North of Jewfish Creek
Friend & Subscriber,
A lot of people (an ungodly amount of them!)
seem to be fascinated with me, my work and, the way I lead my
I am not.
That's not false modesty either. It seems to
me I am a rather ordinary individual. I live an interesting
(but not intensely interesting) life. I just happen to have
the ability to write extraordinarily effective advertising...
and... a more or less "tell-it-like-it-is"
Even so, it seems many people have a tendency
to "deify" me. A few others seem to consider it
proper to "villanize" me. In truth, neither am I
especially god-like, nor am I worthy of serious "villanization"
like Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden or almost
every American politician or televangelist.
But, people are curious about me and so I
thought I would use this issue of my newsletter to...
De-Mystify A Few Details About Myself!
Let's start with my screen name. As you can
see in the letterhead, it is NoSexGary@aol.com. The reason
this is my screen name is really quite simple. When I got my
first computer, I was having a steamy affair with an extremely
sexy woman who was a Practice Management Consultant to
dentists. Her name was Sally and she, through her evil
machinations, was able to keep me in an almost continuous
state of hyper sexual excitation. Then, of course, at the peak
of this pleasurable relationship, she dumped me like I was
nothing more than one of the millions of disposable Dixie Cups
that litter American highways.
When setting up my e-mail account, AOL asked
me to type in what I wanted for my screen name. I typed in a
name I thought nobody but myself would have. To my amazement,
AOL said that name was taken. So, I typed in a different
screen name. AOL said that name was taken too. I kept trying
different screen names and AOL kept telling me each of those
names were taken.
Then, the thought crossed my mind (as it did
approximately every 45 seconds) that I wouldn't be having sex
with Sally ever again. So, just for the hell of it, I typed in
"NoSexGary". And guess what? AOL accepted it! I've
kept it ever since and nobody ever forgets it.
Incidentally, my fiancée thinks I
should change my screen name to "YesSexGary". She
thinks the screen name "NoSexGary" might lead
someone to think she isn't properly taking care of me. Which,
of course, would be an unforgivable sin for a Costa Rican
Have you noticed I always identify my location
as South, North, East or West of "Jewfish Creek"?
That's because I measure wherever I am in life
(geographically) in relation to how far away I am from Jewfish
And what or where is "Jewfish
There's an 18-mile stretch of U.S. Highway 1
which runs east and
west from Florida's mainland peninsula to Key Largo.
Key Largo is the northernmost piece of land which starts off
the chain of islands called "The Florida Keys". Underneath this
18-mile stretch of highway is a one-mile long saltwater "creek". There's
a drawbridge over this water so large boats can get through
and continue the 120-mile journey down to Key West.
Now for a bit of science: There's a voracious
grouper which grows to more than six feet long and its
scientific name is "Epinephelus Itajara". It's a
lurking bottom-feeder and is so sluggish, countless divers
have posed for undersea snapshots with it. The common name for
this creature is "Jewfish".
Since they are sometimes found in the
geographic area we are discussing, someone decided (years ago)
to name that one-mile long saltwater creek "Jewfish
People in the Keys think of the 18-mile
stretch of road that runs over Jewfish Creek as the
"Southern Mason Dixon Line". You see, generally
speaking, people who live south
of Jewfish Creek are drunks, dope fiends, millionaires,
iconoclasts, and laid-back tolerant folks who don't give a
shit about anything.
Generally speaking, the people who live north of Jewfish Creek are hyper-active, over-caffeinated,
dysfunctional, Latino imbeciles who conduct their lives like a
bunch of chickens who've had their heads cut off.
By the way, it turns out a Washington, D.C.
area resident, Arcomcanold G. Conheim has objected to using the
word "Jew" in any form other than a noun. He states
when "Jew" is used otherwise, it is derogatory. This
lunatic is actually part of a growing group who wants to
change the name "Jewfish" to "Goliath
I can tell you this: Whatever the
politically-correct groups decide, those of us whose hearts
and souls reside in the Florida Keys will always think of a
Epinephelus Itajara as a Jewfish. This fish has been known as
a Jewfish for centuries and, to the 80,000 residents of the
Keys, it will ever be so.
Conheim also considers the name "Jewfish
Creek" offensive illustrating he is one more example of
political correctness gone haywire. What if it was named
"Baptist Creek" or "Methodist Creek" or
"Catholic Creek" or "Presbyterian Creek"?
Do you think somebody would be all lathered up about those
names? I don't think so either.
And just for the record, none of my Jewish
friends have ever told me they were ashamed of being referred
to as a Jew. Or, that they were offended by having something
referred to as Jewish; such as a Jewish colony, a Jewish
tradition, a Jewish meal or anything else.
Oh wait! Maybe I should re-think this! Maybe
we should name it "Yasser Arafat Creek" or "Osama
Bin Laden Creek" or "Adolph Hitler Creek" or
(this would truly make me ill), "George Bush Creek".
I intend to live out my life identifying my
geographic location in relation to where it is from my beloved
Jewfish Creek. And that's that.
People also seem to have a strange curiosity
about where and how I live as well as the details of my
everyday life. I'm not going to tell you everything about my
life... because... that would cause me to be stoned and
incarcerated. But, I've decided to reveal just enough to make
me a tad less mysterious.
I live in a high-rise apartment building in
Miami. The building is located just north of the Marriott and
Grand Hotels on Biscayne Boulevard. My apartment has a
wrap-around balcony which gives me breathtaking views of the
Miami skyline, the Atlantic Ocean and the waters of Biscayne
Standing on my balcony, I can look directly
down upon the newest (and perhaps the most well-designed) park
My building also overlooks the Sealine Marina
and I am able to see the two boats I keep there. One is a
27-foot Mako cabin cruiser with two 250HP outboard engines.
It's called the "No Mercy" and I think of it as my
"Bimini Boat." The other is a little 15-foot flats
boat with a 40HP motor that I can automatically raise and
lower so I can explore extremely shallow waters. I've named it
the "Emma Rose" (after my granddaughter) and it
almost stops me from needing a car.
With the "Emma Rose", I can shop for
groceries, go to the movies, go to various restaurants, shop
at Bayside Mall, explore the islands of Biscayne Bay, zip down
to the Florida Keys in jiffy-quick time, and engage in dozens
of other activities I find extremely pleasurable.
Back to the building I live in: It's got a
fully-equipped gym, a huge pool, a dry cleaners, a night club
that features some of the best rock and roll I've ever heard,
pool tables and, extremely friendly people. There's also a
convenience store which serves breakfast and sandwiches from 8
a.m. in the morning until 11 p.m. at night. And, (if you don't
have a computer) also provides you with an Internet
connection. Not that you should care but, this building also
The Highest Concentration Of
Drop-Dead Gorgeous Women
I've Ever Seen In My Life!
It's not a "fishing pool" for me. I
am 100% committed and faithful to Sirian, my Costa Rican corazón (see her
new website www.SirianCostaRica.com) but, I do enjoy the
My personal apartment is nice without being
opulent. Two bedrooms, two baths, small kitchen area, washer
and dryer, a good-sized living room with a tack-sharp 60-inch
tube (not projection) TV.
In short, I live well. Not like a king or
Donald Trump... but... my living conditions don't leave much
for me to bitch about.
I also have another apartment in this
building. It's a large, cheerful studio, with a queen bed, a
view of the bay, a "killer" TV (but smaller than
mine), a full-sized desk, two telephone lines, plenty of
closet space and everything else anyone could want in order to
spend a pleasant few days here. I keep it vacant for people
who want to visit me.
I also get all kinds of questions and comments
like: "Aren't you
selling anything on your website?" "What's your
hidden motive?" "I would like to buy anything you
have for sale." "Can I pay you to work for me?"
"God bless you for the work you are sharing with the
world." And one of the most common questions I get
over and over and over is...
Can I Become A
Client Of Yours?"
I haven't been taking clients for a few years.
But, a short time ago, I decided it's time for me to start
taking a few clients again. My standard fee for working with a
client is $15,000 up-front plus 5% of all the gross sales my
advertising creates. I work with clients by telephone, fax,
Federal Express, e-mail and sometimes, even the U.S. Postal
If I listed my string of advertising successes
and the names and particulars of all the people who have
become multi-millionaires because of my advertising, this
newsletter would be at least 30-pages long.
Seventy-five million dollars for Robert Allen.
Two or three hundred million dollars for Dennis Haslinger.
Tens of millions for Tova and Ernest Borgnine. Diet promotions
for people like Mark Kaplan which got so large and produced so
much profit, he was mailing 125,000 First-Class letters every
day of the week except Sunday.
I've written ads and letters to sell
everything from ordinary diet pills to sophisticated financial
newsletters to complex bio-technology breakthroughs, and
everything in between.
Do I always charge $15,000 plus 5%? The answer
is almost always "Yes". Here is why: Any time I
choose, I can write to my own customer list (my newsletter is
read in approximately 90 countries) and make much more than
However, working for a client lets me have
alternative streams of income I wouldn't have otherwise.
So the answer is, I don't
$15,000. Sometimes, if somebody just needs a little simple
consulting, I'll do it for a few thousand dollars.
On the other hand, sometimes I charge much
more than the standard $15,000. The very last client I worked
for (I just finished the job) had to pay $50,000 up-front...
plus... my 5% commission on sales. Would you like to know why
that client picked me... and... why he paid a hefty $50,000
I thought so.
As you know, I am often referred to as the
best copywriter in the world. And, as you also know, I would
be the last person to deny the truth of that claim.
But you know what's really true? After you
reach a certain point in your ability to write copy, it
becomes questionable as to whether one guy is a better
"copywriter" than another. When you reach this
point, what really makes you outstanding is how well you
understand what I call...
Here's an example of what I'm talking about: A
woman who does T.V. infomercials accidentally included the
following dialogue in the "call to action" part of
her T.V. show,
|"There's a huge demand for this
product. So, if our lines are busy, please keep
calling back. Believe me, this product is so
fantastic, it will be worth whatever time and trouble
you have to go through to place your order."
As it turned out, that verbiage dramatically
increased her sales volume and now she uses it in all
her T.V. infomercials. And now, I also use it often in my
space ads or direct mail letters. That's one example of what I
call "Social Engineering".
It's something most copywriters (even the best
ones in the world) don't think about. On the other hand, when
I create advertising, I find "Social Engineering"
occupying about 90% of my thinking time on a project.
Stay with me here: You know the job I just
finished where I got that $50,000 up-front fee? You want to
know how long it took me to write
the advertising? Approximately two hours. But guess what? I
spent five entire weeks thinking about and figuring out exactly WHAT to write.
The client is selling a very sensitive
feminine product. If the advertising wasn't done with just the
right amount of finesse and taste (without losing its sales
appeal) the advertising would have ended up offending
everybody and selling nobody. After five weeks of pondering
the project, I believe I was able to strike exactly the right
cord needed to sell this product. I'll let you decide for
yourself. Below is the ad:
Even A Plain-Looking Woman
Can Make Herself 350% More Sexually
Attractive To Almost Any Man On Earth!
If you would like to be a woman that nearly all
men... just can't resist, this is going to be
the most important message you will ever read.
Here is why:
Let's face it... almost any
woman can get a man to have sex with her.
You don't have to be pretty. You don't have
to be sexy. You don't have to have a great
body. Basically, you just have to be a woman
who will say "yes" and thousands
of men will have sex with you.
But, what if you want that same man to call
you for another date? Well, that might NOT
be so easy. But, what if there was a way to
make sure... almost every man... wanted to
go out with you again?
Better yet, what if there was a
way to make having sex with you... so
fantastic...... the man you are interested
in... couldn't even think about
another woman? What if there was a way to
make having sex with you... so good... a man would
do anything... even marry you...
to keep you in his bed?
Well, guess what? Now
there is a little-known way you can turn almost
any man into your 100% sex slave...
Matter How You Look...
How Old You Are... Or Even...
How Much You Weigh!
Don't laugh. It's really true and, to prove it,
I'm going to tell you a story. This story
starts in Asia about 2,000 years ago. Back then,
there was no such thing as women's rights.
The only power a woman really had (to get what she
wanted) was the power to attract and keep a
man. And unfortunately, back then, just like
it is today...
Men Are Sexually Attracted To Very Young Women!
Why is this? To answer that question, I have
no choice except to tell you something no one
wants to talk about publicly. Even most
doctors won't tell you this but, the truth is... young
women are most likely to be extremely tight!
Maybe you don't like
that. Maybe it's unfair. But the truth
is the truth.
These young women
haven't yet been "loosened up" by age, childbirth,
hundreds of sexual experiences or anything else that causes
them to lose what some people call that "honeymoon
Why is this so important? The
answers are easy. A woman with a very tight vagina
increases a man's ego by making him feel he has a much
larger than average penis. (And, almost all men
secretly worry about the size of their penis.)
A tight vagina makes a man feel every
inch of his penetration. It stimulates every single
nerve ending in his genital area. It literally causes
a flood of sexual energy and ecstasy all over his body.
man has had sex with a woman with a truly tight vagina... all
he will be able to think about... is having sex with that
same woman again.
But, most women eventually lose
their "teenage" tightness. Nature take its
toll on everyone. However, a certain (very small)
group of very clever women... over 2,000 years ago...
To Reverse Vagina Aging!
And these women became the most powerful on earth. They
married the richest and the most powerful men. If their
husband was a king, it was the woman who controlled the
king. You see, a woman who is old enough to know how to
give a man extremely good sex plus has a tight, moist,
young-looking vagina, has an enormous advantage over every
It doesn't matter how beautiful the other
woman is. It doesn't matter how sexy her body is.
It doesn't matter if she has big or small breasts. It doesn't
matter how interesting she is or if she has a high I.Q.
The truth is, a woman with a young, tight, "velvet
glove" vagina will get the man every time.
What did these special women discover 2,000
years ago? It was a cream. A cream which has been
a closely guarded secret for all those years.
What this cream does is:
t It tightens
muscles in the surrounding area!
t It increases a woman's sexual desire!
slows the menopausal process!
t It totally eliminates the need for vagina tightening
surgery which is the fastest growing (and one of
the most expensive) medical procedures being asked
for by women today!
restores the natural elasticity of the vagina!
increases the intensity, frequency and quality
of a woman's orgasms!
t It maintains natural color and a "teenage"
It acts as a lubricant with a fresh, clean
This product is called "Virgin" and it is based on
a secret herbal formula that is 100% safe and natural.
The main ingredient is Aleppo Oak Gall (AOG) that has been
treated with a secret process. It has been used for centuries
by the most powerful, the most successful and the most highly-desired
women in Asia.
And, now a Malaysian biotech company owns
the rights to this secret formula and is selling it to the
women of the world with...
Full One -Year
Money Back Guarantee!
If you are unhappy with this product for any reason, just send
back the empty product container (any time within the next 12
months) and get a full and immediate refund with no questions
asked. This product works!
It is easy to order and it only costs
$59.95 plus $4.00 shipping and handling. All you have to
do is use any of your credit cards and call the 800# below and
tell the operator you want to order Product #97.
(By the way, none of the operators will be aware of the type
of product you are ordering.)
You can call anytime 24-hours a day, 7-days
a week. Just give the operator your name, address and
credit card information and this amazing product will be
shipped to you by Overnight Priority Mail in a plain, unmarked
In my conceited, self-aggrandizing opinion, I
honestly believe there's no other copywriter in the world who
could have written that ad. There are many good (and a few
great) copywriters. But, there's only one true copywriting
god. (And, of course, that's Yours Truly.)
By the way, I did an enormous amount of
preparation before taking on this project. I believe it will
make my client (already an international multi-millionaire) a
profit that will have to be expressed by a 9-digit number.
We'll see, won't we?
Remember I told you earlier I work with
clients by phone, fax, FedEx, e-mail, and USPS? What I didn't
tell you is... my favorite way to work with clients is... in person!
And now that I've decided to take on clients
(a very few) again, if you want to work with me...
You Can Spend A Few Days 100% Free...
In That Vacant Studio Apartment
I Described Earlier!
If you decide to hire me and work with me in
person, I will unplug my home phone, my cell phone, my fax,
and even my computer. I will likewise ask you to turn off your
cell phone, beeper, and PDA (if you happen to have one). That
way, you and I will be able to work head-to-head,
shoulder-to-shoulder on NOTHING but your marketing project.
If this appeals to you (and you really
can afford to pay my $15,000 up-front fee) you are welcome to
call me at my home telephone number which is (786)
924-3918. And, if you are interested, you need to call
right away because... whenever I start accepting clients... I
get fully booked up... in the blink of an eye!
Do me a favor: Please do not call me
unless you're serious and can honest-to-God afford to pay my
$15,000 up-front fee. Do not call me if you just want
to pick my brain and get some free marketing ideas. All that
will do is piss me off and cause me to call my friend, Guido
in New Jersey to have you whacked. That will make me sad...
because... in an effort to upgrade my image, I'm trying to
avoid having to continue to take such extreme measures.
Gary C. Halbert
is no such thing as a "bargain copywriter". If a
is really good, he can sell himself so well he can end up
26-hours a day, 9-days a week.
I don't want to do that. Believe it or not, as much as
I love marketing, I'd really rather be playing around with my
caliente Costa Rican sweetheart than
busting my brain on some
Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights