I can say. You're all lunatics.
Looking for answers from a man who can't work his own remote for his TV, or
retrieve his own phone messages (I don't even try any more), or buy and keep
groceries in his 'fridge. But...
I've Got An Idea!
What if I could figure a way YOU could make some serious
fungolas... without... having to think? Without having to work?
Without having to put up any money? Without having to take risks?
Actually, there is some "work" involved. You will have to
deposit a bunch of checks you get in the mail. I know it's a lot to ask...
but... maybe you could get your spouse or one of your trusted friends to do it
for you. That way, depositing those damn checks won't hardly even be a
"bump-in-the-road". You just hand them off to whomever is going to make your
deposit for you... and then... you get your ass in that Lazyboy, stuff some more
Twinkies in that hole in your face, and keep sipping on those "cold ones" you
keep in the cooler beside your chair while watching the latest "Survivor" show
or using your TiVo to rerun the Superbowl halftime show. (You know, so you can
try to "freeze" that micro-second flash of Janet Jackson's expressed breast so
you can keep being properly enraged by this serious threat to our nation's
security.) You know why I know you like my proposed scenario? Because my
readers are just like ME!
Hell, I don't want to think or work or invest money
or take risks either. I'm just like you. Just gimme the money and get out of my
face. And you know what else? I really have figured out...
Exactly How To Make
This Scenario Come True!
You're gonna love this newsletter, Buckwheat. You
ain't never done read nuthin' as slick as this!
But first, a side trip: I make a big deal out of being the
world's best copywriter. I think it must be true... because... it says so
right in my newsletter. But, all joking aside, here's what I really do have
over other copywriters: I don't concentrate on the writing much at all. Almost
anybody can write real good (I know, Miss Books, that's not the proper way to
say it) if they will dedicate just a few months to learn how to do it. But,
that's not what you really need to know. What you really need to know...
Are The Secrets That
Make People Buy!
A simple example: Send a printed personalized sales
letter to 1,000 people and you will get more orders than if you send a printed
sales letter that starts "Dear Friend" or "Dear Subscriber" or "Dear Occupant"
or "Dear Resident" or "Dear Fellow Boat Lover" or what have you. It used to be,
a personalized sales letter would outpull a "generic" letter by (on average)
Now, you do understand what a personalized computer
generated letter is, don't you? What it is, is (Bill Clinton lives)...
A Fake Typed Letter!
Remember all those times I told you I was in the family
crest business? And how I would type one letter to the "Allard" family and then
have a few thousand of those "personalized" letters printed and mail them to all
the Allard families in the U.S.? Well, you know what that offset printed letter
was? It was...
A Fake Computer Letter!
So, what I was doing was, sending out a fake computer
letter... which is... a fake typed letter... which fetched 300% more orders than
a "generic" printed sales letter... and... I was doing it at perhaps 1,400
times cheaper than could be done otherwise.
Personalized letters today do NOT automatically
increase sales by 300%. That's simply due to the fact there have been too many
of them mailed. But, my friend John Carlton has tested personalized vs.
non-personalized... and... personalized still increases response. It
increases the response rate by an average of 30%.
Do you realize an increase of sales by 30% probably
produces a 200% increase in profitability? That's because the first big chunk of
money generated by your sales goes to pay for your overhead, fulfillment, etc.
Let's talk about another sales secret. As a general rule,
if you tell your prospects you will not cash his check or process his credit
card for 30-days, you will triple your orders... but... double your refund rate.
Let's do a little math and see how that works out.
Let's say you are selling a book for $100. And it costs you
$1 to mail each letter. Also, it costs you $10 to fulfill every order. And in
this example, let's say you are getting a 2% response with a 10% refund rate.
To mail 1,000 letters would cost you $1,000. A 2% response
rate would equal 20 orders. So you'll gross $2,000 (20 x $100). Take those 20
orders and multiply it by the $10 for fulfillment, and you have to fork over
another $200. But don't forget those refunds. A 10% refund rate would be 2
refunds at $100 each which causes you to give back $200.
That means you net $600. (Do the math yourself so you'll
completely understand this.)
But, what if you use the "I won't cash your check or
process your credit card for 30-days" idea? Let's see how the math works on that
Okay, we mail our 1,000 letters and it still costs us the
same $1,000. But, as I said earlier, using this technique usually triples
the response rate. That means we now get 60 orders (instead of 20). And that
means, you'll gross $6,000 (60 x $100). Now take those 60 orders and multiply it
by the $10 for fulfillment, and you have to shell out another $600. But don't
forget those refunds. Remember, using this technique usually doubles the
number of refunds. We now have a 20% refund rate from 60 orders (12 refunds).
Multiply 12 refunds times $100 each and that means you have to give back $1,200.
That means you net $3,200. (Again, do the math yourself so
you'll completely understand this.)
So, here's the question: Would you rather conduct your
business in an "ordinary" way and have a profit of $600... or... use the
"30-day-hold" technique and have a profit of $3,200?
How many of these "sales secrets" do you think I know? The
truth is, I know more of them than you would ever believe. Other copywriters
pretty much rely on their communication skills alone. What I rely on is my
Now, I'm going to tell you a story and show you a piece of
writing which should lay to rest forever the slightest suspicion there's anyone
else on this entire planet who can write copy as well as I can. And, after I do
that, I'm going to show you...
To Communicate Things
I Know Will Increase Sales!
How You Can Make A LOT Of Money
By Simply Receiving Checks In The Mail
And Depositing Them Into YOUR Bank
Remember I told you the best thing you can do for yourself
when you're feeling down is to do something nice for someone else? Well, a short
time ago I had a small seminar on how to increase website profits. There was a
woman here in Miami who wanted to come but told me she didn't have enough money
to pay the attendance fee. I responded, "No problem, you can pay for it in
three installments." But soon after that she called me and this time had to
inform me she had since been diagnosed with cancer (there sure is a lot of that
going around these days, isn't there?) and she couldn't afford to pay the
attendance fee... even if... she was allowed to pay for it in three
installments. My heart reached out to her and I replied, "Well then, I guess
you're going to have to come as my guest." And, she did.
She has turned out to be one of the best friends I now
have. She just had a hysterectomy with her uterus and ovaries removed... but...
they tell her she still has Stage III cancer. That means, statistically, she has
a 20% chance of surviving the next five years. But statistics are often
Brian Keith Voiles had a grapefruit-sized tumor on his
brain about 14 years ago. All the doctors told him it was incurable and he
should begin making preparations for his demise which was going to occur in the
very near future. I remember thinking there was no doctor in the world who had
the right to make such a statement to one of his patients. Only God determines
when people are going to die. Often, when a doctor makes a statement like that,
it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I told my readers I was betting Brian was going to live a
LOT longer than the few months the doctors predicted. And you know what? His
grapefruit-sized tumor has since completely vanished... and... a short time ago
he flew to Phoenix, Arizona. He flew to a seminar I was speaking at... just
because... he wanted to shake my hand and thank me for the encouraging words I
had written so many, many years ago.
These Are The Kinds
Of Moments That Make
My Life Worthwhile!
Anyway, back to Julie. She's one of the most delightful,
upbeat, intelligent people I've ever met, and has a ribald sense of humor. Julie
knows more about the chemistry of cosmetics and how to use that chemistry to
enhance the lives of millions of people than anyone else that walks the face of
And this is where it gets really interesting. You see,
Julie has one product she has never put on the market (for reasons you
will soon learn). This is as exciting a product as I have ever come across.
Because I believe in this product so much (and I wanted to help Julie), I
offered to write a website for her, which I have completed. I haven't charged
her a cent for this work... and... I don't intend to. I think it's going to make
her a TON of money and, believe it or not, I think it could make some money for
Plus, I also think after you read this website, you will
realize... without any question whatsoever... that when it comes to writing
website copy (or any other kind of copy) I am truly the "800 pound guerrilla"
who can walk through the valley with no fear of competition whatsoever.
Even though the website copy is finished, we are still
batting back and forth ideas for the name of the website. So, just in case it
isn't an active website by the time you read this newsletter, I'm going to have
Theresa type the website copy right here in this newsletter for your
Shouldn't this be against the law?
Miami Beach Lesbian Creates New Product
that Makes All Women
Almost Instantly Crazy
to Have Sex
would like to make love with one (or more) women who are almost crazy to
have sex with you, this will be the most exciting message you will ever read.
Paris (no relation to that other young woman named Paris) is a lesbian who lives
in Miami Beach, Florida. Actually, she is bi-sexual... but... she hardly ever
"wastes her time" with men these days. That's because (according to her) most
men just don't have a clue about how to satisfy a woman in bed.
Julie has studied chemistry and its biological effect on women. She is
responsible for creating many of the top cosmetic products in the entire world.
But now, she has created a product called "Fire Play" that makes almost all
Julie created this product more than 1-1/2 years ago. But she's never put
it on the market before now. She felt if she had sold it before now, the result
would be millions of women almost crazy to have hot sex... but... these women
would be with men who did not know how to satisfy them. Recently though,
something happened which changed her mind.
the manuscript of a new book written by a man who knows so many sex secrets
that... according to her... it's almost like he is a lesbian trapped in a man's
body. She thinks every man in the world should read this book and, here is how
you can get a copy of it...
here's a warning: Before you request your free copy of the book, you better know
some of the secrets revealed in it. You see, Julie (and the author of the book)
don't want to embarrass anyone... or... make them feel uncomfortable in any way.
So, if your religious beliefs or your conservative upbringing or, if you have
"personal reasons" against having great sex... you probably should NOT read this
you decide if this book is for you or not, here are some of the secrets revealed
a short "breather." We'll get back to more of what this remarkable book will
teach you in just a moment. But first, let's talk about why these secret
sex techniques are so important.
there are approximately 16,222,181 people in the world with full blown AIDS.
Another 56,122,303 are HIV Positive. On a worldwide basis, most of these people
did not become HIV Positive because they were drug addicts sharing
needles... or... because they received it in a blood transfusion... or...
because they were having gay sex. Believe it or not, 81% of worldwide cases of
HIV and AIDS are caused by the simple act of a straight man having sex with a
straight woman. That's why, if you are in a monogamous relationship or if you
are married, it is more important than ever not to go outside your
relationship for sex.
guess the biggest reason people cheat on their partners or commit adultery? It's
It's Because They Are
Bored With The Sex Life
They Have At Home!
you finish reading this free book, there is no reason for you to ever be
bored with your sex life again! Just to make sure you understand how true this
statement is, following are a few more of the scorching secrets you will learn
when you read this book:
starting to get the idea there are some things about great sex you have
been missing? If so, don't feel alone. More than 99.9% of the world's population
is completely ignorant of these "killer sex" secrets. But, you know what? We are
not finished yet... not by a long shot. Here are yet more of the secrets
revealed in this amazing book:
The only list anyone can trust
about what really makes a man attractive to women! (Why can this list be
trusted? Simply because... it was compiled by thousands of women.)
How often (on average) do men
think about sex every day? How often do women think about sex every day? (Hint:
The answers will astonish you.)
Julie Paris willing to send you a copy of this book... and why... is she willing
to send it to you 100% FREE?
is easy: It's a bribe! It's an "ethical" bribe to get you to give her a
trial order of her new product called "Fire Play"!
"Fire Play"? It's a bioactively-engineered product that her friends sometimes
call "the woman's Viagra"... or... sometimes they describe it as the
"instant-turn-on" product. Women who know about and use this product (there
are very few of them) NEVER use this product unless they know...
They Are About To Have Sex!
After all, what's the point of being almost
unbelievably sexually aroused... if... you don't have a sex partner to enjoy
that situation with you... and... leave you completely satisfied?
Julie Paris is an expert on the "chemical biology" of women. Before this
message, she trusted only three men to use with their women lovers. These
are the only three men she trusted 100%... and... here is what they said about
|"I love to see
my girlfriend in ecstasy! I love to see her out of control and going
beyond her normal sexual limits. She and I both have decided we are
going to keep using 'Fire Play' for as long as we are alive. And
believe me, this product makes both of us really come alive!"
~ 1st man allowed to have FirePlay
love the way it's now her who's the one always hounding me
for sex! Not only is our sex life 100 times better, the way she
acts when we use this product makes me feel like I am 7' tall."
~ 2nd man allowed to have FirePlay
My God! This stuff works like crazy! You wouldn't know my woman and I
have been together for all these years. We are now like sex-starved
teenagers all over again!"
~ 3rd man allowed to have FirePlay
Anyway, here's the deal: Julie has decided to make "Fire Play" available to
every man (or woman) who has read the book (written by Bert Halgary) described
earlier in this letter. She'll send you a 60-day supply of "Fire Play"... and...
in the same package, she'll include a FREE copy of the book. After trying "Fire
Play" for a 60-day trial period, if you are dissatisfied with it, for any reason
(or no reason whatsoever) you can return any unused portion for a complete and
And not only that... you can keep the FREE copy of the book included in the
By the way, as one of the three men Julie trusted to use this product, I have a
piece of advice for any other man who buys "Fire Play": Make sure YOU are the
one who controls access to this product. Don't even think about going off to
work or on a trip and letting your woman keep this stuff in her bathroom
I'm sure your girlfriend or wife is 100% faithful to you... but... I'm also sure
you want to KEEP it that way.
Hey, give it a try. It comes with an iron-clad 100% money-back guarantee...
and... you get to keep the FREE book even if you decide to return the product
after using it for the 60-day trial period.
Click Here To Get Some
Okay Buckwheat, how'd ya like that one? Think there's
anybody else you know who could write a website like that? I don't either! Do
you think there's anybody who has an ounce of life left in them who's not
going to be interested in that website and that product? I don't either!
So the question now is...
How The Hell Can This
Website Make YOU Some Money?
It's very simple: You must have at least a couple of
friends, don't you? And a few associates? All you have to do is encourage those
people to go to Julie's website and, if they order her product, she will send
YOU $20 for every customer you refer. By the way, this amazing product sells
for only $69.95 plus $3 shipping and handling.
Now consider this: If you have a LOT of friends or maybe
even a mailing list of prospects or customers (for whatever it is you are
selling), you could communicate with ALL these people and receive lots of
$20's from Julie.
How will Julie know if these orders are from your friends
or associates? It's easy. Contact Julie and she'll give you a 9-digit "code".
Those 9-digits will belong to you and you alone. Then, all you have to do is
give your friends, associates or mailing list, Julie's website address followed
by YOUR code. It'll be something like this:
Picture this: There you are munching on your Twinkies,
sipping beer, kicking back in your Lazyboy and watching the 112th version of
some "Survivor" show. Your buddy calls you up and you guys get to talking about
things like bowling, bass fishing, strippers, where to get bib overalls at a
discount, and other stuff like that. Then you say to your buddy, "Hey Joe, I
got a website you should check out. Get a pencil and jot this down somewhere you
won't lose it. The website address is www.ShesOnFire.com forward slash [and now
give him YOUR secret code]. Joe, I promise you, I'll be your best friend
for the rest of your life after you visit this website."
Your friend goes to the website, becomes crazed to get the
free book and the product, gives Julie an order, and she sends you 20 buckaroos.
And just think, you haven't even had to break a sweat or get up off your lazy
ass... and... that $20 referral fee will buy you a couple more six packs. (I
think what you've just read is Gary Halbert's idea of "affiliate marketing".)
Not that it matters (actually, it DOES matter) but, Julie's
product honest-to-God, for real really does work. And the free book
mentioned in the website honest-to-God, for real does deliver 100% on
every secret. There is no hype here. It's all true.
Anyway, if you are interested in this,
contact Julie at www.ShesOnFire.com/friends/default.asp and tell her to whom and where you want your checks
sent. As soon as you do that, she will instantly e-mail you back and give you
your own secret code number.
By the way, I want you to know about the first really and
truly "officially-trained" Gary Halbert copywriter. His name is David Allard and
you can find out all about him at www.DaveAllard.com. I want you to know
though, I just can't understand why he said such hurtful things about me on his
Oh hell. That's enough for this month, isn't it?
Gary C. Halbert
P.S. I once said I knew more about how to increase website
profits than any man alive. Then I met John Reese and had to concede he knows a
hell of a lot more about increasing website profits than I could ever hope to
John is having a seminar that... if you can afford it...
is a seminar you literally MUST attend. He's the guy who... when he
starts talking about increasing your website profits... everybody shuts up and
listens. He has had more than 28,750 dot.com URL's. He's generated more than
1-1/2 billion hits to his various websites. He's conducted more than 65,000
scientific split tests. And, he's just "come out of the closet" (so to speak)
and decided to reveal his website profit making secrets to the world.
John's seminar has my STRONGEST recommendation. Just in
case you're wondering, I don't receive a penny for urging my readers attend his
seminar. I am suggesting it simply because... if you are interested in making
website profits, I honestly believe you will learn more at his seminar than all
the other website profit seminars combined.
But, his seminar is nearly sold out. He told me he has
only a handful of seats left. He and I have become great friends and I am
providing you with the website address which will take you directly to a
description of what you will learn if you are lucky enough to attend this
seminar. The only reason this website address has my last name in it is so he
will know you are one of "my people"... and thus... you will be bumped to the
front of the line of people competing to occupy one of these few available spots
This is the website address for you to copy and paste into
your web browser. It is not a link:
P.S. #2 By the way, now that Theresa is back and I'm starting
to get cranked up on all 8 cylinders again, you can expect to start hearing from
me more often. For one thing, I've written nearly 200 newsletters... but... only
about a third of these are currently on my website. My plan is to start putting
my back issues on the site at the rate of approximately one per week. Make sure
you've got a good ophthalmologist... because... I'm going to make a sincere
effort to burn your eyeballs out.
Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights