South of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

Well, here it is Memorial Day and Clinton has us fighting a war in a country none of us ever heard of and for reasons none of us can understand.

Damn! I wish there was some way we could get Monica back on the job!

Whatever. Anyway, let us devote this issue to you making a lot of money... and... making it fast! You know usually, when someone asks me what they should do to make a lot of money, I tell them to do something... they love doing... and, the money will follow. I still think that's the best advice... but... right now... I think you should concentrate very hard on making a lot of money very fast... and...

You Should Do It
Any Way You Can!

Why? What's the urgency here? It's that Y2K thing. I'm telling you: Y2K is not going to be just another "bump-in-the-road." It is going to be majorly disruptive to the world economy and it's going to scare the living shit out of millions and millions of people. So, here's something you need to memorize. Let's call it Halbert Maxim #873:

It Is Hard To Get
People To Spend Money
When They Are Scared Shitless!

Picture this: A guy works for Xerox. Sales are down dramatically because Brazilians (Brazil is Xerox's second biggest market) and other big Xerox customers are spending so much time, money and energy trying to deal with their Y2K problems, they aren't buying any copy machines and Xerox's profits are in the crapper. What does Xerox do? Well, first off, they cut way back on their work force... and... our guy loses his job. He now joins the ranks of the "scared shitless."

He doesn't spend money like he used to. Maybe he was about to buy a new Ford pickup but, he now decides to wait. He wants to feel more secure about the future before he parts with any more of his fungolas than absolutely necessary.

And guess what? Since there are so many people in the same boat he's in, they also decide not to buy that Ford pickup or whatever else they were yearning for. So, now Ford ain't selling many trucks and cars and their sales and profits go in the toilet. They also decide to cut back on their work force and thousands and thousands more people lose their jobs... and... they too join the ranks of the...

"Scared Shitless!"

They stop spending too. This puts more companies in hot water who also have to cut back on their work force, who in turn curtail their spending, which in turn causes more people to lose their jobs. The cycle accelerates and... the phenomania of being "scared shitless" spreads like wildfire!

It is going to happen. And, it's gonna happen real, real soon.

So, I ask myself, "Self, what is the very best way for my subscribers to make a lot of money really, really fast... without too much risk... without too much investment?"

Can you guess the answer? It's the same answer that was true 50 years ago. Or 30 years ago. Or 10 years ago. Or 1 month ago. This answer will still be true next month, next year... and... throughout much of the next century! What I'm talking about, of course, is...

Direct Mail

Are you serious about making huge wads of money and making it fast? If so, forget TV infomercials, forget magazine ads, forget newspapers, forget the Internet... forget everything... but... direct mail. Listen to me Fishface: What is the most essential ingredient you must have to make a ton of moola? The answer is... dum da da dum dum...

A Reachable Pool Of
People Who Are Starving
To Spend Their Money
On Some Particular Thing!

Here is the very most important thing you can do (must do) if you want to make a direct mail fortune. If you won't do what I'm about to suggest, stop reading this letter right now, go to the 'fridge and get yourself a cold one and sit your sorry fat ass back down in front of the tube and click on "Baywatch." Best you enjoy your life now because, I predict you too, will soon be among the ever growing number of the... scared shitless!

What's that? You say you don't want to be one of the scared shitless? You say you don't have a sorry fat ass and you're sick of "Baywatch"?

Alrightythen! You be my main man and here's what you do first: You whip out your credit card and dial (847) 375-5000. This will get you through to the corporate headquarters of "Standard Rate and Data Service" (SRDS)... and... when you get them on the phone, tell 'em you want to subscribe to their SRDS Mailing List Catalog. It's updated bi-monthly and it's gonna set you back nearly $500.00.

Just do it. Bite the bullet and spend the money. There's no alternative. Do it, you silly little freak.

With me? Good! Now, what you will soon receive in the mail (and you'll get a new one every  other month) is a big, thick book that describes almost every mailing list on the market. It'll tell you the size of the list, the source of the list, a description of the list, how much the unit of sale was people on the list spent, what they spent it on and how long ago they spent it.

What I want you to do, as soon as you get the book, is take 10 or 20 hours out of your life and start reading those thousands of list descriptions.

You Will Be Amazed!

As you read the descriptions, do the math. Multiply the number of people on the list by the average unit of sale. Right now, I'm reading the masterfile list description of a company called "Select Information Exchange." Here is the description of that list:

"This is a file of individuals with an avid interest in financial topics and investment information. They have purchased (more than half via credit cards) newsletters and/or financial service products from SIE (Select Information Exchange) -- the nation's leading financial subscription agency for over thirty years.

"This proven file has been used by a multiplicity of different types of mailers with a 50% 'continuation' record. Included are banks, insurance firms, gold and silver coin companies, commodity trading firms, stock & discount brokerage firms, tax shelters, oil & gas, business, financial and investment advisory publications, collectibles, fundraisers, catalogers and credit card issues - and others.

"Space ads appear in a variety of media (i.e., Money Magazine, Barrons, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Investors Business Daily, Financial World, Personal Investor, Better Investing). Regarding libraries, this list has the name of the acquisitions manager (the individual in charge of book purchasing)."

Let's see now. This masterfile has 2,495,000 names on it and the average unit of sale is $375.00. Lemme drag out my trusty calculator and see what that comes out to. Let's see... that's 375 x 2,495,000 which comes to uh... wait a minute... can that be right? Lemme check that again. By golly it is right! This is a list of folks who are extremely passionate about investing... and... have demonstrated that passion by spending... uh...

Over 935 Million Dollars!

And looky here! We can select them out by all sorts of ways. The men from the women. The Canadians from the Americans. The stock buyers from the options buyers from the bond buyers, the oil stock investors, the traders who buy low-priced stocks and so on. Hey, and guess what else? We can even select by what ethnic group we want. If we don't won't them all, we can say we only want the Chinese people on the list. Or the French. Or the Germans. Or Irish, Italian, Japanese, Jewish, Korean, Spanish, Greek, Polish, Scottish, English, Russian, Arabic, American and slant-eyed dwarfs. (Oh wait! I'm sorry. The slant-eyed dwarfs are on a different list.)

Amongst the thousands of mailing lists you are going to be reading about are people who bought cookbooks, people who bought model cars, sewing supplies, gourmet food, etc., etc. But, what I want you to be looking for are big lists of what I call "PWM's" which stands for...

Players With Money!

Why? Simply because (if you are offering something they want) they are the easiest and most profitable people to sell to. Also, they are the least likely to be among the scared shitless when the crunch comes. Not only do you want Players With Money, you want PWM's who have what I call a "high passion index" about something.

Like golfers.

As a general rule, golfers have above average income and, a certain percentage of them will spend literally any amount of money to take strokes off their game. Hark unto me: As you know, my friend Joe Polish has something he calls the "SuperStar Audio Tape Series" where each month he interviews some clever person on some aspect of marketing. Well, one of his most recent interviews was with a guy named Jeff Paul... and... you've got to have the tape and transcript of this interview. I think it'll set you back $14.95 or something like that and you can order it by calling (602) 858-0008. Once again, don't fight me on this. Just do it. I'm trying to save your cookies here and you're going to piss me off if you don't do as I say.

Which reminds me... I always tell women I think a man should only ask for one thing from a woman... and... if he gets that, he shouldn't ask for anything else whatsoever. When they ask me what that one thing is, I am able to explain it in one word...


It's odd how many women disagree with me on this. But really, that's truly all I want from a woman, all I want from the world... and now... it's all I want from you!

Back to the real world. Let me tell you about Jeff Paul. A little more than a decade ago, he was a Certified Financial Planner. He was part of a small team that offered advice and seminars on stuff like estate planning, living trusts and all sorts of other financial wisdom. The only problem he and his team had was, they couldn't get clients. So, Jeff started studying direct marketing. He put what he learned to work... and... he turned around a practice that was doing $5,000 to $10,000 a month into a practice that was doing up to... $150,000 per month. It worked so well, his partners naturally decided to abandon these crass "National Enquirer" techniques... and... they elected to go back to using the dumb-ass, stale, conventional marketing techniques they were more comfy with.

So, Jeff quit.

He decided to dump his financial planning career altogether and go full time into direct marketing. After a year and a half, he had managed to lose everything he had. He lost his house, he was $100,000 in debt on his credit cards, had no job, no income and no prospects. Jeff and his wife Peggy and their three kids ended up in his sister-in-law's basement living on a couch.

Then he made a little discovery.

As soon as he started to use this discovery, his business went from a measly $1,000 per month to $13,000. The second month he went to $26,000. The third month was $49,000. Now, he has a two million dollar a year business he runs from a 400 square foot office upstairs over his garage.

What did he discover? He discovered the only thing that matters is your market. He discovered it's the market that is the whole deal. He says, (and he's right) "You have to have people who are hungry, people who are irrational, and I mean literally irrational, that are passionate, that have money, and they're willing to spend the money. They have to have a dire sense of urgency, even desperation about something... and... they have to be reachable!"


Then he says, "You have to find out what they want and give it to them." He says if you do this, "You don't have to fight. There's no battles. No challenges. There's no mountains and obstacles to overcome. You've made it easy, you've stacked all the deck in your favor."

Amen, again!

Jeff has sold to various markets over the years. But guess who he's selling to now?


Just what is he selling them? A set of golf clubs that will help them achieve a lower score. Just how much are his golf clubs?

$6,000 Per Set!

How does he sell them? With a long copy, direct mail sales letter. That's right... no pictures... no brochures... no nothing except copy.

As he points out, you couldn't do this with a rational market. Golfers are irrational. They'll play in the rain, the snow, they'll buy books, take lessons and, in general, I bet they would jump through hoops of fire if they thought it would take strokes off their game.

So, what you do first is, you get that SRDS mailing list book and read all those mailing list descriptions... and... you find yourself a moneyed group of people who are nutso enough about something to spend irrational amounts of money on whatever it is.

What next? You find or create a very expensive product for these people. Listen, since I can already hear you bitchin' about, "But gee, Gary, I don't know how to do that," I am going to figure it out for you. What you are going to sell them is information. If they want to trade commodities, you are going to provide them with very expensive info on how to profitably trade commodities. If they are horny, lonely, affluent males, you are going to offer them expensive info on how to get women. If they are golfers, you're going to sell them expensive info on how to play better golf.

Let's do golfers. What's the expensive info you are going to offer them? Simple. You're going to offer them a high-priced seminar.

But let's say you know nothing about golf. What you do is, you find yourself a personal golf pro (or maybe 5 or 6 golf pros) and you have them give the seminar. You advertise this seminar in "Investor's Business Daily"... and... you play up the fact the seminar is so expensive. Perhaps your headline will read something like this:

Florida Pro Gives
Most Expensive Seminar In
The History Of Golf!

Maybe your lead-in headline (the smaller one above the main headline) could say:

Would You Be Willing To
Pay $15,000 To Improve
Your Golf Game?

Somewhere in the copy you inform the readers this is a once-in-a-lifetime seminar, it will never be repeated and only 15 students will be accepted. You make this a one column by seven inch ad and it will cost you about 700 smackers. You tell them in the ad to call your recorded message on an 800 number you have set up with ATG Technologies. You arrange to do this by calling ATG at (800) 775-7790 and be sure to ask for Stacy Skinner.

Your recorded message is short, only a minute or two long. It reaffirms how unique this seminar is going to be and tells them to leave their name and address so you can send them full details about the seminar.

Then, of course, you send them a long copy, well-written sales letter that entices at least 15 of them to come to your seminar. Then, you collect $15,000 from each of them and put on your seminar.

Is this how you make your money? Not at all. This is how...

You Create Your Product!

See, you video and audio tape the seminar and create a written transcript of every word on those tapes. Then you get yourself a good list of golf lunatics... and... you offer this instructional package by sending out direct mail sales letters. You offer your readers a bargain. You offer the seminar tape package at only half ($7,500) of what the live attendees had to pay.

Let's do some math. Say it cost you about $300.00 (that's very high) to put together a first-class video and audio tape package. Let's say it costs you $600.00 to mail a thousand sales letters to 1,000 golfers. OK, since you make a gross of $7,200 on every sale, that means...

You Only Have To Get
One Sale For Every 12,000
Letters You Mail!

Neat formula, huh? Actually, it's a great formula. But now, I'm gonna give you a magic secret that's going to skyrocket the profits of this formula. Look, when you hear Jeff Paul talking about the golf clubs he sells, you'll hear him telling how his golf clubs really are the best in the world.

And you know what? I bet they are.

And that's important. It's also important your golf seminar (or whatever other seminar you put on) be absolutely first-class... because you're going to sell them in a unique way. Somewhere, near the end of your sales letter, you're going to have copy that says something like this:

"Listen, I know it's hard to believe the tapes a golf seminar could be worth $7,500. So how can I convince you of this? I've thought about this a lot and this is what I've come up with. I'm only  going to accept payment for these videos, audios and transcript of the seminar by check. And, I'm going to insist you post-date your check a full 30-days ahead. That way, you'll have over four weeks to watch the tapes and put those techniques to work every time you go out to play a round of golf. Then, if everything I say about these seminar tapes is not true, I will be happy to send back your uncashed check... or... you can simply stop payment on it. I've decided to do this because these tapes really are incredible and, I know you're going to love hem!"

But wait. Won't this increase your refunds? Yep, it will. It will probably triple them.

But, this technique will also triple your sales!

Let's do some more math: Let's say you are averaging about three sales for every 1,000 letters you mail and you have a refund rate of 10%. OK, you mail 10,000 letters which fetch you 30 orders. That's 30 times $7,500 or $225,000. Your mailing will cost you about $6,000 which knocks your take down to $219,000. Also, you've got to shell out $300 apiece to create and mail out 30 tapes which costs you another $9,000 which knocks your take down to $210,000. Now, let's factor in your 10% refund rate. At 10%, you are going to issue a refund on 3 of those 30 sales. That's $7,500 times 3 or $22,500 which knocks your take all the way down to $187,500.

Not bad, hey? But now let's do it with the post-dated check technique. So now, by tripling sales, you sell 90 sets of tapes instead of 30. But, as I said, your refund rate will triple also and thus your refund rate will jump to 30%. That means you'll have to issue a refund to 27 of those 90 sales. Which leaves you with a net of 63 sales. 63 times $7,500 is $472,500. Your mailout will still cost you the same $6,000 and that knocks your take down to $466,500. And, this time, you had to send out 90 sets of tapes at $300 apiece which comes to $27,000. Subtract that and all you've got left is $439,500.

Without using the post-dated technique, your profits were $187,500.

With the post-dated check technique, your profits jump up to $439,500.

That's A Profit
Increase Of 234%!

Will this technique work? Do it right and you bet your ass it will. Can you do something like this? It depends on your mindset. If you think you can do it, it will turn out you are right. If you think you can't do it, it will also turn out you are right.

Well, there you have it. As complete and detailed of a wealth-building formula as you will ever find in any newsletter. Will you do anything with this info? I don't know. It'll take time, energy, a little money... and... balls!

You got any?


   Gary C. Halbert
"Master of Subtlety"


P.S. Damn it, I'm not getting enough "bitch" letters. Isn't there something about this issue that offends you? If so, please write me a detailed letter and tell me all about it.

Trust me, I promise to give your letter the attention it deserves.

P.S.#2 There's a guy in England named Stuart Goldsmith who writes an incredibly good newsletter. His political slant is slightly to the right of Attila the Hun but, some of his issues are priceless. There's one he wrote recently on goals which can transform your life. Whatever you do, call him and at least buy that one issue. His number is 011-44-1-189-461-246. His fax is 011-44-1-189-462-505. His e-mail is His web page is

Peace. And, don't forget...

Be Nice To The "Scared Shitless"!


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Copyright 2003 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.