South of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

      It's almost here. The new year stretches before us like 365 blank pages of a personal diary.

      What will be written on those pages by this time next year? Will it be a tale of health, wealth, romance and wondrous prosperity? Or will those pages tell a story of misery, slime and sadness? There's only one thing for sure... whatever is written on those pages will be authored by you and me!

      Isn't that neat? Just think... each of us is writing our own personal action adventure... and...

We Can Make It
Come Out Anyway
We Want!

      More than anything now, my job has evolved to one of teaching. I teach through this newsletter, through my audio tapes and videos, through my seminars and sometimes, as a guest speaker at other people's seminars.

      And you know, every time I stand on a stage and look out at a sea of expectant faces, I ponder a bit on how some of the people in the audience are going to take the info I give them and go forth and make millions. And others... well, those others are going to remain losers no matter what I or anybody else ever teaches them. What is the difference between the winners and the losers? Is it intelligence, breeding, "connections," education... what?

      I'll tell you something: This issue of my newsletter is going to make a lot of my readers very uncomfortable. Why? Simply because I know the difference between winners and losers and, in this issue, I'm going to put the choice right dead square in your face. I'm going to give you an extraordinarily simple set of instructions and, if you do what I say, your chances of becoming extremely prosperous are going to be magnified by a factor of at least 1,000!

      But most of you are not going to follow these simple instructions. I know that already from past experience. And I even know already the reasons you're going to give for not doing what I suggest. These are the same reasons everybody (including me) nearly always gives for not doing something which will make our lives better. One of those reasons is not enough time, right?

      Well, that reason is not going to wash here because the time involved is just one lousy day. Think of it: I'm saying you only have to give up one day to give yourself a 1,000 times better shot at mega-prosperity.

      And another reason is not enough money, right?

      Sorry... that reason is not going to wash here either because the money involved will probably amount to about $8.00 to $90.00 depending on where you live. And surely, even the most directly-financially stressed of any of us can scratch up that kind of dough, can we not?

      And finally, we come to the reason that pisses me off to no end every time I hear it. It makes my blood boil. It infuriates me. And, this reason is only given by people who have no understanding whatsoever of what it is that really separates the achievers from the pathetic. This reason for not doing something is: "You don't really have to experience something to understand what it is all about." Dummies who use this kind of reasoning are people who smoke and proclaim they truly do understand they are risking lung cancer. It's just not true. Go to the Stehlin Cancer Foundation in Houston, Texas and hang out with some patients who have advanced lung cancer, all of whom got it from smoking, and ask any of them if they now believe that, in the past, when they were smoking, they truly understood what they were risking. Men can never truly understand what it is to have a baby. Non-alcoholics can never truly understand alcoholism. Straight people can never understand what it is to be gay. Gays can't hope to thoroughly comprehend what it is to be straight. And...

Spectators Can Never Understand
What It Is To Be A Player!

      Oh shut up. I know you don't like this issue but, as I see my job, every once in a while I have to risk your displeasure and give you a core message you must understand if you really, really, really want to be a winner. So, all I'm saying is, don't give me that crap about how you don't have to do the simple task I'm going to give you because you have the mysterious ability to understand something even if you don't experience it. By reading about it, maybe. Or watching it on TV. Or listening to some audio tapes. Yes, I know... you are blessed. All you have to do is go to a concert and... SHAZAM!... you can immediately understand what it takes to be a stage musician.

      Why am I blathering on about this? Let's go back to where I'm standing on that stage looking out a sea of expectant faces. You know what the hardest thing it is for a caring teacher like me to do? I'll tell you... it's not to explain something to my audience. That's relatively easy. No, my friend, the real challenge is to make my message real to that audience. You see, anyone who understands for real what it is like to have lung cancer will never smoke. And anyone who understands for real the truth of how my marketing methods can change their lives will then...

Go Do What I Teach
And Get Rich!

      Here's a little story that illustrates the difference between "intellectual" knowing and knowing knowing. A few days ago I got a call from Ben Suarez and it reminded me of what happened once when he was visiting me in L.A. We were in my boat in Marina Del Rey and slowly making our way out to the open ocean. The boat was a 23 foot center console Mako with two 115 horsepower Evinrudes clamped to the stern. Anyway, as we were sedately chugging along, Ben remarked he "knew" this boat was fast. I challenged him on that. I told him he only had a bullshit intellectual idea the boat was fast, that he really didn't know it at all. Ben said he didn't understand. I told him not to worry, soon enough I would make my point.

      Well, we get about a mile out into the Pacific Ocean and I stop the boat. "Hang on to the rail by the console," I tell Ben. "And bend your knees. And open your mouth as though you were getting ready to scream."

      He was getting ready to scream, he just didn't know it yet. So... I looked over at Ben to make sure he was all set and then I floored that sucker. Wheoo! That boat leaped forward like a big-assed bird trying to outrace a shotgun blast. We ploughed through the waves like a freight train gone wild. The wind from the slip stream tightened back the skin on our faces and made our eyeballs bulge. The ocean spray lashed out at us like a spurned lover from hell. Part of the time we were actually airborne, clear out of the water! We were slamming, sloughing, leaping and Bengieballs was screaming for all he was worth...

"Oh Lord!  Oh Jesus!  Oh Shit!
Holy Mary!  Oh My God!
Oh  My  God!   Oh  My  God...
This Boat Is Fast!"

      And then he knew. Really knew.

      And it's that difference, the difference between "intellectually" knowing and really knowing that can save your life... or make you rich.

      Enough preamble. Now it's time for me to give you your little assignment. And, after I give you this assignment, I'm going to explain the significance of it to you in minute detail. And, after my explanation, the more dense of my readers will say, "Hey yeah, this makes sense to me. I understand what he's getting at so... there's no real need for me to actually do this little exercise."

      Is that you? If so, you lose. Because you cannot understand what I'm getting at unless you do the assignment. And, if you do do the assignment...

Your Lust For Money Will
Be Energized Beyond Belief
For All The Rest Of Your Life!

      Here is your assignment: I want you to place a classified ad in the largest circulation newspaper in your area. Here is what the ad should say:

Housewives wanted to address
 envelopes at home. You must 
have a typewriter or good 
handwriting. Call 000-0000. 

      I want you to run this ad in the "help wanted" section of the classifieds exactly the way it is written above. The only acceptable change whatsoever is maybe changing the word "housewives" to "part-time workers" and you should only make this change if the newspaper forces you to. Sometimes newspapers will insist you make a change like this because advertising for housewives is sexist (they say) and shows prejudice against men.

      Anyway, running this ad is the first part of your assignment. The second part is you personally take all the calls this ad will generate. Also, you should take these calls on a single line phone.

      You know, back in the days when the likes of Ben Suarez and his brother Rick were working for me, I used to insist that key employees complete this little assignment and, nearly always, my employees thought I was a little nuts. But, since they depended on me for their paychecks, they didn't have much choice in the matter and here is what would always happen... which will also happen when you do this assignment:

1. First, you will be awakened before dawn by someone answering the ad.
2. By 7 a.m. or 8 a.m. your phone will be ringing with some frequency.
3. By 10 a.m. you will learn not to hang-up the phone but to merely depress the disconnect button because, as soon as you release the button, the phone will ring again.
4. The phone will continue to ring for days and, although I'm only asking you personally take the calls for just 1-day, by the time your phone stops ringing entirely (some two weeks later) you will have received hundreds of calls.
5. Some of the callers will ring back twice, three times and more.


      So what's the point? Ah, not so fast, my friend. Before I get to that, you're going to have to endure even more of my fatuous drivel. Be patient. This drivel is relevant.

      Ready? OK. Once upon a time when I was publishing this newsletter from Los Angeles, I got a call from one of my subscribers who was selling a very high-priced service to companies who were (or should be) doing business with Pacific Rim countries. "How to get the attention of these companies?" that was their question.

      "Do this," I says. "Go to Deak-Perrara and get some paper currency from each of the Pacific Rim countries. Get the lowest denomination bills you can. Then put a bill from each different country into a bundle and attach that bundle of bills to the top of the first page of a personally-typed letter. The letter should be dated, have an inside address, and be sent first-class or better yet, via Federal Express. The letter should begin by telling the recipient to hold that bundle of money in one hand while he holds the letter in the other hand and reads it. The letter should go on to say the money the reader is holding in his hand is only a microscopic sample of the money he and his company is missing out on by not using the firm the writer of the letter works for to help capture a share of the Pacific Rim market."

      My callers (there were two of them) were elated. They sang my praises. They said this was a great idea.

      Time passes. About a month later they ring back wanting to talk some more and perhaps pick up another good idea or two. "How did that last mailing go?" I asked. "The one where you attached the bundle of bills?"

      "Oh, we haven't gotten around to that yet," they say. "But we think it was an exciting idea and we'd like to pick your brain some more."

      "No way," I said to them. "I'm going to hang up and, quite frankly, I have no interest in ever talking to you again!"

      They couldn't believe it. How could I be so insufferable? It was easy. You see, I am often very short with people who approach me as players and then I find out they are really only voyeurs. Listen, you want to know what is one of the major differences between winners and losers? It is simply...


      Winners go out and get going before they know all the answers or even most of the answers. Losers will study a problem endlessly to make sure they don't do anything "rash." Would you like to know a few "clues" that suggest the person you're talking with probably is not now nor ever will be an effective money-making machine? OK, I'll tell you. But remember these signs are not infallible; there are exceptions. However, whenever you come across one of these signs, at the very least, a little red flag should pop up in your mind to warn you that maybe (probably) you are talking to a time-waster.

Clue #1. The person has a college degree beyond that of a B.S.

      Look, college doesn't teach anyone how to make money. In fact, from that point-of-view, a college education has a negative value. And, of course, a smart student will learn this long before four years are up. However, a "voyeur," someone who wants to hide-out from life, can escape reality for years by going after a master's or a doctorate degree.

      But wait. You've always heard college-educated people earn more money than non-college-educated people, right? Sure, that is true in general but, for that observation to be correct, it should be stated thusly:

A Non-Player With A
College Degree Will Usually
Make More Money Than
Another Non-Player Without One

      Of course, players often make 100 times or 1,000 times or 10,000 times more than non-players with or without degrees! You know, once upon a time, a salt-of-the-earth businessman (not me) was at a society cocktail party when the hostess found out he didn't have a college degree and expressed her condolences.

      "Oh, don't worry," replied the businessman, "it's really OK. You see, I've got about 150 guys with degrees working for me!"

Clue #2: The person knows how to operate a personal computer.

      I'll admit there are a few exceptions but, for the most part, anyone who knows how to run a PC is a clerk. Usually, this is such a person that likes to bury himself in technological effluvium in order to avoid the exhilarating, exciting and terrifying real work of a player which is, of course... SELLING!

      You know, whenever someone starts bragging to me about how well his operation is computerized, I groan inwardly because it is almost certain that person has totally neglected the truly important aspects of his business.

      Know this: For the most part, computers are the concern of clerks, typists, underlings and children... not players!

Clue #3: The person has to "talk-it-over" with someone else before he can commence movement.

      This could be his spouse, his partner, his banker, his lawyer, his Daddy, his Mommy or whomever. This is the kind of person who aligns himself with other non-players because he doesn't realize...

Two Or More Sissies Can
Never Equal 1-Pair Of Testicles!

      And by the way, these days, I see a lot of women who have more balls than the sorry men in their lives.

Clue #4:...

      No wait! I'm getting off track here! Enough about clues. Let's see, what was supposed to be the point of this newsletter anyway? Oh yeah, I was going to tell you the reason you should run that little ad for housewives to address envelopes. Look, that ad, including the phone number, contains only 17 words. Yet, because it is so "on-target," because it penetrates precisely into the profound needs and desires of a huge segment of population... that little ad is a button that starts up a huge engine of desire. It will cause a "river-of-need" to be diverted onto your property. What that means, of course, is you can harness the power of that river to achieve your own noble objectives. (Such as making lots of money.) But you will never fully understand that river (and thus be able to harness its power) until you become intimate with it. That's why you have to take the calls yourself. So, when you listen to the callers, you can hear how much, how very much, they want this kind of work. You will be able to feel their need, to identify with it. To understand it... for real.

      And something will change in you, my friend. All of a sudden you will know (truly know) that words on paper really can produce results! And once you know that, really know it, this business of direct response begins to get very exciting. Your fungola-seeking antennae will begin to function better. You'll become "tuned-in" to looking for other "pockets-of-needs." And, because you have experienced this one first-hand, then you will be able to identify another when you come across it. No longer will you see an overweight person as just another porker. No, you will see that person as a fat, little, walking-talking cash register. No longer will you see the coming depression as a threat. No, you will begin to realize that... if you can find the right combination of words to direct the emotion generated by the economic slump... then maybe you can do so in a manner which will enrich and profit you and others. What I'm saying is...

If You Do What I Say And Let This
Change Take Place Inside You Then, You
Will Be Automatically More Tuned-In To
"Pockets-Of-Need" And Your Mind
Will Begin To Show You How To Pick
Those Pockets In An Ethical Way
That Makes You Rich!

      Look, I'm having trouble with this. I'm not explaining it very well. Words are inadequate. You literally have to experience what I'm talking about to be able to understand. So... if you really want to give yourself a shot at the brass ring, then...

Run The Damn Ad!


  Gary C. Halbert
(a porker with a sense of humor who doesn't want nasty letters from other porkers without one)



   Nuts, I'm not satisfied yet. This is one of the most important things I've ever tried to communicate to you and I  have the feeling you think I'm looney tunes. Look, what stops people from doing something is often the simple fact they don't know... really know... it can be done.

   Case in point: For over a hundred years nobody was able to run a mile in under four minutes. No one "really knew" it could be done. Then, Roger Bannister did it and lo and behold...

  Dozens Of Other People Did 
It Right After Him!

  Because now they knew it could be done.


  I had a very nice visit recently from Larry Brown, one of my Lifetime subscribers who lives in some dreadful place (Michigan) where the sun don't shine. (By the way, after God created earth, whenever he decided a certain part of it was fit for human habitation, he planted palm trees so we'd know where to settle down.) Anyway, like I said, it was nice spending a few days with Larry except he drove me crazy by constantly insulting the mother of some guy named Lee who also lives up there in no-man's land. Whatever. In any case, one day we are out on the mighty Original Sea Hunt and I give Larry the wheel (we were up in the tuna tower) and I go below to take a nap. Larry couldn't believe it. Not only had he never driven a boat like mine before, he also had never even been out in the ocean. Well, guess what he discovered? (1) He discovered he could run the boat. Even without hardly any preparation. (2) He discovered it was both terrifying and exciting. (3) He discovered when it got rough (like when the water started coming over my 18 foot tower) he could get help.

Look, I'm going to take a liberty here and give you Larry's phone number. It's (313) 476-9645 and, if you doubt the importance of the message in this issue...  call Larry and ask him if he could ever possibly have understood what it is like to run a small boat out in rough water in the Gulfstream (only 70 miles from Cuba)... without actually doing it! (There's a moral here somewhere.)

P.S.#3 I almost never let anyone mail to my subscribers but, I've made an exception. One of the best copywriters I've ever met is a guy named Brad Antin who has been a tremendous help at my seminars. Anyway, you'll soon get a pitch from him for a 900# seminar in Las Vegas and, if you're interested in this area, give it your consideration.
P.S.#4 Hire at least one of the people who answer your help wanted ad. After all, you can always use someone to address envelopes if you're running a real direct response business, now can't you? 


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Copyright 2003 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.