North of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

A lot of people (an ungodly amount of them!) seem to be fascinated with me, my work and, the way I lead my life.

I am not.

That's not false modesty either. It seems to me I am a rather ordinary individual. I live an interesting (but not intensely interesting) life. I just happen to have the ability to write extraordinarily effective advertising... and... a more or less "tell-it-like-it-is" newsletter.

Even so, it seems many people have a tendency to "deify" me. A few others seem to consider it proper to "villanize" me. In truth, neither am I especially god-like, nor am I worthy of serious "villanization" like Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden or almost every American politician or televangelist.

But, people are curious about me and so I thought I would use this issue of my newsletter to...

De-Mystify A Few Details About Myself!

Let's start with my screen name. As you can see in the letterhead, it is The reason this is my screen name is really quite simple. When I got my first computer, I was having a steamy affair with an extremely sexy woman who was a Practice Management Consultant to dentists. Her name was Sally and she, through her evil machinations, was able to keep me in an almost continuous state of hyper sexual excitation. Then, of course, at the peak of this pleasurable relationship, she dumped me like I was nothing more than one of the millions of disposable Dixie Cups that litter American highways.

When setting up my e-mail account, AOL asked me to type in what I wanted for my screen name. I typed in a name I thought nobody but myself would have. To my amazement, AOL said that name was taken. So, I typed in a different screen name. AOL said that name was taken too. I kept trying different screen names and AOL kept telling me each of those names were taken.

Then, the thought crossed my mind (as it did approximately every 45 seconds) that I wouldn't be having sex with Sally ever again. So, just for the hell of it, I typed in "NoSexGary". And guess what? AOL accepted it! I've kept it ever since and nobody ever forgets it.

Incidentally, my fiancée thinks I should change my screen name to "YesSexGary". She thinks the screen name "NoSexGary" might lead someone to think she isn't properly taking care of me. Which, of course, would be an unforgivable sin for a Costa Rican woman.

Moving on...

Have you noticed I always identify my location as South, North, East or West of "Jewfish Creek"? That's because I measure wherever I am in life (geographically) in relation to how far away I am from Jewfish Creek.

And what or where is "Jewfish Creek"?

There's an 18-mile stretch of U.S. Highway 1 which runs east and   west from Florida's mainland peninsula to Key Largo. Key Largo is the northernmost piece of land which starts off the chain of islands called "The Florida Keys". Underneath this 18-mile stretch of highway is a one-mile long saltwater "creek". There's a drawbridge over this water so large boats can get through and continue the 120-mile journey down to Key West.

Now for a bit of science: There's a voracious grouper which grows to more than six feet long and its scientific name is "Epinephelus Itajara". It's a lurking bottom-feeder and is so sluggish, countless divers have posed for undersea snapshots with it. The common name for this creature is "Jewfish".

Since they are sometimes found in the geographic area we are discussing, someone decided (years ago) to name that one-mile long saltwater creek "Jewfish Creek".

People in the Keys think of the 18-mile stretch of road that runs over Jewfish Creek as the "Southern Mason Dixon Line". You see, generally speaking, people who live south of Jewfish Creek are drunks, dope fiends, millionaires, iconoclasts, and laid-back tolerant folks who don't give a shit about anything.

Generally speaking, the people who live north of Jewfish Creek are hyper-active, over-caffeinated, dysfunctional, Latino imbeciles who conduct their lives like a bunch of chickens who've had their heads cut off.

By the way, it turns out a Washington, D.C. area resident, Arcomcanold G. Conheim has objected to using the word "Jew" in any form other than a noun. He states when "Jew" is used otherwise, it is derogatory. This lunatic is actually part of a growing group who wants to change the name "Jewfish" to "Goliath Grouper".

I can tell you this: Whatever the politically-correct groups decide, those of us whose hearts and souls reside in the Florida Keys will always think of a Epinephelus Itajara as a Jewfish. This fish has been known as a Jewfish for centuries and, to the 80,000 residents of the Keys, it will ever be so.

Conheim also considers the name "Jewfish Creek" offensive illustrating he is one more example of political correctness gone haywire. What if it was named "Baptist Creek" or "Methodist Creek" or "Catholic Creek" or "Presbyterian Creek"? Do you think somebody would be all lathered up about those names? I don't think so either.

And just for the record, none of my Jewish friends have ever told me they were ashamed of being referred to as a Jew. Or, that they were offended by having something referred to as Jewish; such as a Jewish colony, a Jewish tradition, a Jewish meal or anything else.

Oh wait! Maybe I should re-think this! Maybe we should name it "Yasser Arafat Creek" or "Osama Bin Laden Creek" or "Adolph Hitler Creek" or (this would truly make me ill), "George Bush Creek". Whatever.

I intend to live out my life identifying my geographic location in relation to where it is from my beloved Jewfish Creek. And that's that.

People also seem to have a strange curiosity about where and how I live as well as the details of my everyday life. I'm not going to tell you everything about my life... because... that would cause me to be stoned and incarcerated. But, I've decided to reveal just enough to make me a tad less mysterious.

I live in a high-rise apartment building in Miami. The building is located just north of the Marriott and Grand Hotels on Biscayne Boulevard. My apartment has a wrap-around balcony which gives me breathtaking views of the Miami skyline, the Atlantic Ocean and the waters of Biscayne Bay.

Standing on my balcony, I can look directly down upon the newest (and perhaps the most well-designed) park in Miami.

My building also overlooks the Sealine Marina and I am able to see the two boats I keep there. One is a 27-foot Mako cabin cruiser with two 250HP outboard engines. It's called the "No Mercy" and I think of it as my "Bimini Boat." The other is a little 15-foot flats boat with a 40HP motor that I can automatically raise and lower so I can explore extremely shallow waters. I've named it the "Emma Rose" (after my granddaughter) and it almost stops me from needing a car.

With the "Emma Rose", I can shop for groceries, go to the movies, go to various restaurants, shop at Bayside Mall, explore the islands of Biscayne Bay, zip down to the Florida Keys in jiffy-quick time, and engage in dozens of other activities I find extremely pleasurable.

Back to the building I live in: It's got a fully-equipped gym, a huge pool, a dry cleaners, a night club that features some of the best rock and roll I've ever heard, pool tables and, extremely friendly people. There's also a convenience store which serves breakfast and sandwiches from 8 a.m. in the morning until 11 p.m. at night. And, (if you don't have a computer) also provides you with an Internet connection. Not that you should care but, this building also features...

The Highest Concentration Of
Drop-Dead Gorgeous Women
I've Ever Seen In My Life!

It's not a "fishing pool" for me. I am 100% committed and faithful to Sirian, my Costa Rican corazón (see her new website but, I do enjoy the "eye-candy."

My personal apartment is nice without being opulent. Two bedrooms, two baths, small kitchen area, washer and dryer, a good-sized living room with a tack-sharp 60-inch tube (not projection) TV.

In short, I live well. Not like a king or Donald Trump... but... my living conditions don't leave much for me to bitch about.

I also have another apartment in this building. It's a large, cheerful studio, with a queen bed, a view of the bay, a "killer" TV (but smaller than mine), a full-sized desk, two telephone lines, plenty of closet space and everything else anyone could want in order to spend a pleasant few days here. I keep it vacant for people who want to visit me.

Forging ahead...

I also get all kinds of questions and comments like: "Aren't you selling anything on your website?" "What's your hidden motive?" "I would like to buy anything you have for sale." "Can I pay you to work for me?" "God bless you for the work you are sharing with the world." And one of the most common questions I get over and over and over is...

"How Can I Become A
Client Of Yours?"

I haven't been taking clients for a few years. But, a short time ago, I decided it's time for me to start taking a few clients again. My standard fee for working with a client is $15,000 up-front plus 5% of all the gross sales my advertising creates. I work with clients by telephone, fax, Federal Express, e-mail and sometimes, even the U.S. Postal Service.

If I listed my string of advertising successes and the names and particulars of all the people who have become multi-millionaires because of my advertising, this newsletter would be at least 30-pages long.

Seventy-five million dollars for Robert Allen. Two or three hundred million dollars for Dennis Haslinger. Tens of millions for Tova and Ernest Borgnine. Diet promotions for people like Mark Kaplan which got so large and produced so much profit, he was mailing 125,000 First-Class letters every day of the week except Sunday.

I've written ads and letters to sell everything from ordinary diet pills to sophisticated financial newsletters to complex bio-technology breakthroughs, and everything in between.

Do I always charge $15,000 plus 5%? The answer is almost always "Yes". Here is why: Any time I choose, I can write to my own customer list (my newsletter is read in approximately 90 countries) and make much more than $15,000.

However, working for a client lets me have alternative streams of income I wouldn't have otherwise.

So the answer is, I don't always charge $15,000. Sometimes, if somebody just needs a little simple consulting, I'll do it for a few thousand dollars.

On the other hand, sometimes I charge much more than the standard $15,000. The very last client I worked for (I just finished the job) had to pay $50,000 up-front... plus... my 5% commission on sales. Would you like to know why that client picked me... and... why he paid a hefty $50,000 up-front fee?

I thought so.

As you know, I am often referred to as the best copywriter in the world. And, as you also know, I would be the last person to deny the truth of that claim.

But you know what's really true? After you reach a certain point in your ability to write copy, it becomes questionable as to whether one guy is a better "copywriter" than another. When you reach this point, what really makes you outstanding is how well you understand what I call...

"Social Engineering"

Here's an example of what I'm talking about: A woman who does T.V. infomercials accidentally included the following dialogue in the "call to action" part of her T.V. show,

"There's a huge demand for this product. So, if our lines are busy, please keep calling back. Believe me, this product is so fantastic, it will be worth whatever time and trouble you have to go through to place your order."

As it turned out, that verbiage dramatically increased her sales volume and now she uses it in all her T.V. infomercials. And now, I also use it often in my space ads or direct mail letters. That's one example of what I call "Social Engineering".

It's something most copywriters (even the best ones in the world) don't think about. On the other hand, when I create advertising, I find "Social Engineering" occupying about 90% of my thinking time on a project.

Stay with me here: You know the job I just finished where I got that $50,000 up-front fee? You want to know how long it took me to write the advertising? Approximately two hours. But guess what? I spent five entire weeks thinking about and figuring out exactly WHAT to write.

The client is selling a very sensitive feminine product. If the advertising wasn't done with just the right amount of finesse and taste (without losing its sales appeal) the advertising would have ended up offending everybody and selling nobody. After five weeks of pondering the project, I believe I was able to strike exactly the right cord needed to sell this product. I'll let you decide for yourself. Below is the ad:

How Even A Plain-Looking Woman
Can Make Herself 350% More Sexually
Attractive To Almost Any Man On Earth!

    If you would like to be a woman that nearly all men... just can't resist, this is going to be the most important message you will ever read.

    Here is why:

    Let's face it... almost any woman can get a man to have sex with her.  You don't have to be pretty.  You don't have to be sexy.  You don't have to have a great body.  Basically, you just have to be a woman who will say "yes" and thousands of men will have sex with you.


    But, what if you want that same man to call you for another date?  Well, that might NOT be so easy.  But, what if there was a way to make sure... almost every man... wanted to go out with you again?

    Better yet, what if there was a way to make having sex with you... so fantastic...... the man you are interested in... couldn't even think about another woman?  What if there was a way to make having sex with you... so good... a man would do anything... even marry you... to keep you in his bed?

    Well, guess what?  Now there is a little-known way you can turn almost any man into your 100% sex slave...

No Matter How You Look...
How Old You Are... Or Even...
How Much You Weigh!

    Don't laugh.  It's really true and, to prove it, I'm going to tell you a story.  This story starts in Asia about 2,000 years ago.  Back then, there was no such thing as women's rights.  The only power a woman really had (to get what she wanted) was the power to attract and keep a man.  And unfortunately, back then, just like it is today...

Most Men Are Sexually Attracted To Very Young Women!

    Why is this?  To answer that question, I have no choice except to tell you something no one wants to talk about publicly.  Even most doctors won't tell you this but, the truth is... young women are most likely to be extremely tight!

Maybe you don't like that.  Maybe it's unfair.  But the truth 

 is the truth.  These young women haven't yet been "loosened up" by age, childbirth, hundreds of sexual experiences or anything else that causes them to lose what some people call that "honeymoon fit".

    Why is this so important?  The answers are easy.  A woman with a very tight vagina increases a man's ego by making him feel he has a much larger than average penis.  (And, almost all men secretly worry about the size of their penis.)

    A tight vagina makes a man feel every inch of his penetration.  It stimulates every single nerve ending in his genital area.  It literally causes a flood of sexual energy and ecstasy all over his body.

  Once a man has had sex with a woman with a truly tight vagina... all he will be able to think about... is having sex with that same woman again.

    But,  most women eventually lose their "teenage" tightness.  Nature take its toll on everyone.  However, a certain (very small) group of very clever women... over 2,000 years ago... discovered...

How To Reverse Vagina Aging!

    And these women became the most powerful on earth.  They married the richest and the most powerful men.  If their husband was a king, it was the woman who controlled  the king.  You see, a woman who is old enough to know how to give a man extremely good sex plus has a tight, moist, young-looking vagina, has an enormous advantage over every other woman.

    It doesn't matter how beautiful the other woman is.  It doesn't matter how sexy her body is.  It doesn't matter if she has big or small breasts.  It doesn't matter how interesting she is or if she has a high I.Q.  The truth is, a woman with a young, tight, "velvet glove" vagina will get the man every time.

    What did these special women discover 2,000 years ago?  It was a cream.  A cream which has been a closely guarded secret for all those years.

What this cream does is:

t   It  tightens  the  vagina  and the muscles in the surrounding area!

t   It increases a woman's sexual desire!

t   It slows the menopausal process!

t   It totally eliminates the need for vagina tightening surgery which is the fastest growing (and one of the most expensive) medical procedures being asked for by women today!

t   It restores the natural elasticity of the vagina!

t   It dramatically increases the intensity, frequency and quality of a woman's orgasms!

t   It maintains natural color and a "teenage" appearance!

t   It acts as a lubricant with a fresh, clean scent!

    This product is called "Virgin" and it is based on a secret herbal formula that is 100% safe and natural.  The main ingredient is Aleppo Oak Gall (AOG) that has been treated with a secret process.  It has been used for centuries by the most powerful, the most successful and the most highly-desired women in Asia.

    And, now a Malaysian biotech company owns the rights to this secret formula and is selling it to the women of the world with...

A Full One -Year
Money Back Guarantee!

     If you are unhappy with this product for any reason, just send back the empty product container (any time within the next 12 months) and get a full and immediate refund with no questions asked.  This product works!

    It is easy to order and it only costs $59.95 plus $4.00 shipping and handling.  All you have to do is use any of your credit cards and call the 800# below and tell the operator you want to order Product #97.  (By the way, none of the operators will be aware of the type of product you are ordering.)

    You can call anytime 24-hours a day, 7-days a week.  Just give the operator your name, address and credit card information and this amazing product will be shipped to you by Overnight Priority Mail in a plain, unmarked package.


In my conceited, self-aggrandizing opinion, I honestly believe there's no other copywriter in the world who could have written that ad. There are many good (and a few great) copywriters. But, there's only one true copywriting god. (And, of course, that's Yours Truly.)

By the way, I did an enormous amount of preparation before taking on this project. I believe it will make my client (already an international multi-millionaire) a profit that will have to be expressed by a 9-digit number. We'll see, won't we?

Remember I told you earlier I work with clients by phone, fax, FedEx, e-mail, and USPS? What I didn't tell you is... my favorite way to work with clients is... in person!

And now that I've decided to take on clients (a very few) again, if you want to work with me...

You Can Spend A Few Days 100% Free...
In That Vacant Studio Apartment
I Described Earlier!

If you decide to hire me and work with me in person, I will unplug my home phone, my cell phone, my fax, and even my computer. I will likewise ask you to turn off your cell phone, beeper, and PDA (if you happen to have one). That way, you and I will be able to work head-to-head, shoulder-to-shoulder on NOTHING but your marketing project.

If this appeals to you (and you really can afford to pay my $15,000 up-front fee) you are welcome to call me at my home telephone number which is (786) 924-3918. And, if you are interested, you need to call right away because... whenever I start accepting clients... I get fully booked up... in the blink of an eye!

Do me a favor: Please do not call me unless you're serious and can honest-to-God afford to pay my $15,000 up-front fee. Do not call me if you just want to pick my brain and get some free marketing ideas. All that will do is piss me off and cause me to call my friend, Guido in New Jersey to have you whacked. That will make me sad... because... in an effort to upgrade my image, I'm trying to avoid having to continue to take such extreme measures.


   Gary C. Halbert

P.S. There is no such thing as a "bargain copywriter". If a copywriter
is really good, he can sell himself so well he can end up working
26-hours a day, 9-days a week.

I don't want to do that. Believe it or not, as much as I love marketing, I'd really rather be playing around with my bonita, 
caliente Costa Rican sweetheart than busting my brain on some 
marketing promotion.


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