South Of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

Here is your reward for recommending my website to your friends. It's called... "The Three Biggest Secrets To Making Huge Website Profits" and I'm going to get right to it.

The first thing I want to tell you is...

Sell Stuff People Want To Buy!

There you are. Six words that will solve 85% of the most "so-called" marketing problems in the world. If you were to analyze the most searched for words on the Internet, you would come up with words like sex, big tits, Cameron Diaz, Kobe, Britney Spears, etc. These words represent things people are curious about, want to read about, "the flavor of the day", etc. They do not necessarily represent stuff people want to buy.

Think about the Yellow Pages of your phone book for a moment. Did you ever feel an idle curiosity about dentists or carpet cleaners or transmission repairs and go to those sections of the Yellow Pages and settle down for an afternoon of leisurely reading?

I bet not. I bet the only time you looked up "Carpet Cleaners" is when you needed your carpets cleaned. I bet you only looked under "Dentists" when you had a tooth that was hurting or needed some other type of dental work. Transmission repair? You probably only went to that section when your car was having transmission problems.

The Yellow Pages is a big book that tells you where to look for...


You won't find Britney Spears or Brad Pitt listed there. Thus, a key to making HUGE Internet profits is... to think of it as a MONSTER YELLOW PAGES book... that is also stuffed with zillions of other things... which are only of curiosity value... not solutions.

Suppose someone types "yeast infection" or "urinary tract infection" into a search engine. Do you think those people woke up one day with an insatiable desire to satisfy their curiosity about those subjects? No, of course not. They typed in "yeast infection" most likely because they had one and wanted to get rid of it.

By the way, if you do type in "yeast infection" the top sponsored site is headlined "Stop Your Yeast Infection Now!"


That's exactly what the person who typed in the phrase "yeast infection" wants to know: How to stop that damn yeast infection!

Same with "urinary tract infection". By far, the most profitable thing to sell via the Internet is...


And, the more desperate he is for the solution, the more he will pay for it. Take a person with a truly painful toothache. Show that person a painting of the Mona Lisa or take him to the Grand Canyon. Do you think he gives a shit about the beauty before his eyes? Not a chance. All he cares about is...

He Wants His Damn Tooth
To Stop Hurting!

Put him in a roomful of sexy, naked, turned-on women. He won't even notice them. At least until that tooth stops hurting.

Start talking to him about how he can triple his income by making a five minute change to his advertising. Think he cares?

But, if you offer him, immediate relief from tooth pain... then...

Aha! You've Got Him!

Here's a very valuable tip: When you're just starting out in marketing, don't even start selling people stuff they want. Start by selling them... what they have to have. Sell them solutions to problems they've got to solve...

Before They Can Even Think
About Anything Else!

Don't have a product? Good! That leaves you free to sell the best product of all which is... information!

If your tooth is killing you, wouldn't you like to spend $10.00 for an e-book of only two pages which can be delivered to you immediately... that tells you... how to stop that tooth pain instantly? Hey Bubba, not only is that exactly what you want, you ain't gonna spend nuthin' on nuthin' else until you get it!

Look, in marketing (except for the LMS* finer details) there are only three things you have to worry about:

1. Your product!
2. Your sales pitch!
3. Your "delivery system" for your sales pitch!

I've already covered #1 (your product) in detail. Mainly, if you're not already married to some other product, sell a paper and ink solution to someone... who has a problem... they HAVE to have solved.

Next comes...

The Sales Pitch!

People are very confused (almost imbeciles) about how to create a sales pitch. As a general rule, the more you tell, the more you sell. Your website sales pitches should be nothing but a long, easy-to-read SALES LETTER. Do not clutter it up with graphics. Do not use animation. Do not try to make it look professional. And for God's sake, do not clutter it up with bullshit they can click on that tells "who we are" or "our mission statement" or "our goals"... or... "our history".

Nobody but you cares about that garbage. Tell them about your solution. Use black ink against a yellow background. Use the letters on my website as your guide to how they should look. And, put EVERYTHING into your sales (oops, I meant website) letters.

Look at it this way: Suppose God came down from heaven and he was feeling playful. He picked out 110 women (or men)... and... one of those people was the person with whom you were going to spend the rest of your life. God refused to let you see any of them. Not even a video, a photo or a drawing. He refused to let you talk to any of them. He refused to let you hire a detective to check them out.

Nope. What He made all of them do is write a letter telling you about themselves. How much detail would you want in that letter? Would you want it to say...

"Hi. I'm Bunny. I'm a Gemini
and I like cats and walking
on the beach. Hope you choose me."

Get real! That's NOT what you would want to know about the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. No. What you would want to know is...


And, so it is when people are spending their money. If it's any kind of significant expenditure at all... or... if it's something they know very little about... you can't tell them too much!

And listen: Try to make your product the best on the market. The secret is research. If you are selling info on yeast infections, do enough research to become the world's leading expert on the subject. (It probably won't take much.) Give them a lot of info they DON'T already know. Incorporate this almost-unknown info into "blind" teaser copy in your website letter. Like this...

* Three common foods that (if eaten twice weekly) will 100% guarantee you will NEVER have another yeast infection!
* Why you canNOT ever use an air purifier in your home if you want to avoid yeast infections!
* A popular household pet that is responsible for 53.7% of all yeast infections!

OK, I just made those up... but... if I spent a few hours doing serious research, I am dead certain I could come up with little-known facts just as appealing.

Finally, do NOT let your prospect order online. Only accept TELEPHONE orders. And, only let them call your regular area code number. Never ask them to call an 800 or an 888 toll-free number. It has now been proven that twice as many people will call a POTS number (Plain Old Telephone Service) as will call a toll-free number.

Why? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it has something to do with the idea that calling a toll-free number will get you connected to a high-pressure telephone salesman... whereas... (at least in the prospect's mind) that is less likely to happen if they call a POTS number.

Also, calling a POTS number tends to give people the feeling they could get someone on they phone if they ever needed help... whereas... calling a toll-free number is more likely to connect you to "Voicemail Hell".

Phone orders only? Are you kidding? Isn't the Internet set up for anonymous, ease-of-ordering? Don't people prefer to use "shopping carts" and place an order right over the 'Net?

No! No! No! No! No!

And, I can prove it to you. Here's something everyone who is reading this has done dozens (if not hundreds) of times. You're on an airplane. You're bored. You pick up the 'in flight' magazine. You go to the skymall section where, some of the neatest products in the world are featured. Great products. Great photos. Great copy.

Look, here's a Swiss Army knife that is also a cell phone and a compass! Damn, you've been waiting for something like this for years. You rip out the page, stuff it in your briefcase and decide to buy it as soon as you get home or to your hotel.

Looky here! A watch that tells you the day, date and time in three time zones... plus... it tells you when your girlfriend is ovulating which means she will be at her peak of horniness! Talk about a "must-have!"

You rip out that page also.

Lordy! Here's a shaving mirror you can use in the shower! Gotta have that... so... you rip out that page too.

Holy shit! Look at this: It's the Ipen. It's little more than 5½ inches long and is the world's first combination ballpoint, view finder digital camera, a web cam and a stylus for your PDA. Discreet buttons (which translates to impossible to see) let you seek a specific function. The built-in 8MB memory can hold up to 400 images or connect directly to a USB interface to use as a PC web camera!

All For Only $149.00!

Think I’m kidding? See page 19 of your free copy of the Summer SKYMALL magazine.

You rip that page out and, before you’re finished 7 more pages containing stuff you just can’t resist. The plane finally lands. It’s a routine flight so you are only 5½ hours late. You fight your way through the airport and go to the rent-a-car counter. After 32,718 questions, they give you the keys to a sardine can on wheels and you’re on your way. 7½ hours later you find you find your rental car and drive around for 3 hours until you find your hotel which, of course, was only ½ mile from the airport.

You check in. You’re a non-smoker but, they mistakenly give you a room for smokers. You change rooms. But, the second room is not made up yet. You sit in the lobby for 2½ hours watch CNN vomit out the same news stories every 15 minutes.

Finally your room is ready. You carry your stuff upstairs and discover your plastic electronic key doesn’t work. You trundle back down to the front desk and they apologize and re-mooglacize your key for you. You go back upstairs and this time, your key works.

You, being the anal-retentive guy you are, hang up all your clothes that are hangable, put the rest in drawers and neatly arrange your personal grooming stuff in the bathroom.

You call home. You tell your honey it was a routine trip. She tells you the water heater has broken, flooded the basement and the water is only 1½ feet away from your living room floor. The plumber is on his way over, but he wants $350 an hour for having to make a call at 1:30 a.m.. Your son, Josh came home with a nose ring and a tattoo that says “Hockey Players Don’t Have Balls!”

And, oh yeah. Your boss needs that inventory report by 8:00 a.m. Instead of noon…which means…you won’t get any sleep tonite.

You talk to your boss the next day and he has scheduled 7 extra appointments for you.

All of which translates to this: Since you got off that plane, 110,000 things have captured your attention…and…those pages you tore out of the SKYMALL magazine are forgotten and eventually crumpled and tossed into the “round file”…because…

You Don’t Have Enough Time
To Even Get For Yourself
The Stuff You Really Want!

Delay is the death of a sale. When a person has a “buying urge” the “shelf life” of that urge is about all of about 15 or 20 seconds at most. If they can order by phone and there is a phone handy, chances are good you’ll get the sale.

If not, the chances of you NOT getting the sales are almost 100%!

People don’t like to give up their credit card info over the internet either. Even if they are assured their info is encrypted so thoroughly the NSA couldn’t figure it out.

They will give out their cc info over telephone or on an order coupon. Why? Who knows.

Another thing: Computers are totally 100% unforgiving. You gotta type your ordering info at least three times and, if you hit ONE wrong key, you get an impersonal “ERROR” message and you have to do it all over. Scott Haines desperately wanted a $150.00 piece of software. He tried his heart out to order it online but, after 7 error messages, he gave up and ordered a similar piece of software from somewhere else. Know this:

Every A/B Split Test Has Proven That Only
Offering One Option For Ordering Has
Been More Profitable Than
Offering Multiple Options!

And, by far, the option that makes the most money is phone only. That’s it…

Phone Only!

Ok, we’ve covered #1 (the product) and #2 (the sales pitch) so, it’s time to move on to #3 (the “delivery system.”)

Let’s be clear. When I talk about a “delivery system”, I’m talking about a delivery system for your sales pitch!

Examples of delivery systems for sales pitches are direct mail, newspapers, magazines, match book covers, face-to-face conversations, telephone conversations, radio, television, skywriting…and …of course…the weakest delivery system of all which is …

The Internet!

Why is the Internet the weakest delivery system for a sales pitch? Simply because, all you have to do to ignore an Internet sales pitch is to click “delete”. The Internet is the least effective delivery system but, it is also the most efficient.

Let me explain to you the differences between efficient and effective.

Efficient is paddling a canoe up or down a river with a perfect J-stroke. That means with the absolute least energy expenditure, you get the most forward movement of the canoe.

Effectiveness is paddling the canoe the right way (upstream or downstream) on the right river. Let’s say you want to go to the river town of Marietta, Ohio. You’ve been paddling efficiently for three days upstream the Mississippi River. The only problem is…

Marietta, Ohio Is Located
On The Ohio River!

Doesn’t matter how “efficient” you are. What you are doing is efficiently NOT going toward your goal.

However, let’s say you start paddling your canoe upstream from Parkersberg, W.V.A. (where I was born in case anybody cares) and you clumsily (and very inefficiently) paddle your craft about 30 miles upstream which happens to be North.

Guess where you will end up. Hey you got it right, soon (maybe in a few days if you are a really lousy canoe paddler) you will arrive at Marietta, Ohio which used to have the biggest oak tree in the U.S. I wonder if it still does? Probably not, chances are someone has chain-sawed it down and replaced it with a parking lot, a strip mall or a convenience store.

But dammit, no matter how inefficiently you did it…

You Got There!

And those other guys? The ones canoeing super efficiently up the Mississippi. They can be as efficient as humanly possible but, they will NEVER get to Marrieta, Ohio.

Let’s say you email 10 million people using the Internet. Say your selling a pill that will enlarge a man’s penis. You know how many sales you will get? You’ll be lucky if you get even three. But hey, since emailing three million people costs almost nothing (just for the sake of argument, let’s pretend it did cost ABSOLUTEY NOTHING… well then…let’s say you make 60 dollars profit on every bottle of “penis pills” you sell, since you sold 3 bottles (very efficiently)…

You Made $180.00

Hot damn! This is exciting, ain’t it?

Now, let’s switch to direct mail. We can’t mail all 10 million at the same time because it costs (roughly) .70 cents to mail a sales letter in the U.S. and, to mail 10 million letters, it would cost $700,000, right?


See, here’s what you do? You start with a mailing of 1000 letters which cost you $700.00…and …let’s say you get a 2% response. By the way, that’s very realistic if you select your mailing lists carefully.

Anyway, a 2% response is 20 orders per thousand letters mailed. And since your net profit is $60.00 per bottle, that’s $1,200. So, you take that entire $1,200 and use it to mail more letters. Which yields another 2% response or 32 orders…which equals…$1,920 dollars in net profit…which …you use to mail out even more letters which brings in another 2% or $2,400 in profit which you use to mail about more and more letters which brings in $5,400 in profit which you use to mail more, more and more letters and the profit those letters bring in is used to mail…

Aw hell, you get the idea don’t you?

Doing it like this will take about four months instead of the seven seconds it took you to do it by email. But, there is a slight difference. Your 10 million emails fetched you $180.00 in net profit but, your 10 million direct mail letters made a profit of …


All with a start-up cost of $700.00

Are you beginning to see the difference between being effective and being efficient?

But, can the Internet be made more effective? You bet it can! At least 1,000 times more effective…and…that’s what folks who attend my October seminar are going to learn.

Hope you are there.

   Gary C. Halbert
"Luddite Personified"


All of this message was written with a ball point pen on a yellow legal pad.

Can’t get much more inefficient than that, can you?



* LMS - Lesser Mortal Shit

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