North of Jewfish Creek


Dear Friend & Subscriber,

In this letter, I'm going to give you the "STAND OUT" reason my personal ad featured in "Can You Guess Part III?" was so successful.

Just in case you're having a "senior moment" that was the ad that started with the lead-in headline... "Are You More Than Just Another Pretty Face?" - followed by the main headline... "Generous, Creative Businessman Wants To Find A Hot, Sexy Woman With A Good Sense Of Humor".

OK, just like "Can You Guess (Part I)?" I received an amazing number of emails from people guessing why this ad worked so well. Here's their guesses:

Headline: Many of my readers guessed the ad worked so well because the headline was so dead-on-target. This is certainly one of the reasons the ad was so successful.

Dominated The Page: Many of my eagle-eyed readers noted the fact this ad appeared in the classified section of the paper... and... since it was a full-page ad... there were no other ads to compete with it. Once again, this is one of the reasons the ad was so successful.

The Word "Generous": Many people guessed that using the word "generous" in my headline was pretty much iron-clad insurance many women would be interested in what I had to say. I think that's true. But curiously enough, as far as I can tell, only one of the women who answered the ad was an out-and-out gold digger. In fact, this particular woman only read the headline and then dropped all the way down to the bottom of the ad which told how to contact me. When I met her, it was obvious she hadn't read the ad and my meeting with her, if memory serves me correctly, lasted only about three or four minutes. All the rest of the women who answered the ad (at least this seemed true to me) were not gold diggers but, they were women who didn't want to date any more losers.

Humorous: A lot of the guesses were the ad worked because it was so humorous. I think that's true also. Women, at least psychologically, like a man who can make them laugh. Most women want to hook up with a guy who is intelligently humorous.

All of these were good guesses. All of the above were, indeed, factors which made the ad work. But remember... what I said we were looking for was the "stand out" reason the ad worked. I put those ads in my newsletters to illustrate a certain feature... a "stand out" feature... which made them work so much better than other ads. Even other winning ads.

The stand out feature in this particular ad is very much the same to the stand out feature which made the ad in "Can You Guess (Part I)?" (the ad for the Eye Surgery Centers of Tennessee) work so well. What made the ad for the Eye Surgery Centers work so well was proof... specific proof.

And the REAL answer, the STAND OUT feature of my personal ad was...


For example, when I described myself, I did so specifically, very specifically. Matter of fact, I described myself so well, the women I met as a result of my ad were able to recognize me immediately (even though they had not seen a physical picture of me).

You know, I've often wondered about people who lie about their age and appearance in personal ads. How could they muster up the nerve to meet someone who has never seen them before but had only read a description of them which indicated they were 20-years younger, 12-inches taller, and 40-pounds thinner than they actually are? It reminds me of a scenario I carry around in my head.

A man and woman date each other. They're both committed to the idea they should not have a sexual relationship until they are married. After dating a while, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, the woman takes off her bra and sets it on the dresser. Not only has she removed her bra, she has also removed the falsies she had been wearing which made her breasts look 3-cup sizes larger than they actually are.

Then she shimmies out of the girdle which had been responsible for giving her the appearance of a small, petite waistline.

She goes into the bathroom and removes her makeup which now reveals an acne-scarred complexion.

As for the man, he starts by taking off his shoes. Shoes, which turn out to be "elevator" shoes. Ones which made him appear several inches taller than he actually is. (By the way, did you know John Wayne wore boots with such high heels and lifts inside his boots they made him appear 8-inches taller?)

Anyway, after our man takes off his shoes, he also removes the expensive hairpiece he was wearing which gave him the appearance of having dark, thick, youthful-looking curly hair.

It turns out he likewise was wearing a girdle. And when it's removed, his much larger gut is suddenly revealed as opposed to the thinner waistline he had when he was fully dressed.

To top it all off, they each had gone into the bathroom, pulled out their false teeth and plopped them into glasses of water, revealing toothless smiles.

This is an exaggerated scenario. But a less exaggerated similar scenario happens, I think, thousands of time every day. If you want to lose your belief in the credibility of other humans, I can tell you an easy way to do it... just start dating people you meet online.

I'm only going to tell the following story because, as an Alpha Shitweasel, I feel an obligation to occasionally embarrass and humiliate my closest friends.

As you know, I have been training a brilliant, young copywriter from Ireland named Caleb O'Dowd. Not long ago, he "met" a woman online through something called "Craig's List". This woman described herself as extremely attractive, curvaceous and sexy, with all sorts of other outstanding attributes. Caleb made a date with her. As his mentor, I told him it would be prudent if we planned an "escape route" for him... just in case. What we agreed was, after he had been with her for about 20-minutes, I would call his cell phone. I would tell him we had a problem with the telephone operators who were taking orders for his business and it had to be fixed immediately. If the date was going well, Caleb would tell me that I should handle the problem myself and he would take care of it the following day. However, if the date was not going well, Caleb would tell me that he would come back to the office immediately so he could personally resolve the problem.

Well, me being me, and me being almost certain his date was going to be a disaster, I purposely didn't call him in 20-minutes. After about 45-minutes, I did break down and call him. I told him about the problem just like we had discussed.

Caleb said, "Thank you for the phone call. I'll leave right away to take care of it."

I responded, "That's really not necessary Caleb. I think Amit, Theresa and I can really handle it."

"NO!" He yelled. "I'm leaving RIGHT NOW to take care of this. It's too important for me not to come back."

Then I replied, "No, really, you just go ahead and enjoy your date. I assure you, we can handle it without you."

He then screamed, "I'll fix it myself DAMN IT! Don't do a thing without me."

When Caleb got back and started telling Amit and myself about his date, we were convulsed with laughter. Caleb said she had described herself as having a guitar-shaped figure. When, in fact, she had an ass the size of a Mack truck! He ranted and raved about the wretchedness of this woman so much so, I wish Amit and I would have had a video tape running. It would have played well on "The Comedy Channel".

By the way, this woman's name was Jamiel and she'll never read this newsletter. So I want everybody who does read it and who ever has the chance to meet Caleb to say something to him like, "Hey Caleb, want to go to the bar and have a drink or maybe a cup of coffee? I've got Jamiel waiting there for you."

Caleb being Irish is extremely fair-skinned. We went to the beach a couple weeks ago and he got lobster-red sunburned. But I tell you... that rich-red sunburn was nothing compared to the embarrassed flush that still comes over Caleb whenever anybody mentions the name "Jamiel".

I've now given you something very valuable: A tool with which to embarrass and humiliate a good person whenever you're having a bad day.

Seriously though and all kidding aside, I just don't understand how a person can grossly misrepresent themselves in a personal ad... and then... have the nerve to appear in person, looking and being so different than the way they had described themselves.

So let me get back to and elaborate on the "stand out" feature of my personal ad... which... once again was...


Not only did I accurately describe my physical appearance, I also told the specifics of my workout routine. I was so specific, I even mentioned the fact that when I did my roadwork, it was near Lake Hollywood. I was specific and truthful about my two marriages and the other women I had met in the recent past. I was very specific about what I wanted in a woman... and... what I didn't want in a woman.

All of you know (or at least you should know) the copywriting formula AIDA (Attention Interest Desire Action). I think an "S" should be added to the end of that formula. The "S" would stand for "Specificity".

I'm now going to reveal a secret which can multiply the profit of many, if not all, of the marketers who read this newsletter.

This secret is true for ALL marketers... but especially... especially... especially... true for online marketers.

I've said it many times before and I'll say it again: There are three reasons people do NOT buy from you:

1) They don't want what you are selling.

2) They can't afford what you are selling.

3) They don't believe you.

Many of the people who go into direct marketing and, especially those who go into internet direct marketing, do so because they have "Walter Mitty" personalities. A Walter Mitty type person is a guy who dreams grandiosely in his mind's eye about doing heroic things. Like maybe playing in The Superbowl. Or dating a stunning model like Claudia Schiffer. Or making millions of dollars like Bill Gates. But in reality, the Walter Mitty's of this world just don't have the balls to actually get in the arena to play ball or ask the woman of their dreams for a date or to do all of the risky steps you have to do to amass a fortune.

Believe it or not, I'm not being judgmental about these type people. I'm just being objective. Truth be told, in many ways, I'm somewhat a Walter Mitty type person myself.

So, direct marketing, and especially online direct marketing, has great appeal for these type people. They can create advertising and say things about themselves, their products, or services without ever having to meet face-to-face the people to whom they communicate.

How much would you pay for a SECRET GUARANTEE to multiply your profit? A hundred thousand dollars? Ten thousand dollars? A thousand dollars? Fear not, you Lesser Shitweasel! I'm going to reveal (for free) a way you can multiply your profits by spending nothing (or at the most, maybe $100 per month).

Here's the thing: When people buy from a sales pitch (ESPECIALLY an internet sales pitch) they have a deep-rooted fear if anything goes wrong, they will never be able to communicate with anyone from that business. They fear this for good reason. The good reason is, it's most often true. Actually, on the internet, it's almost 100% true.

Think about it: Buying something over the internet is truly a leap of faith. All the customer usually knows about the seller is their email address. The customer doesn't know if the seller is male or female; a pillar of the community or a fraud. The customer doesn't know where the seller is located; they don't have a direct telephone number to reach the seller; or any other way to get in contact with them. 

Most internet marketers are "lurkers". They're hiding in a dark closet in their underwear taking amphetamines and grinning like 8-year-old boys who have just dropped a lizard down the blouse of one of their female classmates. They exult in the fact they can come off like Superman... when... they are really nothing more than pathetic, anorexic-looking little weaklings.

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating just a little about internet marketers. But here's what all marketers - internet or otherwise - should do to increase their sales.

All Marketers Should Give All Their Prospective Customers

Enough SPECIFIC Details About Themselves And Their Business...

It Convinces Them That, If Necessary, They Could

"Reach Out And Touch The Marketer"

One way to do this is to simply give your physical address. You can improve on that by giving out your real business telephone number.

Let's take that a step further. What if in our ad we spelled it all out like this:

"Our little company, ABC Widgets, Inc. is located at 123 Elm Street in Massillon, Ohio. Our ZIP Code is 44646. Our toll-free order-taking phone number is 1-800-xxx-xxxx. You can reach an operator there any time, 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. However, if you have any questions, you can call us directly at 1-216-xxx-xxxx. You can call our office any time Monday through Friday, from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And if you are ever in our area, we'd love for you to visit and we'll be happy to show you the merchandise we are selling. Just make sure you don't come by between 12 noon and 1:00 p.m. because that's when we close up shop for lunch."

Most of you reading this can't even begin to imagine...

How POWERFUL An Addition

Those FEW Words Will Be

To Your Sales Pitches!

And all of you should know this: Only a tiny, tiny percentage of your customers will actually ever visit you or even telephone you. But, all of your would-be customers will be greatly comforted by the fact they COULD visit you if they wanted to and they COULD telephone you if they so desired.

Now comes the stupid question which I am sure is forming in the minds of many of my readers: "But gosh Gary, I don't have a store. I don't have an office. Besides, I want to remain anonymous. What am I supposed to do?"

Looky here, you brainless twit. You can do this and still remain anonymous. And, without lying.

If you do have an office or a store, just publicize it in the way I just described.

If you don't have an office or a store, just spend $100 (or less) per month to get yourself a little 100 square foot office or retail space. It'll probably cost you an extra $6 per month to put in a POTS line. (Plain Old Telephone Service line.) Then, if you're really Walter Mittyish like and chintzy, put a voicemail on your POTS line with an outgoing message that says: "Hi, you've reached ABC Widgets Incorporated. We're busy right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get right back with you." Then, of course, get right back to them yourself. Or if you're truly a gutless wonder, pay somebody a minimum wage to retrieve and make these return phone calls for you.

Just think what you will have achieved by doing what I just suggested: You will have implanted in the minds of all your would-be customers that they know where you are, and that they can visit or telephone you almost any time they chose. In other words, they'll know they can...

Reach Out And Touch You!

I hate giving out valuable advice like this which I know so few of you will follow.


  Specifically yours,

Gary C. Halbert



P.S.  As you can tell by reading my personal ad, and by the fact I planned an "escape route" for Caleb, and by the fact I have a beautiful and non-toxic Costa Rican girlfriend, I pretty much know all there is to know about women! For example, I bet you didn't know that women have four specific different kinds of orgasms. They are:


1) The POSITIVE kind:  "Oh Yes! Oh Yes!"


2) The NEGATIVE kind:  "Oh No! Oh No!"


3) The SPIRITUAL kind: "Oh God! Oh God!"


4) The FAKE kind:      "Oh Gary! Oh Gary!"


P.S. #2  Even I am not conceited enough to believe this. Any man who believes it is a complete fool. Would you like to know the specific secret I used to capture my current girlfriend and a few other exceptional women I have been fortunate enough to have in my life? Well, here it is...

Blind Luck!


P.S. #3  There's another valuable but "hidden" lesson in this newsletter. Hark unto me! We live in a complicated, insane and frightening world. And in my opinion, none of us have a ghost of a chance... unless...

We Can Laugh Good Naturedly At Ourselves!





Click Here If You Want
To Be On My Newsletter
Announcement List

Copyright 2005 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.