North of Jewfish Creek

Dear Friend & Subscriber,

If you are in direct marketing... and... you don't make a lot of extra profit because of the info in this newsletter... you... are too stupid to deserve to live!

Hey, can you tell I'm not sick any more? It's really very easy. On the rare occasions I am sick, I snivel and whine like you wouldn't believe. In fact, I'm so good at it, I believe...

I Deserve A Black Belt
In Self-Pity!

On the other hand (as you can see by the first sentence of this letter) when I'm not sick, I revert to my regular, prickish, asshole self.

So, that's who you've got now and, I'm going to pound some info into your little brain which will (for sure) make you a lot of money. Some of it will be hard-nosed common sense... and... later, I'm going to reveal to you what I believe to be a real, honest-to-God marketing breakthrough.

Let's begin by assuming you are a businessman... and... you are insane. A new bank comes to town and, after you learn all about this bank, you decide to do business with them. However, this bank is a bit different from other banks. The main differences are:

1. When you deposit money into this bank they... DO NOT... give you any type of receipt or deposit slip.
2. And secondly, they... DO NOT... keep any record of how much money you have deposited with them.
3. And, hey, I almost forgot: They also don't let you... EVER... withdraw... ANY... of the money you have deposited.

So, why would you choose to do business with such a bank? Like I said earlier, it's because you are basically insane.

Aw, but you couldn't be that nutso, could you? Shall we examine the way you do business and take a closer look?

A first-class postage stamp costs 37 these days, does it not? Well, I want you to start thinking of these stamps as 37 paper coins. Now, let's say you have a box with 100,000 of these paper coins inside. You decide you don't want to keep all that money laying around the office... so... you go get Pedro (your lowest-paid employee) and tell him to boogie on down to "The Bank For Insane People" and deposit all those paper coins.

By the way, those 100,000 paper coins valued at 37 each is worth a total of $37,000.

Anyway, Pedro trots down to the bank and deposits the 37 thou. The counter clerk smiles and says, "Thank you" and Pedro returns to your office. Now, actually, before Pedro got to the bank, he realized he was "jonesing for a joint." So, he opened the box, saw all those paper coins and realized nobody would know if he took enough of them to buy a few joints. So, Pedro reached his paw into the box and took out a fistful of those paper coins. Then, he had another thought: What he realized was, nobody would know if he took... A LOT... of those paper coins out of that box. So, he did.

Pedro gets back to your office and you ask him if he has deposited the paper coins into the bank. He answers 'yes,' and goes back to his minimum wage job of shoveling shit or whatever other minimal task you have assigned him to do.

But, a nagging thought keeps tugging at the corner of your alleged brain. You wonder if Pedro really did deposit... ALL... of that $37,000 worth of paper coins. So, you call the bank and ask them if he did. To which they reply:

"Sir, you must have forgotten you are now doing business with The Bank For Insane People and, we don't keep records of deposits."

So, you smile, forget the whole thing and go back to work.

Now, of course, you really aren't that stupid, are you?

No? Let's take a look at something else many of you really do.

Many of you mail 100,000 or more letters per week. More accurately, you have a lettershop do that for you. They print the pitch, assemble it, take it to the post office and then invoice you for the job.

Now, if they bought the postage to put on your letters, they'll invoice you for $37,000 in postage costs. Most likely though, you will have paid the lettershop up-front for the cost of postage.

Now, how do you know they put all that $37,000 worth of stamps on your letters and dropped it in the mail?

I Flat Out Guarantee
You, They Did NOT!

Even if the lettershop owner himself (or herself) is 100% honest, it is not the owner who takes the letters to the post office. No, it's one of his low-wage employees.

Guys who work on the loading docks of post offices have low-paying jobs that suck. Minimum-wage Pedro who works for you... or... his counterpart who works for the lettershop also has a job that sucks. Do you think these guys with their sucky lives have such high moral standards they wouldn't even think of ripping off a lot of your 37 paper coins?

Get real!

A true story: Not long ago, I participated in a little test. 10,000 diet names were rented from a list broker. Half (5,000) of those names were given to a lettershop with instructions to prepare the mailing and take it to the post office. Then, we prepared the other 5,000 letters and took them to the post office ourselves. The letters, envelopes and everything about the mailing were identical. The only difference was, who did the work. Guess what?

For Some Mysterious Reason
Our 5,000 Letters Pulled In
Three Times As Many Orders As The
5,000 Sent Out By The Lettershop!

Look, this doesn't mean you should stop working with lettershops. You can still use them to prepare your mail. You can still use them to put the stamps on your mail. But, don't you dare let them take your letters to the post office!

You have them deliver those letters to you!

Then, you count the letters and... take them to the post office yourself!

If you won't follow this advice, you really are too dumb to live. It's exactly like letting Pedro take your money to The Bank For Insane People and then... taking his word... he deposited all the money. Hear this:


Taking Your Mail To The Post Office Yourself
Will Improve The Profitability Of Your
Mailings More Than Any Other Single
Thing You Can Do!

To hell with it. If you didn't get the message after the way I just explained it, you are beyond all hope.

Now, let's talk about what I consider to be a true marketing breakthrough. You know, if you use direct mail or run a lot of space ads, you are doing one of two things:

1. You are trying to get leads.
2. You are trying to make an immediate sale.

Whichever you are trying to do, you almost certainly give people a phone number to call. And, most of the time, that number will be a toll-free number like an 800# or an 888#. Well, sometime ago, I got suspicious about something and I started to ask around and I began testing it myself. Here's what appears to be true:

About Twice As Many People Will Call
A Regular Area Code Phone Number
As Will Call A Toll-Free Phone Number!

I'm not sure why. I suspect it's because people think calling a toll-free phone number will connect them to a high-pressure, rabid telemarketer who will try to force them to buy something.

Not long ago, I asked a large number of my readers to call a certain phone number. It was a 305 area code phone number here in Miami. I asked them all to call on the exact same date at the exact same time. They did and what I discovered is my $15.00 per month voicemail number could be called by 48 people at the exact same time... and... NONE of them would get a busy signal. They ALL got my recorded message.

Did you get the part where I said a voicemail with a regular area code phone number costs only $15.00 per month? Do you know how much you would have to pay if all those calls were going to your toll-free phone number... for which... you have to pay the charges? Especially if you use an answering service to take your leads or orders? On a monthly basis, it's...

Something Like
100 Times As Much!

How do we exploit this situation? I've got a "killer" way to do it which I will explain in next month's issue of this newsletter. It's so slick, it amazes even me.

But, I want to finish this newsletter on another subject.

The readership of this newsletter has grown almost beyond belief. And, because of this, I get a continuous stream of requests from people (people I don't even know) asking me to endorse their product or service.

I NEVER do it. I have a rule: I never endorse anything somebody asks me to endorse. I only endorse things when it is my idea. Usually, the people I'm endorsing don't even know I wrote them up... until... they read it in this newsletter at the same time everybody else is reading it. You... CANNOT... buy an endorsement or any kind of ad in "The Gary Halbert Letter". Needless to say, I only endorse things I believe have extreme value. And, this month, I'm going to tell you about something which has mega-extreme value and I strongly urge you to buy it.

A friend of mine lives right here in Florida in a town called Winter Haven which is close by where my mother used to live. He sells an "e-book" called "How To Stop Your Divorce". His e-book outsells all the other e-books combined on the subject of divorce. You know why? It's because in almost every divorce, there is one partner who does not want the divorce. And that partner doesn't just "sort of" not want the divorce... they really don't want it!

All the other e-books on divorce are more or less based on how to win your divorce; about how to inflict as much pain and gouge as much money as possible out of that scumbag prick or that rotten bitch you are married to. But, that pitch is "off target". How to stop your divorce is what one of the partners (and often both of them) really want.

Anyway, I consider this to be one of the ten most important books I have ever read. And, it's not because I'm having relationship troubles either. My Costa Rican corazon and me are ecstatic with each other and, I pray it will stay that way forever. No, the reason I consider this book so valuable is, in my opinion...

It Contains The
Best Lessons In
Sales Psychology
I've Ever Read!

What it teaches is an almost-foolproof blueprint for getting the outcome you want in a business deal, any kind of personal relationship and, if you have even half a brain... it will teach you how to dramatically enhance the profits of your marketing.

Just buy the book, Dummy. Hardly anything gets this strong of an endorsement from me.

Not to mention, of course, it will be worth its weight in gold if you happen to be in a troubled marriage.

All you have to do is, go online on your computer and type in your website address bar...

Hey, be sure to tell 'em Gary Halbert sent you. Then, maybe I can gouge a favor out of this guy some day.



Gary C. Halbert




On my website is an issue called "The Dark Side Of Success!" It was written years ago but, it is as timely now as it was the day I wrote it. I think you should read it. Immediately. 
Click on the link below...

The Dark Side Of Success!


Click Here If You Want
To Be On My Newsletter
Announcement List

Copyright 2003 Gary C. Halbert.  All Rights Reserved.