North of Jewfish Creek
Dear Friend & Subscriber,
If you are in direct marketing... and... you
don't make a lot of extra profit because of the info in this
newsletter... you... are
too stupid to deserve to live!
Hey, can you tell I'm not sick any more? It's
really very easy. On the rare occasions I am sick, I snivel
and whine like you wouldn't believe. In fact, I'm so good at
it, I believe...
I Deserve A Black Belt
On the other hand (as you can see by the first
sentence of this letter) when I'm not sick, I revert to my
regular, prickish, asshole self.
So, that's who you've got now and, I'm going
to pound some info
into your little brain which will (for sure) make you a lot of
money. Some of it will be hard-nosed common sense... and...
later, I'm going to reveal to you what I believe to be a real,
honest-to-God marketing breakthrough.
Let's begin by assuming you are a
businessman... and... you are insane.
A new bank comes to town and, after you learn all about this
bank, you decide to do business with them. However, this bank
is a bit different from other banks. The main differences are:
deposit money into this bank they... DO NOT... give
you any type of receipt or deposit slip.
they... DO NOT... keep any record of how much money
you have deposited with them.
||And, hey, I
almost forgot: They also don't let you... EVER...
withdraw... ANY... of the money you have deposited.
So, why would you choose to do business with
such a bank? Like I said earlier, it's because you are
Aw, but you couldn't be that nutso,
could you? Shall we examine the way you do business and take a
A first-class postage stamp costs 37¢ these
days, does it not? Well, I want you to start thinking of these
stamps as 37¢ paper coins. Now, let's say you have a box with 100,000 of these
paper coins inside. You decide you don't want to keep all that
money laying around the office... so... you go get Pedro (your
lowest-paid employee) and tell him to boogie on down to
"The Bank For Insane People" and deposit all those
By the way, those 100,000 paper coins valued
at 37¢ each is worth a total of $37,000.
Anyway, Pedro trots down to the bank and
deposits the 37 thou. The counter clerk smiles and says, "Thank
you" and Pedro returns to your office. Now, actually,
before Pedro got to the bank, he realized he was "jonesing
for a joint." So, he opened the box, saw all those paper
coins and realized nobody would know if he took enough of them
to buy a few joints. So, Pedro reached his paw into the box
and took out a fistful of those paper coins. Then, he had
another thought: What he realized was, nobody would know if he
took... A LOT... of those paper coins out of that box. So, he
Pedro gets back to your office and you ask him
if he has deposited the paper coins into the bank. He answers
'yes,' and goes back to his minimum wage job of shoveling shit
or whatever other minimal task you have assigned him to do.
But, a nagging thought keeps tugging at the
corner of your alleged brain. You wonder if Pedro really did
deposit... ALL... of that $37,000 worth of paper coins. So,
you call the bank and ask them if he did. To which they reply:
you must have forgotten you are now doing business
with The Bank For Insane People and, we don't keep
records of deposits."
So, you smile, forget the whole thing and go
back to work.
Now, of course, you really aren't that stupid, are you?
No? Let's take a look at something else many
of you really do.
Many of you mail 100,000 or more letters per
week. More accurately, you have a lettershop do that for you.
They print the pitch, assemble it, take it to the post office
and then invoice you for the job.
Now, if they bought the postage to put on your
letters, they'll invoice you for $37,000 in postage costs.
Most likely though, you will have paid the lettershop up-front
for the cost of postage.
Now, how do you know they put all that $37,000
worth of stamps on your letters and dropped it in the mail?
I Flat Out Guarantee
You, They Did NOT!
Even if the lettershop owner himself (or
herself) is 100% honest, it is not the owner who takes the
letters to the post office. No, it's one of his
Guys who work on the loading docks of post
offices have low-paying jobs that suck. Minimum-wage Pedro who
works for you... or... his counterpart who works for the
lettershop also has a job that sucks. Do you think these guys
with their sucky lives have such high moral standards they
wouldn't even think of ripping off a lot of your 37¢ paper
A true story: Not long ago, I participated in
a little test. 10,000 diet names were rented from a list
broker. Half (5,000) of those names were given to a lettershop
with instructions to prepare the mailing and take it to the
post office. Then, we prepared the other 5,000 letters and
took them to the post office ourselves. The letters, envelopes
and everything about the mailing were identical. The only
difference was, who did the work. Guess what?
For Some Mysterious Reason
Our 5,000 Letters Pulled In
Three Times As Many Orders As The
5,000 Sent Out By The Lettershop!
Look, this doesn't mean you should stop
working with lettershops. You can still use them to prepare
your mail. You can still use them to put the stamps on your
mail. But, don't you dare let them take your letters to
the post office!
You have them deliver those letters to you!
Then, you count the letters and... take them to the post office yourself!
If you won't follow this advice, you really
are too dumb to live. It's exactly
like letting Pedro take your money to The Bank For Insane
People and then... taking his word... he deposited all the money. Hear this:
Taking Your Mail To The Post Office
Will Improve The Profitability Of Your
Mailings More Than Any Other Single
Thing You Can Do!
To hell with it. If you didn't get the message
after the way I just explained it, you are beyond all hope.
Now, let's talk about what I consider to be a
true marketing breakthrough. You know, if you use direct mail
or run a lot of space ads, you are doing one of two things:
||You are trying
to get leads.
||You are trying
to make an immediate sale.
Whichever you are trying to do, you almost
certainly give people a phone number to call. And, most of the
time, that number will be a toll-free number like an 800# or
an 888#. Well, sometime ago, I got suspicious about something
and I started to ask around and I began testing it myself.
Here's what appears to be true:
About Twice As Many People Will Call
A Regular Area Code Phone Number
As Will Call A Toll-Free Phone Number!
I'm not sure why. I suspect it's because
people think calling a toll-free phone number will connect
them to a high-pressure, rabid telemarketer who will try to force
them to buy something.
Not long ago, I asked a large number of my
readers to call a certain phone number. It was a 305 area code
phone number here in Miami. I asked them all to call on the
exact same date at the exact same time. They did and what I
discovered is my $15.00 per month voicemail number could be
called by 48 people at the exact same time... and... NONE of
them would get a busy signal. They ALL got my recorded
Did you get the part where I said a voicemail
with a regular area code phone number costs only $15.00 per
month? Do you know how much you would have to pay if all those
calls were going to your toll-free phone number... for
which... you have to pay the charges? Especially if you use an
answering service to take your leads or orders? On a monthly
100 Times As Much!
How do we exploit this
situation? I've got a "killer" way to do it which I
will explain in next month's issue of this newsletter. It's so
slick, it amazes even me.
But, I want to finish this
newsletter on another subject.
The readership of this newsletter has grown
almost beyond belief. And, because of this, I get a continuous
stream of requests from people (people I don't even know)
asking me to endorse their product or service.
I NEVER do it. I have a rule: I never endorse
anything somebody asks me to endorse. I only endorse things
when it is my idea. Usually, the people I'm endorsing don't
even know I wrote them up... until... they read it in this
newsletter at the same time everybody else is reading it.
You... CANNOT... buy an endorsement or any kind of ad in "The Gary Halbert Letter". Needless to say, I only endorse
things I believe have extreme value. And, this month, I'm
going to tell you about something which has mega-extreme value
and I strongly urge you to buy it.
A friend of mine lives right here in Florida
in a town called Winter Haven which is close by where my
mother used to live. He sells an "e-book" called "How
To Stop Your Divorce". His e-book outsells all the
other e-books combined on the subject of divorce. You know
why? It's because in almost every divorce, there is one
partner who does not want the divorce. And that partner
doesn't just "sort of" not want the divorce... they really don't want it!
All the other e-books on divorce are more or
less based on how to win your divorce; about how to inflict as
much pain and gouge as much money as possible out of that
scumbag prick or that rotten bitch you are married to. But,
that pitch is "off target". How to stop your
divorce is what one of the partners (and often both of them)
Anyway, I consider this to be one of the ten
most important books I have ever read. And, it's not because
I'm having relationship troubles either. My Costa Rican
corazon and me are ecstatic with each other and, I pray it
will stay that way forever. No, the reason I consider this
book so valuable is, in my opinion...
It Contains The
Best Lessons In
I've Ever Read!
What it teaches is an almost-foolproof
blueprint for getting the outcome you want in a business deal,
any kind of personal
relationship and, if you have even half a brain... it will
teach you how to dramatically enhance the profits of your
Just buy the book, Dummy. Hardly anything gets
this strong of an endorsement from me.
Not to mention, of course, it will be worth
its weight in gold if you happen to be in a troubled marriage.
All you have to do is, go online on your
computer and type in your website address bar...
Hey, be sure to tell 'em Gary Halbert sent you. Then, maybe I
can gouge a favor out of this guy some day.
Gary C. Halbert
On my website is an issue called "The Dark Side Of
Success!" It was written years ago but, it is as
timely now as it was the day I wrote it. I think you
should read it. Immediately.
Click on the link below...
Dark Side Of Success!
Copyright © 2003 Gary C. Halbert. All Rights