South of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend &
QUESTION: How do you make God laugh?
ANSWER: Tell him your plans for the future.
I am in the midst of madness. My last issue
was also written from Key West and here's part of what I
"...Come closer. Pay careful attention. As I said
earlier, when I discovered the world of direct mail
and mail order, I was suffused with a certain kind of
peace. I knew no matter what twists and turns my life
would take, no matter how my marriages and
relationships would turn out, I would always have one
constant in my life. Namely: What I would do for a
living would be to develop, create and exploit direct
response (it wasn't called that back then) projects.
"It is still true and will
remain so until the day I die. I
"Right now, I'm sitting at a
picnic table, under the shade of what Key Westers call
a 'tourist tree' (the bark is always peeling) just
outside one of the government buildings on Whitehead
Street in Key West near MILE ZERO. I'm barefoot,
nekkid from the waist up, my toes are wriggling in the
scrub grass and marl beneath the table, there's a
gentle breeze blowing that refreshes me... and... I
sit here merrily writing away... happy as the
proverbial pig in shit."
I forgot. God
doesn't want Gary to be "happy-as-a-pig-in-shit."
God has chosen Gary to be a low-rent version of a modern-day
Job and, if Gary's happy meter gets to registering too high,
God seems to feel compelled to take corrective action...
Send In A
Three weeks ago, I'm just starting to get
settled. I haven't even got all my boxes unpacked from my move
from Miami Beach back to the Keys. The weather man keeps
pointing to a multi-colored snarl on the weather map on the
tube. It's getting closer to Florida.
And closer. And closer.
When it gets to the point where the
"strike probability" of where it hits land is 99%...
that... it will hit exactly where I live, I decide to
scoot. But, my car is in the shop. No cars to rent. They're
all taken. No plane seats to buy so I can fly out. They're all
taken. What's left? A trusty Greyhound bus, that's what. I
dispatch Mongo, my current cohort to go to the Greyhound
station. He phones me, "Gary, the bus didn't stop. It just zipped right by."
The next one zips by too. But, this time, says
Mongo, the driver at least waved. We decide to give up. But,
lo and behold, the third bus does stop. Mongo calls to alert
me to be standing at the side of the road (A1A), he gets on
the bus, the bus then stops for me, and... we boogie to Miami.
At Miami, I try to get another bus but nobody
wants to take the time to talk with me. I go into my Frank
Rizzo routine, scream, yell and terrorize everyone at the
Greyhound station. Finally, one of the Greyhound workers
allows as how there's a car rental place half-a-mile from the
bus station. Mongo and I heft our luggage and carry it out
into the sauna of a September afternoon in Florida, trudge
half-a-mile and finally rent a Lincoln Town Car.
We then take the Turnpike and head straight up
the middle of the State. We decide to stop running in the
thriving metropolis of a town called "Okeechobee"
(all the characters from "King of the Hill" live
here) and get two of the only motel rooms left between Miami
and Orlando. By the way, a curious thing happened as we were
checking in. The guy at the desk gets a call, rolls his eyes
heavenward and says, "No Ma'am, I'm sorry. We do not have a pool."
Think about it: Thousands of cars are clogging
the highways as people flee the coming storm. The airways are
filled with emergency alerts and instructions. Entire families
are reduced to staying in a single motel room. The storm looms
closer, closer, closer. And here's this daffy bitch, so
unconscious of what's happening around her, she wants to
The Hotel Have A Pool?"
Ma'am. It don't. But don't you worry. In two more days the
whole damn State will be... nothing but one big pool."
Well, the hurricane comes to my enchanted
islands, squats over them and savages every square foot with
hurricane force winds... that
last for 20 hours!
I'm sorry God. I beg your forgiveness. No more
wriggling my toes in the scrub and marl and being
happy-as-a-pig-in-shit. From now on, Misery
Is My Motto!
Oooh, a mosquito just bit me! Notice that God?
That sucked a little, didn't it? Oh nuts, my contact lenses
are drying out and my eyes are getting irritated and
scratched. Are you watching this God? It's at least a little
bit of a bummer, right? And hey, that spot on my jawline did
turn out to be skin cancer (a basil cell carcinoma) and I had
to have it removed. That counts for something, doesn't it? My
cats Amigo and Tiger were so traumatized by the storm, I had
to relocate both of them and actually had to hospitalize
Amigo. That's nowhere near "happy-as-a-pig-in-shit."
I know. I know. These are all minor
annoyances. But thousands of people just south of me still
don't have electricity and... hundreds
of them... have lost their entire homes. Look Lord, I
don't mean to tell you your business. But, you think maybe you
could see fit to give us folks who live down here "South
of Jewfish Creek" a breather?
Thank you. Amen.
All of which
brings me full circle to repeat something else I wrote last
"Part of my contentment is, I've
discovered a new aspect of my chosen calling which
lets whatever aptitude and talent I have for this type
of work really soar! After reading the last several
issues of my newsletter, have you figured it out? It's
none other than researching and writing about...
Overlooked Public Companies!
"I've found this
can be very profitable. Better yet, it's NOT only
about money. What I've discovered is, there are
hundreds (if not thousands) of tiny companies with
unheralded legitimate medical miracles which I can
publicize (like nobody
else!) on a global basis by writing about them in
my unique Halbertesque style. This tends to put these
heroic little companies on the map... and... helps me
make a nice couple of bucks for myself at the exact
"The ad you just
cut out and scotch-taped together is a case in point.
else: I'm not up for doing any seminars for a year or
so. I don't want to take on any clients either.
However, if you've got a computer, a modest bankroll
(maybe nine or ten thousand) I can teach you how to
make several thousand fungolas a day without ever
leaving the comfort of your home. What it involves is
making short-term trades in the stock market based on
breaking news. After I'm done schooling you, you could
make three to thirty trades a day and easily average
$1,000.00 per trade.
"But, it does
require focus. You will have to be on-line at least
two or three hours per day. However, once you get the
hang of it, it's actually fun!
"If you want to
learn how to do this, it will take three separate
telephone consultations with me of about one hour
each. Depending on your work ethic, you can have all
three consultations in the same week or stretch them
out over a month.
"No one in the
world has ever used this trading method... and... I've
never yet had a single losing trade.
"If you want me
to teach you how to do this, it's gonna cost you
$3,700 smackers payable in advance and you'll need at
least five or six thousand more to trade with.
I'm wrong, during our third telephone consultation,
you'll be making live profitable trades right there
while I'm on the phone with you... and... you'll go
away from that third call with something much more
valuable than the profits you've made. Namely: All the
knowledge and skills you need to make all the money
your greedy little heart desires.
"If you don't
want to work at home, you can get yourself a good
laptop (see that new SONY!), a satellite modem and a
global wireless telephone aircard... and then... if
you so choose...
Can Make Massive
Amounts Of Fungolas From
Anywhere In The World!
Howzabout I give you an update on that little
dealybop? First, almost everybody who took me up on that deal
is already in profit over and above the $3,700 they had
to pay me for the consultation! Why? Simply because this
trading system works like a Swiss watch. It is the best way to
make money I've ever discovered and I've decided to
devote quite a bit of time here to tell you why.
First, you can work from anywhere.
Secondly, you have no boss or superiors to
Thirdly, you have no employees to be
Fourthly, you don't have to manufacture
anything, assemble anything, pack anything, ship anything or
even... write anything!
You don't ever have to make a refund. There's
no inventory required. Add it all up and, this way of making
money is spelled...
Basically, all I teach my students is (1)
where to get the absolute freshest,
late-breaking news, (2) how to interpret that news,
and (3) how to act on that news.
What happens is, they are alerted to several
hundred 100% fresh
news stories every day, learn how to scan the headlines in a
flash, how to click on the headlines that look promising,
check out to see if the story is about a
publicly-traded company, how to make an instant purchase of shares in that company, how to watch the price
of those shares of stock change... in
real time... and... how to sell and take their profit.
My students can
make 15 or more profitable trades per day... and...
Never Hold On To
Any Stock More Than
Look, I'm not going to teach you here in this
newsletter what I teach my "telephonic students"
about trading stocks. However, I am going to teach you part of
what I teach them because it is relevant to whatever you use a
computer for, even if you don't trade stocks.
Listen up: The worst thing about working on a
computer is the horrible amount of "waiting time"
you have to endure. How many millions of man-hours have been
wasted while people watch that little pyramid spin around or
wait for that stupid little hour glass to disappear?
Hell, it's not millions of hours, it's billions... or maybe... trillions!
Hark unto me: Almost always, the weakest link
in the speed at which your computer works is the modem. Modem
speed is measured in kilobytes per second or "K's."
Think of "K's" as miles per hour or MPH for your
computer. If you have an older computer, it probably is
operating with a 14K modem. If your PC is relatively new, you
probably have a 28K modem. Almost every new computer on the
market comes with a state-of-the-art 56K telephone modem.
Having a 56K modem doesn't mean your computer will run at
56K's. It simply means it has the capability
of running at 56K's... if... everything else is optimized.
Whatever. After you read this newsletter, I
want you to call your local cable TV company and see if they
can hook you up with a cable modem for your PC. If they can...
As I said, the fastest telephone modem you can
get allows you the possibility of operating at 56,000
kilobytes per second. A cable modem gives you the possibility
of operating at 1,600,000 kilobytes per second. That gives
your computer the possibility of running 28.57 times faster.
In reality, a cable modem will make your computer run 1,000
times faster... because... the info is traveling on a great,
big wide cable freeway... instead of... a clogged-up,
telephonic, pot-holed back road. You probably won't be able to
get a cable modem. They are expanding this service as fast as
possible but, availability is still a long shot for any
particular geographic location.
But, check into it anyway. All it'll cost you
is a phone call and you might hit the jackpot.
If not, go to a website located at www.direcpc.com and read
all the data you find there. What you'll discover is, if there
is a clear line of sight (from the top of the building where
your computer is located) to the south... you can... for a
lousy $300.00 get yourself a satellite modem... which will...
make your PC run as much as 50 times faster.
If that doesn't work for you, call your
telephone company and tell them you want an ISDN line for your
computer. What an ISDN line is, (when you take the technobabel
out of it) is simply four phone lines smucked into one. Get
one of these dedicated to your PC and it will operate much,
you are really serious about using your PC, get yourself a
geek to strip it down. Get rid of almost all the programs they
loaded your computer up with when you bought it...
including... the anti-virus program. (You really don't need it but, I don't have time to tell you why right now.)
Anyway, what this is like... is... taking a car you intend to
race... and... taking all the junk out of the trunk, making
the porkers in the back seat get out and walk... and...
getting rid of everything else that will slow down the speed
of the car. (Including all the seats except the one you need
to sit in.)
Also, if you are not on AOL, sign up for it.
Not because it's the best... but... because it's the most
widely used. That way, if you and I are ever discussing
something to do with computers, I can say, "See that quote icon on the top of your tool bar? I want you to
click on that." It's like, if I were teaching you
trigonometry by phone, we'd both be needing to use the same
textbook so I could say in effect, "Turn
to page 318 and read paragraph three."
IMPORTANT NOTE: AOL has an 800 number you can
use to access the service for $6.00 an hour. I nearly always
use it. It's never clogged up because PC users, by and large,
are too moronically cheap to pay the fee. They'll waste hours
staring at that stupid blue triangle going round and round
but, they won't shell out the few extra fungolas to drive on
Should you use AOL's 800#? (By the way, it's
1-800-716-0023.) I don't know. I guess it all depends how much
your time is worth. If your time ain't worth six bucks an
hour, stay on your slow-assed, clogged-up, local telephone
RAM: Get as much of it as your computer will
take. RAM (Random Access Memory) is crucial to making your
computer work efficiently. It fits into slots inside your
computer and it looks like the reeds of a harmonica when you
remove the outside plates. RAM is cheap. You can get more of
it (and have it installed) at almost any computer store.
Pig out on it. Jam as much RAM as you can into
Finally, if you don't already have a computer
and you're looking to get one, do
not shop for a bargain. Choose between a Gateway GP6-333
($1,799), a Dell XPR 350 or the top-of-the-line Compaq or IBM.
You also may want to consider an NEC Direction SPB 400, with a
400 MHz Intel Pentium II chip, a 6.4 GB hard drive, 17-inch
monitor and 56K modem.
You can get any of the above PC's for
$2,000... whereas... if you try to go the cheap-ass route,
you'll be struggling to get a shit machine for around $1,000.
You know what? If you learn what I teach my telephone students
about trading stocks, you'll be able to make $1,000 to $7,000
or $8,000 several times per day with just the click of a
Think about it: Do you really want to cripple
your ability to do this because you are too stupid and too
cheap to get yourself the high quality tools you need?
Gary C. Halbert
||Remember how I
said you can do what I teach you from just about
anywhere? Well, when Mongo and I hauled ass to
Okeechobee, I took my trusty Compaq Presario lap-top
with me and never missed a beat.
Which reminds me:
I'm leaving for Rio on the 18th of November and will
be gone for a week. I'm not going to trade stocks from
Rio: I've got that Viagra research to worry about.)
When I come back, I will teach a few more people this
incredible money-making technique I've developed. I'll
do it until November 30th... and then...
you're interested, call Selena at 305/534-7577 and sign
you're gonna miss the boat. (By the way, don't let being
computer illiterate or not even having a computer stop
you. There's nobody in the world who can get you up and
running and using a computer... intelligently...
faster than me.)
Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights