North of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

I intended to write this newsletter and mail it to you about two weeks ago.

The reason I'm not writing it until now is, so many things have been changing and, changing for the better. I kept getting more and more info I wanted to include. But, I can't wait any longer. Sometimes, you can have too many good developments in your life that, even one more good development is not welcome because you've got too much on your plate already.

Too much is too much no matter what. Sometimes, having a zillion good options leaves you immobilized rather than energized because, you get to thinking maybe the option you've chosen is absolutely fantastic but, the other one sitting over in the corner might even be better... so... frozen with indecision... you end up making the worst choice of all... which is, of course... no choice.

To hell with it. I'm just going to start writing.

First, for years a substantial percentage of my subscribers have wanted to know how to make money with a personal computer. So, what I'm going to start out with here today is to tell you exactly how to do that.

There are all kinds of formulas for effective marketing but, for decades, the most dependable has been a two-step formula that works like this: You run a little classified or display ad in a newspaper or magazine. Maybe it'll say something like this:


Free Report Reveals How To Make $5,000
Per Day By Reading The Classified Ads In
Your Local Newspaper!
This report is 100% free. All you have to do is write your name, address and the words "Free Report" on a piece of paper and send it to:

ABC Publishing
123 Elm Street
Massillon, OH  44646 


OK, this causes "x" number of people to send you a short letter to get your free info. Then, what you do is, send them a long letter (the free report) which gives them some info and gets them excited enough that they want more... which... they can get by the simple expedient of buying another report from you which gives them the real scoop.

There's dozens of variations of this formula. You can generate leads by radio and TV instead of printed media, you can generate leads now via the Internet (you shouldn't, just yet), your "sales letter" can be a free recorded message, a video tape or an audio tape. Maybe the people can call for the free info instead of write for it. Whatever.

But basically, it's all the same formula. Inexpensive lead-generating ads followed by long, intense, detailed sales presentations.

Let's do a little math: Say it costs you $100.00 to run your lead-generator ad. Say it works pretty well and you get 100 replies. Say it costs you about two bucks to capture each name, print, get all the lettershop work done and mail out your sales letters. Alrighty, now you've spent $300.00 so far. Let's say you are selling your report for $19.95 plus $3.00 shipping and handling and, after all fulfillment costs, you have a gross net of $15.00 per sale. From your 100 sales letters, you get five sales or, after fulfillment costs, $75. Deduct that from the 300 smackers you shelled out to buy the leads and mail your letters, you're in the hole $225.00.

Well, shit, that sucks, doesn't it?

Let's double the response from those 100 letters. Now, we've got 150 fungolas after fulfillment costs and we're only down $150. Still no good. Let's triple the response to where we are getting 15 orders from those 100 sales letters. At a net of $15 per order times our 15 orders, we've got after fulfillment $225 which, when subtracted from our inescapable $300 "get going" costs, we're still down $75.

Let's jack up our response once again. Now, we're getting 20 orders from our 100 sales letters. At $15 per order after fulfillment costs times 20 orders, we've got $300. Not counting our time, we are finally at break-even. Do you understand the significance of what you've just read? Don't be too sure. Maybe you've got it but, just in case you're a true dimwit like Brad Antin or someone like that, please let me make it perfectly clear...

We Are Still Not
Making Money Even
Though We Are Getting
A 20% Response!

Let's change things: Let's pretend, for a moment, it doesn't cost us anything to send our sales letters. We've still paid out $100 for the lead-generating ad. This time, however, since there isn't any cost for mailing our sales letters, when we get our 20% (20 orders) at a net gross of $15 per order, we've got $300 after fulfillment, and when we subtract the $100 we paid for the lead-generating ad, we've got $200 left as profit.

We would've also made a profit with a 15% response!

We would've also made a profit with a 10% response!

We would've also made a profit with a 7% response!

Now, if you really, really honestly want to make money on the Internet with all the bullshit taken out of it, here's what you do: (1) Run a good, cheap little lead-generating ad, and...

Run It In Print!

A newspaper. A magazine. Don't run it on the 'Net. You're not ready for that yet. You can make a lot of money getting leads from the 'Net but, don't try to do it until you're ready.

Next, you write and then type up the best sales letter you can. Then, you upload that letter to a website you have created for you. For the moment, stop thinking about a website as a website. Think of it as a letter. Make your website "Plain Jane." No graphics. No photos. No animation. Nothing that moves. Website "specialists" are like yellow-page ad "specialists." They are like people who design glossy brochures for your business printed in full-color so you will look "professional."

All Of That Detracts
From Sales!

Another little thing: Make your website/letter easy-to-read. That means high-contrast. Don't put blue words against a purple background. I am constantly amazed at how much money (zillions) is spent on advertising which is almost impossible to read. If you have a computer and, you haven't done it recently, go to my website Notice how easy it is to read? Black type on a yellow background is the easiest-to-read color combination you can use. Near the end of the site it says something about a "red-hot" little stock. Notice how "red-hot" is printed in red and how it stands out? It does so because I use color so sparingly. If you fly over a GM manufacturing plant and look down and see 10,000 red cars, you won't notice any one of them in particular. However, if 9,999 of those cars are white... and... only one of them is red...

You Will Notice That Car!

Now listen: The first time you try to use this formula, don't let any of your customers order any way except by phone. Use closing copy something like this:

    "Before you decide to buy this product, there is one more important thing about it you should know. This is something we don't publish on the Internet because we only want our customers to have this particular piece of little-known info. So, if you are interested, whip out your credit card and call us at (000) 000-0000 during normal working hours and we'll give you this extra little piece of critical info."

Is this the best way to sell stuff on the 'Net? No. Is it the best way for a beginner to sell something on the 'Net? Yes. If you've been using a computer for 20-years and, you are still not making money with it, you are a beginner.

Here's another idea for a lead-generating ad:


                Is This Fair?
Did you know people with a personal computer get much lower prices when they have their carpets cleaned than people who don't have a computer? The reason this is true is legal but, it is not fair. You can find out why (if you have a PC) by going to:


By the way, what I just wrote may or may not work. That doesn't matter. What does matter is you've just been given an idea which should "spark" your imagination.

We know lots of people will read this little ad and they'll go to your website and the first thing they see is a black headline electronically printed against a yellow background. It says:

The Amazing Reason People With Personal Computers Pay Less
To Get Their Carpets Cleaned Than People Without PC's In Their Homes!

Underneath that headline is a sales letter... that looks like a sales letter that explains using a website (properly) to get new customers lowers advertising costs which we here at Dumb Joe's Carpet Cleaning pass on to our customers, etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, and so on.

How much should it cost you to set up this website? About $160.00 if you do it yourself and about $300.00 if you have someone else do it.

Why should you only take orders by phone at the beginning? Because, probably, you don't know how to write a really good sales letter. Few people do. Just by talking to a hundred or so of your customers or prospects will, I guarantee you, make your next sales letter much more effective.

What about running your lead-generator in print instead of on the 'Net? Here's the reason: The leads you get from print are going to be of much higher quality than those you get from the 'Net... and... you're going to need the highest-quality leads possible until you can write really good sales letters. Plus, the thing which will bring you closer the fastest to having a big success is, have a little success first. No matter how little either. Just doing something that makes you a true $50 profit after all expenses makes you a Player. Maybe just an "embryo" Player... but... that doesn't matter. You'll be on your way. Think about it: You're six feet tall; where you that tall all your life? Of course not. When you were born, you weren't even two feet tall. But you had to be "born" before you could grow up, didn't you? That's what I'm trying to do with you here as far as selling via computer goes. All I'm trying to do (it's a lot) at this point is...

Get You Born!

What's that? You say you already know how to write or at least recognize a good sales letter? What horseshit. I bet you couldn't recognize a good sales letter if it fell out of the sky, landed on your face and riggled. In fact, I bet you don't even know what you get if you give Viagra to a porcupine.*

Here's a test: Joe Polish sent out a mailing to promote a seminar. Unlike most of Joe's promotions, this one, for whatever reason, didn't get him enough seminar attendees. He needed emergency help. He called me. I wrote the following letter and he sent it immediately to his entire list which has a sizable percentage of Halbert fans. Read it now:

Dear Friend,

As you can see, there is a $1.00 bill attached to the top of this letter.

Why? Well, my name is Gary Halbert and attaching a dollar bill to letters is a trick I've been using for years whenever I absolutely must get someone's attention.

Like now.

You may not know it but, in a way, you hold the key to how happy I'm going to be this summer.

Listen: as you probably know, Joe Polish and I have been best friends for several years. But, there is a lot of differences between us. For one thing: he's thirty and I just turned sixty.

But, you know what? In spite of that, I can still bench press more than him. I've got just as much energy as he does too. And personally, I think I'm actually sharper than him. In fact, to tell the truth, in spite of our 30-year age difference, there's only one area where he has an edge on me. And, now he doesn't even have that edge anymore. Why? I can tell you in one word:


So what's this got to do with you?

I'll be happy to explain. Look, you know Joe is a sharp guy... and... you know he has taught thousands of carpet cleaners how to make a ton of extra money. You know, he's a very sharp marketing guy.

But, sometimes, he gets to thinking he's better than he is. Sometimes, he actually thinks he's as good as me. We were having an argument last week and I got really pissed off so, I finally told him:

"If I wanted to, I could talk to any of your Piranha Members for just 45 minutes and, after that, they would know how to make more money in the carpet cleaning business than they could learn from you in ten years!"

"Prove it,"
he said.

"OK, I will,"
I told him, "only this time I'm not gonna do it for free. This time you're going to have to pay."

You see, because we are friends, I've never charged Joe for me speaking at one of his boot camps or letting him interview me or anything like that. But this time, it's going to be different... because... you know what you do if you suddenly find out you're an old man, you don't have a wife or girlfriend... and... God has just given you an endless supply of Viagra? I'll tell you what you do if you've got at least half a brain...

You Go To Rio!

That's what I'm gonna do and I'm going to sucker Joe into paying for my entire trip.

Here's the deal: I don't know if you are signed up for Joe's next boot camp or not but, you better be because here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be at the boot camp. I'm going on last. In other words, I'm going to be the last speaker. By that time, you will have heard everything Joe has to tell you. You'll have all the handouts and all the free goodies that come with the boot camp. You will have heard all the other speakers.

Then, I'm going to take the mike and I'm going to teach you a few things you've never heard before. I'm going to reveal money-making secrets Joe Polish has never dreamed about.

He doesn't even have a clue.

And, when I'm finished, if I have made good on all this bragging, there's only thing I want you and all the other boot camp attendees to do. I want you to stand up, applaud, stomp your feet and start chanting:

"Rio! Rio! Rio! Rio! Rio!"

And that's when Joe will know he has lost the bet and my trip to "Heaven For Elderly Men With Viagra" will be at his expense!

What if I fail? I won't... but... if I do... I will literally crawl out of the room on my hands and knees with my head bowed in shame and I will give Joe all the Viagra I've got left.

I'm serious. What I'm going to reveal at Joe's next boot camp will literally change your life.

Plus, I don't ever intend to reveal these secrets at any other boot camp.

So, if you're only going to attend one more seminar in your life...

It Better Be This One!


                                                                                              Gary Halbert

P.S.  If you absolutely, positively cannot make this boot camp, then be smart enough to call Joe's office and reserve a set of the boot camp tapes. You'd be crazy not to. By the way, his phone number is 800-275-2643.

How did that letter do? How many extra attendees did it get for Joe's seminar? Write your guess down right here and now.

My guess: _____________________


Now, read this next piece of writing also done by yours truly:


Stock Of Tiny Nasdaq Company Likely To Explode Upwards Because Of 
Just Released Story On CBS Evening News, Says GHLstockalert

Ocala, FL   July 17/PRNewswire - The following statement was released today by GHLstockalert:

"Guardian Technologies International, Inc. (Nasdaq: GRDN) has shown itself to be extremely sensitive to late-breaking news, largely ignored by most investors.

"However, for any investor paying attention, overlooked small-cap stocks like this represent opportunity for breathtaking profits whenever major media networks lavish attention on the very problems they solve.

"Guardian Technologies manufactures and distributes bullet-proof vests and other 'soft-armor' products to law enforcement agencies, private security firms, U.S. military organizations, and foreign defense forces. They possess three patents on body armor, and have the much sought-after contracts for providing products to the General Services Administration of the U.S. government, all police departments in the Washington Metropolitan Council of Governments, the Philippine Navy, and numerous other police departments and private firms and individuals worldwide.

"Despite being one of the tiniest companies on the Nasdaq, they are still high-profile because their chairman and CEO is Oliver North, who earned notoriety as President Reagan's aide in the 1980's and now commands a wide audience as the host of a controversial talk radio show aired nationally. Regardless of your opinion of North, he knows from his 22-year stint as a U.S. Marine what it's like to be under fire (he has two Purple Hearts), and what it takes to protect a man from a hail of bullets.

"Recent bursts of activity in this stock occurred when the 'Bulletproof Vest Partnership Act of 1998' was signed into law in June (providing $75 million for state and local law enforcement to purchase much-needed body armor), and when news of Guardian's astonishing 1998 first quarter revenue increase of 200% was announced in late May. However, two current late-breaking news stories are dramatically boosting the public's awareness of the need for even private citizens to secure protection against armed criminals: (1) The announcement of the Justice Department to appeal to the Supreme Court today to keep the Secret Service from testifying overheard conversations by the President, which Justice claims will increase the risk of assassination; and (2) Last night's broadcast of the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather, which focused on the astonishing availability of deadly semi-automatic machine pistols to high-risk young criminals; who are using them with deadly frequency against ordinary citizens.

"All this translates to increased demand for Guardian's unique product line as more and more private individuals with something to lose are suddenly realizing their own need for armor. The products provided by Guardian Technologies are not outrageously expensive, and are uniquely designed to withstand direct hits from rifles, automatic pistols, and even sub-machine guns. The patented technology allows these ultra-thin life-saving body armor 'shields' to be light and comfortable to wear under normal clothes without detection.

"With these cutting-edge government-approved products, coupled with North's high visibility and ability to reach millions with his radio show, GHLstockalert believes today's news and network attention to assassination and private citizen's vulnerability is going to force investors to pay attention to Guardian. This company's recent growth and acquisitions (most notably of N/S Microwave last month which has the contract to provide security monitoring for the Goodwill Games this summer) signal a new aggressiveness of this tiny company to take immediate advantage of media coverage."

Is there any reason not invest in Guardian Technologies? "Yes," says GHLstockalert, "this is a small, speculative, volatile company that is definitely not a safe haven for your 'nest egg' money. However, if you've got what it takes to shoot for the moon once in a while, Guardian Technologies (Nasdaq: GRDN) just might give you the most exhilarating ride of your life."

Source: GHLstockalert
Contact: Eve Kincaid, GHLstockalert, 305-534-7577


How did this one do? Did it get more people interested in Guardian's stock? How many more? Write your guess here:

My guess: _____________________


OK, the test is finished. Let's see how well you did.

What was your guess to #1, the "emergency" letter I wrote to help Joe Polish get more attendees? How many more attendees did it get him? Here's the answer:


Not one. Zip. Nada.

Do you know why? If you think you do, you're wrong. The reason is: You don't know. Neither do I. Remember: "Success has a thousand fathers but failure is an orphan."

It was a "killer" attempt. I knew when I wrote it I would hit an out-of-the-park-homerun... or... I'd strike out as completely as I do whenever I ask a pretty woman to have lunch with me.

Howzabout that release on Guardian Technologies? Did that one work? Yep. Sure did. The day before the release was issued, the stock traded 100 shares. On the day the release went out, the number of shares traded was...


I'm gonna brag a little. (Boy, that's a surprise, isn't it?) Anyway, here's my belief: Nobody in the world knows how to research stocks like I do. Dow Jones (who publishes the Wall Street Journal) has done three stories on me in just the last week. When the young lady reporter came to my apartment to interview me, at first I was inclined to brush her off. Then I changed my mind. After a bit of small talk I said, "You know what? I don't give a shit what you write about me. Come on over here and sit next to me at my computer and I'll show you how easy it is."

Then I told her, "First of all, this is the fastest computer in the world," (my modem speed is 1,600,000K) "and here's how I use it."

She was stunned. So would you be if you could sit next to me and watch me work.

   Gary C. Halbert


Question: Right now, I send this newsletter to you by first-class mail. Would you rather receive it by fax? If so, drop us a line with your fax number.

Or, would you rather get it by e-mail? A good idea if you have a printer. A bad idea if you don't. If you would like to get it by e-mail, drop us a line with your e-mail address.

A final thought: If you ain't going to my website and getting your silly ass signed up to be on my website mailing list, you are truly a dumb bunny.


* Don King

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Copyright 2003 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.