South of Jewfish Creek
Help! I'm trapped in a trailer and I can't get
Natural disasters seem to follow me around
like I'm a little pile of iron fillings bedeviled by some
giant cosmic magnet. Remember that monster earthquake that hit
California in 1993? I was there. I left Florida and was in
California to head up a brainstorming session on how to profit
from the Internet. After the session, I returned to where I
was staying, which was an apartment of an ex-girlfriend who
was living in Studio City.
She and I are dead asleep when the building
starts shaking like a six pack of empty beer cans thrown into
a high-speed clothes dryer. I thought for a moment I had
somehow passed out in the Empire State Building and King Kong
(remember him, the giant ape?) was shaking the living shit out
of the building because he wanted to wake me up so he could
scream and bitch about something.
The first words out of my mouth (and I swear
this is true) were, "Hey
baby, was it good for you too?"
Apparently God or whomever was at the control
of the GIANT COSMIC MAGNET that night didn't see the humor in
my remark because... immediately... a huge dresser crashed
down on my head. I managed to get out from under the dresser,
wrapped my arms and body around the lady I was with and kept
saying over and over, "Just
hang in there honey. I've got you. I've got you good.
Everything's gonna be OK."
That part about everything being OK turned out
to be somewhat of an exaggeration. Her apartment was literally
shaken apart. Pictures and photos were flung from the walls;
furniture was overturned; her refrigerator had toppled over
with the door hanging open and milk, orange juice, eggs, and
the like were spilling onto the kitchen floor; her computer,
stereo and TV were trashed; and... oh hell, you get the idea.
Finally the shaking subsides a bit and, in the
darkness guiding ourselves by sliding our hands against the
walls, we stumble from the bedroom to the living room and
kitchen areas. Whoa! Holy shit! The first of many (thousands
of them) aftershocks hit us. Somehow for some reason I end up
in the kitchen area and then, stagger back into the living
room/dining room area. "Gary!
Gary! Gary!" she screams.
What? What is it?" I reply frantically.
Are Tracking Orange Juice And
Milk All Over My Carpet!"
Is that a woman for you or what? Actually,
I've noticed that all of us, as one of our coping mechanisms,
tend to focus on minutia when something monstrous is
happening. Believe it or not, her remark made me feel deeply
ashamed and I was standing there with a stricken look on my
face when, she looked at me, we both looked at the totally
devastated apartment, realized we had both been literally
shaken insane... and... we collapsed into a fit of compulsive
laughter. (Which, I think, is another coping mechanism.)
I moved back to the Keys almost exactly two
years ago. I didn't even get unpacked before me and Mongo man
(who has become one of the best copywriters in America) had to
catch the last
Greyhound Bus out of the Keys to escape Hurricane Georges. I
remember when we finally found the last two motel rooms in the
town of Okeechobee, how some dumbass woman on the phone was
interrogating the motel manager wanting to know whether or not
the place had a pool!
Picture it: Cars and trucks are bumper to
bumper from Key West to Orlando, rain and wind are hitting
everyone with the viciousness of an artillery attack, you
can't buy, beg or steal a hotel room or any other place to
stay... and... in the middle of all this...
Some Idiot Bitch Wants
To Know If The Place
Has A Pool!
Last year it was Hurricane Irene. She dumped
so much rain on this part of Florida, she flooded me out of my
apartment and I've been almost a total transient ever since. I
rode that one out with my Aunt and Uncle in the upstairs part
of the house. By that time Jack's cancer had gotten hold of
his mental faculties and I remember him asking me, "Gary, I wonder why the electricity just went out?"
Uncle Jack, maybe it has something to do with the hurricane
going on outside."
damnit, someone needs to do something about it. Wanda, you
call 'Rumor Control' right now!"
And so it goes. Now it's Debby. Only this
time, I've decided to write my newsletter before she
hits instead of after. I think it's just my way of dealing
with minutia instead of the monster. I know how to
write a newsletter. I don't know how to control acts of
God. My son Bond just called urging me to get out of here. But
you know what? ALL Keys' visitors have been ordered to leave
by Monroe County Emergency Management. So have all
high-profile vehicles. Highway 1 (the only road out) is
clogged with semi's, campers, RV's, buses, cars, etc. Just one
of those suckers has to run out of gas, blow a tire or
whatever and you'll have thousands of vehicles stranded about 1-1/2 inches above sea level
just stopped there like sitting ducks for sweet Debby to
eviscerate at her leisure. Besides the "strike zone"
probability area of this bitch is anywhere from Key West to
Palm Beach which means...
All Those Who Are
Fleeing Debby Might Be
Driving Right Into Her Arms!
Do you give a shit? Of course not. Hey, you
don't live here... so... I don't blame you. To tell the truth,
I myself haven't been fretting too much about all those
tornadoes in Oklahoma and Texas. What you want is to learn to
write copy, right? Well, since that's my job, I've decided to
get to it! Here's a choice piece for your "swipe
KEYS TOURISM ADVISORY #2 8/22/00, 11 a.m.
FROM THE MONROE COUNTY TOURIST DEVELOPMENT COUNCIL IN
CONJUNCTION WITH MONROE
COUNTY EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT
VISITORS ORDERED TO LEAVE
TO THE KEYS SHOULD POSTPONE
STRETCH RE-OPENS FOLLOWING
evacuation order for all visitors and non-residents to
the Florida Keys has been ordered by Monroe County
Emergency Management, effective noon today (Wednesday
Aug. 23), due to the threat of Tropical Storm Debby, A
state of emergency is now in effect for Monroe County.
hurricane, at 11 a.m. Wednesday, Debby had been
downgraded to a tropical storm by the National
Hurricane Center, but is expected to re-intensify and
regain hurricane status once it moves over open water.
The 11 a.m. position had the center of the storm
situated 19.8 N, 69.7 W or just off the northern coast
of the Dominican Republic and about 720 miles
southeast of the Upper Keys. Sustained winds are at 70
mph and the storm was moving just north of west, at
about 17 mph.
projected United States landfall position of the storm
is uncertain, the egress order for visitors is being
issued as a precautionary measure according to Billy
Wagner, Monroe County Emergency Management Director.
with immediate plans to travel to the Keys should
postpone their trips until the storm is well clear of
the area and the tourism infrastructure has
"All state and county
parks and private campground are ordered to close at
noon today. All high-profile recreational vehicles,
travel trailers and tent campers are ordered to leave
the Keys. Marine interests should begin preparations
to secure their vessels and anyone wishing to trailer
their boats out of the Keys should do so at this time.
Jewfish Creek and Snake Creek bridges will be ordered
locked down if a resident evacuation is needed.
"All residents need to
pay close attention to the progress of Debby, begin to
initiate hurricane preparation plans and be ready to
respond to an evacuation order.
evacuations have been ordered at this time. Schools
are to close in Monroe County Thursday and Friday.
County Emergency Management has activated its
Emergency Operations Center. The Monroe County
Emergency Information line, 1-800-955-5504, is
activated as well. The phone number for the
multilingual Keys Visitors Assistance Line is
1-800-771-KEYS. Keys tourism advisories are posted on
the Florida Keys Web site at www.fla-keys.com.
County Convention & Visitors Bureau has a central
database of available hotel rooms in Central Florida.
Visitors and residents interested in relocating to
Orlando can call (407) 363-5872 for details on
availability and rates."
18-MILE STRETCH RE-OPENED
"Closed for 20 hours
following an accident involving a tanker
tractor-trailer, the 18-mile stretch, that connects
the Keys with Florida City, re-opened Wednesday at 4
a.m. Wednesday morning, according to the Monroe County
Sheriffs Office. Card Sound Road is also open to
traffic and the toll there has been temporarily
Hey, that was a sorta compelling piece of
copy, wasn't it? The "sales job" kinda gets lost on
me though when they get to the part about how... yesterday...
that overturned tanker tractor-trailer closed what's known as
"The 18 Mile Stretch" for 20 hours. Be kind of a
bitch if that happens again today or tomorrow, won't it?
Hey, by the time you read this, it'll be all
over... and maybe... absolutely nothing bad will have
happened. Either way, what can it hurt by teaching you more
about how to write copy? OK, what I am about to teach you is a
way (maybe not the best or most inspired way, but... a way...)
that at the very least gets the job done.
collection of 3x5 headline cards to write a headline.
nugget notes about the features and benefits of your
product... plus... inspiration from your "swipe
file" to write as many "bullets" as
opening paragraph you are about to read in my latest
ad as an exact template for your ad.
||Use the close
(that's where I ask for the money) as an exact
template for your ad.
Now listen up! In newspapers there are all
sorts of shapes and sizes for ads... but... there are only a
few "SAU's" which means "Standard Advertising
Units" for which you can get extremely low price
advertising space. They are either a full page ad, a vertical
1/2 page ad, a horizontal 1/2 page ad or, a more or less
square-shaped 1/4 page ad. Observe:
Of all these, everything else being equal, pound-for-pound,
dollar-for-dollar, the most cost effective block of space you can buy is a 1/2
page vertical. It insures your headline appears above the fold and will nearly
always pull something like what 70% of a full page ad will pull. Of course, if
you have a full-page's worth of really good copy... use the full page! One-quarter page ads do work but, they will not
pull 25% of what a good, full page ad will pull... nor... 50% of what a good
1/2 page will pull. Here is the 1/2 page version of a brand new ad I have just
finished writing. It will be set as a vertical
To Have "Killer" Sex
At Any Age... Even If
You Don't Deserve It!
A small publishing company (Cherrywood Publishing) has finally
decided to publish a book about how to have better sex. This book is
so revealing... and... so provocative... it will literally take your
breath away. Here are some of the amazing facts you will learn when
you read this book:
||The real reason why
Prozac and Zoloft are so popular in this country! (Almost no
one... not even doctors... understands the startling sexual
||The single biggest
sexual complaint women have
||The single biggest
sexual complaint men
have about women!
"giveaway" which proves a woman is faking her
||A brand new discovery
(just approved by the FDA on February 28, 2000) that any man
can use to instantly (and safely) boost his testosterone
level. Note: This will not only improve his sex life... but
also... his overall health!
||A secret almost
nobody (except a few, elite very
wealthy people) know about... which can lead to... a
male having multiple orgasms!
||A special place (and a
special way) to touch a woman to guarantee mind-altering sex!
(This technique is so simple... and... so little-known... even
75% of all women don't know about it.)
||The two almost unknown
secrets (one mental, one physical) men need to know to have
rock-hard erections... at
any age! (These are crucial
secrets to improving a man's sex life forever.)
"aphrodisiac" which gently sends a woman's sexual
desire into white-hot overdrive!
||What lesbians know
about oral sex that men don't... and why... more men are now
losing their women to other
women... than ever before!
important thing a woman
can do to make herself more attractive to the opposite sex!
important thing a man
can do to make himself more attractive to the opposite sex!
||Three sure-fire ways
to tell if your spouse or "significant other" has
had sex with someone else in the last 24-hours!
||How any man can make
all of his erections last longer! (This is one of the most jealously
guarded discoveries of sex researchers who have been given
almost unlimited research funding by their wealthy,
contraception: It's over 99% effective, but so new, most people have never even heard about it!
||A male "pleasure
trigger" that was... accidentally... discovered by
medical doctors which... curbs premature ejaculation... and...
increases the frequency and quality of male orgasms!
||The number one rule
which absolutely... must
be observed... for women to have a truly
This book comes with an iron-clad, 90-day money-back guarantee
and it is easy-to-order. All you have to do is write your name and
address and the words "Killer Sex Book" on a piece of paper
and send it with your check or money
3101 S.W. 34th Ave. #905-467
Ocala, FL 34474
That's all there is to it. As soon as we receive your
payment, the book will be sent to you immediately via first-class
NOTE: All books are shipped in a
plain, confidential, unmarked package.
Well, there it is Buckwheat. What you've just read plus my
last few issues constitute a formulized, almost foolproof way of creating a
profitable piece of copy. It may not be the very best way. There's no genius
involved or necessary. Note also there's no need for you to have a telephone
or a credit card merchant account. This is a "meat-and-potatoes" way
to get the job done over and over.
I hope you appreciate me teaching it to you.
Gary C. Halbert
||Since my son Bond is
running my stock market trading business, I have started writing copy
for clients again. I haven't had a single miss. Last week Nutramerica
ran one of my ads in the Asbury Park newspaper and paid over $13,000
for the ad... which... has now produced something in the vicinity of
$94,000 in sales. If you need a "killer" copywriter who is
working... at his absolute peak... and... you can afford me ($15,000 plus 5% of
gross sales)... you're crazy if you don't call me right now at...
||Hey, it can't hurt to
Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights