North of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
In this letter, I'm going to give you the
"STAND OUT" reason my personal ad featured in "Can You Guess
Part III?" was so successful.
Just in case you're having a "senior moment"
that was the ad that started with the lead-in headline... "Are
You More Than Just Another Pretty Face?" - followed by
the main headline... "Generous, Creative Businessman Wants
To Find A Hot, Sexy Woman With A Good Sense Of Humor".
OK, just like "Can You Guess (Part I)?" I
received an amazing number of emails from people guessing
why this ad worked so well. Here's their guesses:
Headline: Many of my readers guessed the ad
worked so well because the headline was so dead-on-target.
This is certainly one of the reasons the ad was so
Dominated The Page: Many of my eagle-eyed
readers noted the fact this ad appeared in the classified
section of the paper... and... since it was a full-page
ad... there were no other ads to compete with it. Once
again, this is one of the reasons the ad was so successful.
The Word "Generous": Many people guessed that using
the word "generous" in my headline was pretty much iron-clad
insurance many women would be interested in what I had to
say. I think that's true. But curiously enough, as far as I
can tell, only one of the women who answered the ad was an
out-and-out gold digger. In fact, this particular woman only
read the headline and then dropped all the way down to the bottom
of the ad which told how to contact me. When I met her, it
was obvious she hadn't read the ad and my meeting with her,
if memory serves me correctly, lasted only about three or
four minutes. All the rest of the women who answered the ad
(at least this seemed true to me) were not gold diggers but,
they were women who didn't want to date any more losers.
Humorous: A lot of the guesses were the ad
worked because it was so humorous. I think that's true also.
Women, at least psychologically, like a man who can make
them laugh. Most women want to hook up with a guy who is
All of these were good guesses. All of the
above were, indeed, factors which made the ad work. But
remember... what I said we were
looking for was the "stand out" reason the ad
worked. I put those ads in my newsletters to illustrate a
certain feature... a "stand out" feature... which made them
work so much better than other ads. Even
other winning ads.
The stand out feature in this particular ad
is very much the same to the stand out feature which made
the ad in "Can You Guess (Part I)?" (the ad for the
Eye Surgery Centers of Tennessee) work so well. What made the ad for the
Eye Surgery Centers work so well was proof... specific proof.
And the REAL answer, the STAND OUT feature of my personal
For example, when I described myself, I
specifically, very specifically. Matter of fact, I described
myself so well, the women I met as a result of my ad were
able to recognize me immediately (even though they had not
seen a physical picture of me).
You know, I've often wondered about people
who lie about their age and appearance in personal ads. How
could they muster up the nerve to meet someone who has never
seen them before but had only read a description of them
which indicated they were 20-years younger, 12-inches taller,
and 40-pounds thinner than they actually are? It reminds me
of a scenario I carry around in my head.
A man and woman date each other. They're both committed to the idea
they should not have a sexual relationship until they are
married. After dating a while, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, the woman takes off her
bra and sets it on the dresser. Not only has she removed her
bra, she has also removed the falsies she
had been wearing which made her breasts look 3-cup sizes
larger than they actually are.
Then she shimmies out of the girdle which had been
responsible for giving her the appearance of a small, petite
She goes into the bathroom and removes her makeup which
now reveals an
As for the man, he starts by taking off his shoes.
which turn out to be "elevator" shoes. Ones which
made him appear
several inches taller than he actually is. (By the way, did you know John Wayne
wore boots with such high heels and lifts inside his boots
they made him appear 8-inches taller?)
Anyway, after our man
takes off his shoes, he also removes the expensive hairpiece
he was wearing which gave him the appearance of having dark, thick,
youthful-looking curly hair.
It turns out he likewise was wearing a girdle.
And when it's removed, his much larger gut is suddenly
revealed as opposed to the thinner waistline he had when he was fully dressed.
To top it all off, they each had gone into
the bathroom, pulled out their false teeth and plopped them
into glasses of water, revealing toothless smiles.
This is an exaggerated scenario. But a less
exaggerated similar scenario happens, I think, thousands of
time every day. If you want to lose your belief in the
credibility of other humans, I can tell you an easy way to
do it... just start dating people you meet online.
I'm only going to tell the following story
because, as an Alpha Shitweasel, I feel an obligation to
occasionally embarrass and humiliate my closest friends.
As you know, I have been training a
brilliant, young copywriter from Ireland named Caleb O'Dowd.
Not long ago, he "met" a woman online through something
called "Craig's List". This woman described herself as
extremely attractive, curvaceous and sexy, with all sorts of
other outstanding attributes. Caleb made a date with
her. As his mentor, I told him it would be prudent if we
planned an "escape route" for him... just in case. What we
agreed was, after he had been with her for about 20-minutes,
I would call his cell phone. I would tell him we had a
problem with the telephone operators who were taking orders
for his business and it had to be fixed immediately. If the
date was going well, Caleb would tell me that I should handle the
problem myself and he would take care of it the
following day. However, if the date was not going well,
Caleb would tell me that he would come back to the office immediately so
he could personally resolve the problem.
Well, me being me, and me being almost certain his
date was going to be a disaster, I purposely didn't call him
in 20-minutes. After about 45-minutes, I did break down and call him.
I told him about the problem just like we had discussed.
"Thank you for the phone call. I'll
leave right away to take care of it."
"That's really not
necessary Caleb. I think Amit, Theresa and I can really
"I'm leaving RIGHT NOW
to take care of this. It's too important for me not to come
Then I replied,
"No, really, you just go ahead
and enjoy your date. I assure you, we can handle it without
He then screamed,
"I'll fix it myself DAMN IT!
Don't do a thing without me."
When Caleb got back and started telling
Amit and myself about his date, we were convulsed with
laughter. Caleb said she had described herself as having a
guitar-shaped figure. When, in fact, she had an ass the size
of a Mack truck! He ranted and raved about the wretchedness
of this woman so much so, I wish Amit and I would have had a
video tape running. It would have played well on "The Comedy
By the way, this woman's name was Jamiel and
she'll never read this newsletter. So I want everybody who
does read it and who ever has the chance to
meet Caleb to say something to him like,
"Hey Caleb, want to
go to the bar and have a drink or maybe a cup of coffee? I've
got Jamiel waiting there for you."
Caleb being Irish is extremely fair-skinned.
We went to the beach a couple
weeks ago and he got lobster-red sunburned. But I tell
you... that rich-red sunburn was nothing compared to
the embarrassed flush that still comes over Caleb whenever anybody
mentions the name "Jamiel".
I've now given you something very
valuable: A tool with which to embarrass and humiliate a
good person whenever you're having a bad day.
Seriously though and all kidding aside, I
just don't understand how a person can grossly misrepresent
themselves in a personal ad... and then... have the nerve to
appear in person, looking and being so different than the
way they had described themselves.
So let me get back to and elaborate on the "stand out"
feature of my personal ad... which... once again was...
Not only did I accurately describe my
physical appearance, I also told the specifics of my workout
routine. I was so specific, I even mentioned the fact that when I did my roadwork, it
was near Lake Hollywood. I was specific and truthful about my two
marriages and the other women I had met in the recent past.
I was very specific about what I wanted in a woman... and...
what I didn't want in a woman.
All of you know (or at least
you should know) the copywriting formula AIDA (Attention
Interest Desire Action). I think an "S" should be added to
the end of that formula. The "S" would stand for "Specificity".
I'm now going to reveal a secret which can
multiply the profit of many, if not all, of the marketers
who read this newsletter.
This secret is true for ALL marketers... but
especially... especially... especially... true for online
I've said it many times before and I'll say
it again: There are three reasons people do NOT buy from
1) They don't want what you are selling.
2) They can't afford what you are selling.
3) They don't believe you.
Many of the people who go into direct
marketing and, especially those who go into internet direct
marketing, do so because they have "Walter Mitty"
personalities. A Walter Mitty type person is a guy who
dreams grandiosely in his mind's eye about doing heroic
things. Like maybe playing in The Superbowl. Or dating a
stunning model like Claudia Schiffer. Or making millions of
dollars like Bill Gates. But in reality, the Walter Mitty's
of this world just don't have the balls to actually get in
the arena to play ball or ask the woman of their dreams for
a date or to do all of the risky steps you have to do
to amass a fortune.
Believe it or not, I'm not being judgmental
about these type people. I'm just being objective. Truth be
told, in many ways, I'm somewhat a Walter Mitty type person
So, direct marketing, and especially online
direct marketing, has great appeal for these type people.
They can create advertising and say things about themselves,
their products, or services without ever having to meet
face-to-face the people to whom they communicate.
How much would you pay for a SECRET
GUARANTEE to multiply your profit? A hundred thousand
dollars? Ten thousand dollars? A thousand dollars? Fear not, you Lesser
Shitweasel! I'm going to reveal (for free) a way you can multiply your
profits by spending nothing (or at the most, maybe $100
Here's the thing: When people buy from a
sales pitch (ESPECIALLY an internet sales pitch) they have a
deep-rooted fear if anything goes wrong, they will
never be able to communicate with anyone from that business. They fear this for good reason.
The good reason
is, it's most often true. Actually, on the internet, it's almost 100%
Think about it: Buying something over the internet is truly
a leap of faith. All the customer usually knows about the seller is
their email address. The customer doesn't know if the seller
is male or female; a
pillar of the community or a fraud. The customer doesn't
know where the seller is located; they don't have a direct telephone number
to reach the seller; or any other way to get in contact with
Most internet marketers are "lurkers". They're
hiding in a dark closet in their underwear taking
amphetamines and grinning like 8-year-old boys who have just
dropped a lizard down the blouse of one of their female
classmates. They exult in the fact they can come off like
Superman... when... they are really nothing more than pathetic,
anorexic-looking little weaklings.
OK, maybe I'm exaggerating just a little
about internet marketers. But here's what all marketers -
internet or otherwise - should do to increase their sales.
All Marketers Should Give All Their
Enough SPECIFIC Details About
Themselves And Their Business...
It Convinces Them That, If Necessary,
"Reach Out And Touch The Marketer"
One way to do this is to simply give your
physical address. You can improve on that by giving out your
real business telephone number.
Let's take that a step further. What if in
our ad we spelled it all out like this:
"Our little company, ABC Widgets, Inc.
is located at 123 Elm Street in Massillon, Ohio. Our ZIP
44646. Our toll-free order-taking phone number is 1-800-xxx-xxxx.
You can reach an operator there any time, 24-hours a day,
7-days a week. However, if you
have any questions, you can call us directly at
1-216-xxx-xxxx. You can call our office any time Monday through
Friday, from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
And if you are ever in our area, we'd love for you to visit and we'll be happy to show you the merchandise we are
selling. Just make sure you don't come by between 12 noon
and 1:00 p.m. because that's when we close up shop for
Most of you reading this can't even begin
How POWERFUL An Addition
Those FEW Words Will Be
To Your Sales Pitches!
And all of you should know this: Only a
tiny, tiny percentage of your customers will actually ever
visit you or even telephone you. But, all of your would-be
customers will be greatly comforted by the fact they COULD
visit you if they wanted to and they COULD telephone you if
they so desired.
Now comes the stupid question which I am
sure is forming in the minds of many of my readers:
gosh Gary, I don't have a store. I don't have an office. Besides,
I want to remain anonymous. What am I supposed to do?"
Looky here, you brainless twit. You can do
this and still remain anonymous. And, without lying.
If you do have an office or a store, just
publicize it in the way I just described.
If you don't have an office or a store, just
spend $100 (or less) per month to get yourself a little 100
square foot office or retail space. It'll probably cost you
an extra $6 per month to put in a POTS line. (Plain Old
Telephone Service line.) Then, if you're really Walter
Mittyish like and chintzy, put a voicemail on your POTS line
with an outgoing message that says:
"Hi, you've reached ABC
Widgets Incorporated. We're busy right now but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get right back with you."
Then, of course, get right back to them yourself. Or if
you're truly a gutless wonder, pay somebody a minimum wage
to retrieve and make these return phone calls for you.
Just think what you will have achieved by
doing what I just suggested: You will have implanted in the
minds of all your would-be customers that they know where
you are, and that they can visit or telephone you almost any
time they chose. In other words, they'll know they can...
Reach Out And Touch You!
I hate giving out valuable advice like this
which I know so few of you will follow.
Gary C. Halbert
P.S. As you can tell by reading my personal ad, and by the
fact I planned an "escape route" for Caleb, and by the fact
I have a beautiful and non-toxic Costa Rican girlfriend, I
pretty much know all there is to know about women! For
example, I bet you didn't know that women have four specific
different kinds of orgasms. They are:
1) The POSITIVE kind: "Oh
Yes! Oh Yes!"
2) The NEGATIVE kind:
"Oh No! Oh No!"
3) The SPIRITUAL kind:
"Oh God! Oh God!"
4) The FAKE kind:
"Oh Gary! Oh Gary!"
P.S. #2 Even I am not conceited enough to believe this. Any
man who believes it is a complete fool. Would you like to
know the specific secret I used to capture my current
girlfriend and a few other exceptional women I have been
fortunate enough to have in my life? Well, here it is...
P.S. #3 There's another valuable but "hidden" lesson
in this newsletter. Hark unto me! We live in a complicated,
insane and frightening world. And in my opinion, none of us
have a ghost of a chance... unless...
We Can Laugh Good Naturedly At Ourselves!
Copyright © 2005 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights